(Closed) How to move past the disappointment of knowing a proposal isn’t coming soon…?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@RenoRose: Perhaps your time away in NY will help him realize that he wants to be with you. Permenantly.

I’ve been in the same stage you’re in before, and I agree, it’s not pretty. That’s when I try and do things for myself and have fun. NY seems like the perfect opportunity! It will get your mind off of things for a while.

Gwen

Post # 4
Member
842 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think if you want him to take your relationship seriously and move forward with a proposal, then you need to take it seriously too. People in serious relationships do not leave their SO to move to another city because they feel an itch (even temporarily). They plan together for those types of life decisions. 

 

If living in NYC is what’s most important to you, that’s fine. But you can’t really blame him for not wanting to take that next step when you’re prioritizing your wants above your relationship.

Post # 6
Member
842 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

If he’s perfectly ok with it, why does he want to put off proposing? And why does he think you need to figure things out? I think this may be affecting your relationship more than you think.

Post # 8
Member
2459 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Hey, I think it is great that you are going to New York, I also think it is great that your SO is willing to wait for you. I dont understand why u need a proposal so bad, let it go until you return. 

Further more you both may meet someone else, a proposal would just complicate things terribly if that were to occur.

 

Post # 8
Member
2459 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

tripple post?

 

Post # 8
Member
2459 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

tripple post 

 

Post # 9
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

I think this sounds like a case of wanting to have your cake and eat it too!  I think you should go to NYC.  Be clear you’re not breaking up.  Just having an adventure.  Go.  See what you think.  And plan to come home, as you said.

I think he’s kind of right not to want to propose yet… He does want you to do this and see what happens.  That minute possibility you’re talking about is still a possibility.

He sounds like he is a supportive guy who wants to make sure you’re really going to stick around.  Just put yourself in his shoes – say (god forbid) that he proposed, and you went to NYC, and decided to stay and you came to an impass.  He can’t move there, and you don’t want to move home.  I think he just wants to be sure.

So my answer to your question (!) is that I think you get past it by just following your dream.  You’ll be having fun in NYC, and probably miss him like crazy, but it will be the adventure you always wanted to have.  Your mind will be on other things 🙂

Post # 10
Member
2607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I agree with Future MrsB…you guys are in a committed relationship, planning to get married, recently purchased a puppy together, but you feel the need to move away to experience New York City life.  NYC has been there for centuries, and it will continue to be there, so I guess I don’t understand your “need” to move there RIGHT NOW.  Why not plan to move there as a couple at some point in your marriage, maybe even when your kids (assuming you guys are planning to have them), have moved out?

Personally, if I were your boyfriend, supportive of your decision or not, I would not propose either at this point.  There are too many variables with you moving away.  And I would hate to be “that guy” returning/pawning the ring if it doesn’t work out.

ETA (posted before I was done): So I guess you deal with knowing the proposal isn’t coming by looking realistically at your decision.  If you truly feel this is the best time for you to move to NYC, then do it, and know that when you get back, the propsal with probably come with it.  Maybe it will be an incentive to not stay away forever.  If, however, you come to the realization that your relationship/engagement/marriage is more important AT THIS TIME, then put NYC on the back burner.  Like tarlonda said, you can’t have your cake and eat it, too.  

Post # 12
Member
9 posts
Newbee

@RenoRose: I commented on your other post, because I really identify with where you are right now. Sorry the novel below seems like it’s a lot about my situation, but I’m hoping it will help you in yours.

Here’s my parallel scenario: I have been with my SO for 7 years this May, and we were 20 and 21 when we met. I mention this because I feel that I have grown a lot since then, and during that time, I also realized a lot about what I want to do and be in the future. A lot of this discovery has been very recent, within the past couple years, and I think that’s due to the fact that it is becoming more serious, what with marriage being on the table; I’m considering all of this so I can feel fulfilled on my own and be a good partner to him. If you don’t go to NYC now, you will regret it and always have it in the back of your mind. The energy you will spend fantasizing about “what if” and/or resenting him later on would be better spent strengthening and nurturing your relationship.

Case in point, I keep going back to this urge I have to live abroad for a year or two. Although SO is very supportive, he’s obviously not crazy about the idea. He doesn’t really have any interest in that and is very apprehensive about quitting his job, leaving home, etc.; he also feels this is my dream, not his. I should mention that we’ve lived together for two years, so that separation would be a huge change in and of itself.

I/we are still figuring out how all of this would work, but I did tell him in January that I would really like to be engaged this year. I think it would be comforting while I’m away, in a foreign place, to know that I have that commitment from the person whose life has been so deeply enmeshed with my own for the past 7 years. If your SO doesn’t understand and reciprocate that, then you have to come to terms with the fact that you can’t have both right now, like others have said.   

If you are sure this is the man you want to marry, then I would make sure he is 100% aware of that and of your dedication to him. In the same token, I know I can’t be 100% sure and at peace until I get my “travel bug” out of my system. You would only be away for 6 months, and I think that is minor in the grand scheme of things. What you really need to do is close up the open-endedness of this. What will you do if you go, fall in love with the city, and don’t want to leave? You will be forced to choose between NYC and your SO. You need to try to make that decision NOW and take ownership of that decision. Commit to it. That should help settle your soul. If you can’t say that you will definitely, absolutely come home to him, then you should accept that you shouldn’t get engaged right now (since he would not be willing to join you). I agree with others who have said you don’t want to get engaged, go, love it, and be at an impass. I think that would be irresponsible. You don’t want to get in the situation and have to say to yourself, omg, I knew this could happen, and it did, and I never decided what I would do if I got to this place.

Okay, I know this was long and rambling, but my point is that you need to stop thinking of yourself as a victim of sorts; being disappointed is tougher when you realize you’re the one in command of your ship and that things like this don’t just happen to you. If any of this seems harsh, it wasn’t meant to be, and I really do believe you’ll get through this together from everything I’ve read so far.

 

The topic ‘How to move past the disappointment of knowing a proposal isn’t coming soon…?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors