(Closed) How to NOT invite ONE cousin?

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
1205 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Tough situation. Why don’t you want to invite the cousin? What would you say to the cousin if you had to answer to him/ her? Is this worth the disagreement with your folks? Are your other cousins coming, saying "yes" to their invitaitons?

The reason I ask so many questions is that we’re in a similar situation. My fiance does not want to invite one cousin, a young man he sees as a mooch who is 24 years old, no job, going from house to house (currently at my FI’s mom’s house) just taking advantage of people. FI said he does not want to invite the kid, but I figure he’ll COME whether or not he actually gets invited. As of now, we have not sent him an invitation and it’s a point of contention whenever FI speaks to his mom. I stay out of it, like I said, I think I know what’s going to happen. 

On my side, I invited all my cousins and so far none are willing to make the trip. Guess I won’t see them again until there’s a funeral. That really upsets me. But not the point. 

Post # 4
Member
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Um.  Maybe I’m not understanding something, but wouldn’t a "I’m not inviting that cousin" suffice?

Post # 6
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Well you have a couple of things going on.

1.  Are your parents paying for the wedding?  If yes, you might be out of luck.  But the good news is that if he/she does go, you really won’t have time to notice him/her.

2.  You are at a disadvantage being in Australia.  There is just a lack of control being away from the situation.  And even if you don’t send an invitation, whats to keep your parents from telling your cousin’s mother it was an oversight.  Of course he/she is invited.????

3.  Whatever is keeping you two apart, do you feel the cousin would want to go to your wedding anyway?

Typically I’m in the camp of you should really invite relatives unilaterally.  If there is  serious reason why the cousin shouldn’t be invited I can appreciate that.  She’s likely to have sticky fingers around everyone’s purses (good reason).  She stole a boyfriend once in eigth grade (bad reason).

Post # 7
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I know exactly how you feel. Two of my cousins are not invited to anything I ever do ever, and if I ever saw them again I would not even speak to them.

I think you need to go to your parents and explain just how unhappy and stressed it would make you, both before and during the wedding, to have those people around or even the possibility that they might be around. I did this with my parents and they agreed to leave those two off the list and agreed to defend my decision to my Aunt and Uncle.

I think that may be the biggest problem. It may be your cousin, but it is the child of their sister or brother. I think it has to be a really big problem for you to warrant leaving them off, but if it will really make you miserable, do it anyway.

 Of course, the other option is sending them an invite with the wrong date on it 😉

Post # 9
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I think that’s a great idea. Shell out the bit extra for postage and do it from your place. That way you have complete control over who is invited and who is not.

Post # 10
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

So you’re saying your parents don’t know the reason why you hate this cousin, your parents don’t even know about?  Does your aunt know about it?  From your mother’s standpoint, she probably feels totally in the dark and can’t understand the hang up.  Are you sure you can’t finally open up to her?  You said your brother knows.  So maybe you can tell your mom.  (I just kind feel, like you said, that it’s not going to gel unless she hears it.)

Are you sure paying the extra postage won’t be a waste of money?  If no one knows the problem, the aunt might call wondering why the cousin didn’t get an invite, and if it was a mistake, bringing you mom into the picture again.

Post # 11
Member
596 posts
Busy bee

It sounds like you have two options:

– Let your mom mail the invitations and be forced into inviting the cousin.

– Have your bridesmaid send the invitations for you and offend your mom.

It’s up to you to decide which option is worse.  Either way, it sounds like your parents feel very strongly about it…will they invite your cousin for you, even if you don’t send an invitation to her yourself?  Are the cousin’s parents invited?  If so, will they just assume they can add your cousin as a plus one?  Also, will your cousin even come, since you guys don’t get along?

Post # 12
Member
2433 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I would try to find a way to explain why you don’t want that person there. The decision is obviously up to you, and i don’t know that I personally agree with the common practice of inviting all of your blood relatives.

But I think this is something you directly have to speak to your mom about. Because even if you don’t send an actual invite, there is still the possiblity she could call your cousin with a verbal invite, which would be even more frustrating for you I’m sure.

Good luck, I hope everything turns out well!

Post # 13
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

Hmm, maybe this is a bit underhanded, but you could put the wrong address on the envelope…vary it sligtly and it will get returned to sender. But if your parents are the return addressees, then you’re back to square one. Otherwise, you will have to decide which options you hate the least: pay extra and post the invites yourself, send the invite, or tell your parents the real reason why you don’t want to invite her.

I would lean toward sending the invite, personally. If you know she is not going to come anyway, sending it is not going to put you in any more contact with her than not sending it.  And if your parents are the return addressees, then the invite isn’t really from you, it’s from your parents. Maybe thinking about it in that way will make it seem less like you are being forced to contact this person you hate? 

Post # 14
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I’m assuming when you send them to your parents to post that the invites will already be assembled and addressed.  This is a bit on the deceiving side, but could you just mail your cousin an announcement of the wedding in lieu of an actual invitation?  That way you’re sending something to keep up appearances and just say the cousin didn’t care to RSVP or whatever when you don’t get a response from the cousin.

Post # 15
Member
700 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’d stick to my guns on this one.  I also have a cousin who will not be coming to our wedding.  In this situation, however, it’s my parents who agree with me.  The rest of the family doesn’t know yet that my cousin won’t be invited, and my dad gets all riled up when the topic comes up and states that he will ”escort him out of the building if the loser dares to show up at your wedding"!  We don’t want a scene at the wedding, but our extended family has a tendancy to add invites for countless others to any event they go to.  So, we’ll do what we have to do.  Armed guards?  Lol

Post # 16
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • V
  • 9 years ago

Well, have you told your parents the reason? If it’s so horrible to you maybe it will be horrible to them.

I’m paying for my wedding but my mom is forcing me to be the bigger person and invite my one family branch that has done horrible things to her and to all my immediate family. She still wants to send an invite because "we’re not petty, ignorant, idiots (like they are)" and "they’re family".

If my guest list goes overboard…they’re the first 5 gone! but for now, they still get an invite.

Good luck! 

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