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Um I'm signing on for this as well... I haven't quite figured it out either... well except when I ask in between doing certain kinky things (grin grin) he agrees to EVERYTHING i ask for then...
lol you girlies are funny. I usually ask FI "Do you mind helping me with ______, I'm trying to get _____ done and I really need your help, I will love you more than yesterday!" lol I am really fortunate though because both FI and I are very assertive so we can usually just say things straightforward.
I feel myself entering the 'nag zone' every now and then and try to keep it in check with a couple things - keeping the tone of my voice as normal as possible - not raised or whiny; telling him exactly what is bothering me without accusing him or blaming him for whatever's bothering me. I have had to learn that I can't expect him to know what's going on unless I tell him - as obvious as I might think things are, he doesn't pick up on everything. One thing that works in my favor is that FI is extremely patient with me...hope that continues...
I'm not an expert by any stretch of the imagination but these are things I try to keep in mind when I am tempted to flip out...or nag...
Good luck!
i try to be patient with him. i ask him to help with something, and if he doesn't do it right away, it's not the end of the world (usually).
Can you give an example of the type of thing you ask him to do and he says you're nagging? How specifically do you ask?
Well today he was helping my sister cut her guinea pig's nails. I'm positive that I was talking in a normal tone, so I don't know what was wrong, my word choice or what. I was telling him the back nails are supposed to be longer than the front and he was still cutting them kind of short, so I was telling him again to just clip the tips. Well he made two of the nails bleed so once again I had to tell him it's too short and he starts yelling that I'm nagging him and that I should do it myself (he works at an animal shelter which is why I asked him in the first place if he wanted to cut them because he has experience cutting animal nails. My sister would have cut them, but he agreed to do it while she held it so it's not like he was forced). He later claimed that he didn't know how short they're supposed to be, but when I tried telling him before, he again just got very very defensive and said I was nagging so I never even got to explain. I don't remember what else I was saying, but for this whole 10 minute period that he was doing this, everything that came out of my mouth he accused me of nagging. A couple of times I didn't have even two words out of my mouth before he'd claim I was nagging when I wasn't even talking to him. I know he was nervous which made him a little edgy, but still, other times he'll say I nag as well (but I can't think of examples atm)
Sounds like he was just uber nervous about cutting his furniece/nephew's nails...
Doesn't sound like you were nagging him - you were just trying to advise him... I guess it's pretty tricky...
Sometimes it's not what you say, but how you say it. There can be so much embedded in the unsaid body language, tone and facial expression. Some people do really well with lists. Maybe you guys can come up with to do lists (for both of you) and encourage each other to cross items off?
@ JoJo
This is what I have to do with Mr. Rainbow. I swear when I ask him to do something it going in one ear and out the other. It's ridiculous. I've resorted to making him a list so he literally has his "to dos" staring him (and I) in the face. It's worked out pretty well thus far.
@rainbow
Yes, I think the to do lists work really well. I think it's important for both people to have their own lists so it doesn't seem one-sided. For the competitive people it creates a little bit of a contest to see who can get their stuff done first!
I find it helps to set really clear expectations from the start; not sure how that would've helped with the guinea pig (maybe before starting saying "front nails should be x length and rear y length" ?) because at least for J, once he gets into something, he gets on a really one track mindset. Also, he tends to be a really logical thinker, so time frames and stuff help.
When I ask him to do stuff, it's gotta be really straight forward: "Can you take the trash out at least half an hour before company gets here?" versus "The trash needs to be taken out" if that makes sense.
Guys think that you are nagging when you tell them to do something, instead of asking them to do it. Also, they think you are nagging when you tell them how or take over to show them how to do something. We try to help them, but they don't see it that way. They see that a us having a lack of confidence in their abilities.
If he didn't know how to clip the nails he should have let you know. Something for you in the future, try asking him if he has ever done "whatever" before, and if he has and you want him to do it, give him carte blanche; walk away for awhile, if you have to. You can always ask if he needs your help, if you see him struggling. If he says no, just say okay just let me know if you change your mind and if he says yes, then help him the best way you can. Remember to walk away without giving advice, sighing, etc., if how he is doing something bothers you.
Another good tip is to listen to his guy friends and learn how they get your guy to do stuff for them. Guys have a different way of asking things, but they do things for each other right away.
I had a problem with so-called nagging. I didn't think I was, but that is how it was coming across, so I tried the things that I listed above and they work well for me. I have also asked my guy to let me know nicely if he thinks I am nagging, so I know right away and he asked me to do the same for him.
He also likes it when I give him a honey do list, so he can check off each thing as he gets it done. The list helps us both because he feels like he is accomplishing something and I can check the list; inconspicuously of course, to see how far he has gotten without having to "nag" him. Some guys do not like lists, so before giving hime one, ask him if he would appreciate a list. You could even make your self a list and then see who can complete the list first with a prize of the winners choosing at the end.
Remember guys have a different way of doing things, so what you ask him to do may not be done exactly as you would have done it yourself or in the time that you would have gotten it done, but eventually it will get done. If he doesn't do something to your exact specifications, don't get on him about it, just grow to love the way he does it, even though it may drive you crazy or when he isn't around, fix it the way you would like it to be. Try to be patient. It will all work out in the end.
These things seem to be working for us. We rareley argue about anything anymore and we have been together for 9 1/2 years. Long story, but when we first got together, I wanted to get married and he didn't, then he wanted to get married and I didn't, and now we both do.
There is a fantastic book on how to use animal training tricks to avoid nagging your partner... it's based on this article:
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html
Highly recommended!!! I'm a much better husband for having read it. When you get down to it, the book basically just says always be nice to your spouse and they will be much nicer to you than you could possibly imagine.
A side note: I've learned that when I ask someone to do something, then it's not fun if I then watch them and offer feedback as they do it. If a situation is going to go down like that, I'm much better off just doing it myself.
Animal training is all about positive reinforcement for behavior you'd like to see more of! It's really a life changing paradigm for how to approach relationships...
@Noritake- that sounds like excellent advise! I'll definitely have to try it. I am guilty of hovering!
@MrBee- I really do try to really aknowledge when Mr. Joe does things for me, and I generally don't nitpick, but it's generally getting him to do the things in the first place that causes the problems lol
I'm not sure if a list of things will really help, but if it ever comes up that I do have a series of things that I need to get done, I'll be sure to try the list first! Maybe I can get a dry erase board for the fridge or something.
create a honey do list and hang it on the fridge...its the only thing that works for the big duties. Mr3m doenst have a problem helping me out
I would say that in other cases, everything posted here may work, but when it comes to possibly hurting the animal--NAG away. I think he was probably frustrated, but you were just trying to help and put the animal's interests first.
I would honestly talk to him about it, tell him you really have a sincere interest in being less nagging, but that if it's an important matter like potentially hurting an animal, he should be less quick to throw out that you're nagging. Tell him you'd like for both of you to be more patient with one another and that you love him, and you'll try hard for his sake. :) And then, do!
Good luck!
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My husband often accuses me of nagging, today most recently he was yelling at me about it. I know that yes, I do nag sometimes, but the the majority of the time I just don't see myself as nagging. My husband seems to think that any time I tell him to do something though, it's nagging. I don't know, maybe I AM nagging, but if that's the case, I genuinely don't know how NOT to nag. So if you guys could all enlighten me about the proper way to ask a guy to do something without sounding like a nag (but still ensure that he listens and doesnt just blow me off), I would love to know (for the record since things don't always come across the way we mean them on the internet, I'm not saying this sarcastically, I'm genuinely interested). Help please!