(Closed) how to not ask a friend to be a BM….

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Those you pick to stand up with you should be supportive of your relationship – no exceptions.

If she asks why you didn’t pick her, focus on why you picked those you did – “Susy, Jane and Elaine have always been so supportive of my and FI’s relationship, so I knew they would be happy to stand up in support of our marriage.” and let her figure out that her own bad attitude caused her to get left out. Honestly if she’s so antagonistic against your soon to be husband, how long can the friendship survive? Kind of pessimistic, maybe… guess I’m in a bad mood since I sprained my ankle yesterday, haha

Post # 4
5388 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@daydreamwander: I completely agree. I would not have been friends with her much longer because I don’t like negativity (especially since he hadn’t did anything to deserve it).

If she asks why you didn’t pick her, just be honest (she didn’t have a problem being honest about her feelings about your FH).


P.S.: Welcome to Weddingbee!

Post # 5
2186 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

shes still not supportive even though yall are engaged now? if shes not supportive AT ALL i dont know how she could expect to stand up with you. however, if you got engaged and she started toning down her hatred, then i might reconsider (because shes making an effort) but otherwise, i doubt shes thinking she will be a Bridesmaid or Best Man as much as you think she is.

Post # 6
39 posts
  • Wedding: July 2010

I had several close friends who are not in my bridal party. I just told them I was having a small wedding, it was nothing personal (the truth in this case)

Post # 7
2103 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I wouldn’t have her standing up there. You do NOT need that tension while you’re trying to enjoy your special day. If you want to invite her to the wedding, that’s up to you.

Post # 8
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I am not having my sister as a Bridesmaid or Best Man mainly because of that reason. She never supported our relationship because of FI’s race. Even after we announced our engagement she tried to hook me up with some guy… how disrespectful? I am sure she is expecting since she is my only sister that I will make her a Bridesmaid or Best Man but I haven’t broached the subject with her because it is a none issue with me.

Post # 9
1104 posts
Bumble bee

I wouldn’t choose her either. I’m sure she will be hurt and it will possibly harm the friendship, either temporarily or permanently. I was once hurt to be excluded from a bridal party, I should have spoken up right away but instead I bottled it all up, exploded in a horrible email, and my friend stopped speaking to me completely – I wasn’t even invited, in the end. I wish that either I’d asked her right away, or she had said something like “I would have loved to have you, but I just couldn’t have everyone I wanted, but I hope you will still come dress shopping/help choose my shoes/burn up the dance floor with me”. Either of those would have prevented it. You know your friend best and you will know the best way to approach it, if you want to stay friends with her.

Post # 10
520 posts
Busy bee

You don’t need to have her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man and she really doesn’t need much of an explanation.  She doesn’t like him, she doesn’t approve.  Done deal. 

But, I know you need to address it, so I would just be totally honest.   There is nothing wrong with honesty. She’s never been supportive of the relationship.  It would just be very stressful for you to include her with the negative energy she would probably have.  If she’s hurt……  she brought it on herself.

Post # 11
191 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I would be honest with her and let her know that her attitude towards him from the beginning is the reason why she wasn’t selected because the bridal party should be people who truly support the marriage and clearly she hasn’t demonstrated that she does. I wouldn’t worry about hurting her feelings though, because she obviously didn’t stop acting the way she did to avoid hurting yours all these years. You can tell her that you do value her friendship, just that you felt it wouldn’t be appropriate to have her standing up there with you when you know how she feels about the relationship. Hopefully she will be understanding and realize that it was her fault that this situation had to come up.

Post # 12
326 posts
Helper bee

i would first off tell her that you appreciate her friendship. tell her that you need alot of support around you on the most important day of your life and the support needs not to be only for you but for your marraige. then say as much as you would love her her to be there that it would feel wrong to involve her in something she doesn’t support. i’m at the opposite side of this i’m afraid! my best friend is with a man that i really disaprove of( however i have been very clear about these reasons all along and feel they are valid ones!) for some reason i always presumed i would be Bridesmaid or Best Man at her wedding. if she asks me to be i will for one day pretend i think he’s the greatest guy in the world, but if i’m not asked i will understand completely

Post # 14
573 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Since she lives so far away, you could rely on that as a reason for choosing the other BMs. She probably won’t ask why she isn’t a Bridesmaid or Best Man, I think she’d know. If she brings it up, why not take the opportunity to clear the air (but don’t make her a BM).

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