How to properly disinvite someone

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
1542 posts
Bumble bee

Just don’t send her a save-the-date or invitation. You can’t uninvite someone who hasn’t been invited yet 😉

But seriously, I get what you mean. If you need to sugar-coat it, just say something like you had to be very careful with numbers because the venue is strict/catering costs/yatta yatta.

Or, if you’re like me, just be straight. Tell her that your wedding isn’t a place for people to behave inappropriately, whether they’re drunk or not, and it’s not a risk you’re willing to take. If you do this, be prepared to burn a bridge because she will surely take offense to it. I also have no problem with burning bridges, personally, lol.

Post # 3
7055 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Dreamer12:  You simply don’t send an invitation.

But I’ve got to ask: why are you blaming this girl and not your fiance?? Unless he was tied down, he allowed the kiss. He is the person you should be most angry at.

Post # 4
312 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Dreamer12:  When I saw the title of this thread I was ready to tell you that you can’t uninvite someone. But then I read that she’d kissed your fiance – and that you’ve obviously confronted her about this, because she also denied it and then said that she only did it because she was drunk.

So, that’s a little different. Are you done with the friendship? If so, reach out to her and say that her behavior when drinking has always concerned you but that she crossed a line when she kissed your future husband, and as a result, you’re no longer comfortable having her as a part of your life, much less as a guest at your wedding.

If you want to retain the friendship, then reach out to her and say something like:

As a friend, I’m deeply concerned about your drinking. I love you; you are a very important part of my life. But when you were intoxicated, you crossed a line that no true friend would cross. I feel I don’t know you when you’re drinking. You have proved that I can’t trust you when you’re drinking. Because you’re important to me, I want to move past what happened — but I can’t do this while you’re drinking. I no longer wish to be around you when you are consuming alcohol. This includes at the wedding. I want YOU at my wedding, not the stranger you become when you drink. If you plan to be sober that night, I will be so overjoyed to have you there. But if you need to drink, I ask that you spend the night elsewhere.

I’ll tell you, though — if she comes, she’ll drink. I mean, if she’s willing to keep drinking when she knows it gets her into this kind of trouble, then she’s probably unable to stop herself.

Post # 5
19 posts
  • Wedding: June 2015

I would say the worda Calendula wrote – writing seems harsher.  That is if you care.  Otherwise don’t invite her and she won’t be disinvited.  I had a work friend that when she got engaged told me I can’t wait for you to be at my wedding.  I moved into another department and a different office and we sort of lost touch and I wasn’t surprised I wasn’t invited to the wedding. I would think this girl knows or expects that she shouldn’t be invited to yours either.

Post # 6
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

She kissed your FI? What was he doing? 

Post # 7
2564 posts
Sugar bee

Easy peasy, she just does not get an invite.  Surely she won’t be surprised? If she asks just say “it’s not customary to invite people who have kissed the groom since he announced his engament…one of those time -honoured ettiquette things!” and leave it at that.

Post # 8
1062 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Nothing’s been sent, so don’t invite her. Out of curiosity, what was your FI doing when she kissed him?

Post # 9
3656 posts
Sugar bee

Dreamer12:  I’d distance myself from her, if I were you, from now on. Then it would be less likely that she would expect an invitation, when it’s 6-8 weeks before the wedding, and you send them out. Also, I would skip sending save-the-dates to other co-workers, who might talk about it to her. But be prepared for someone at the venue door, for security. She might get drunk on her own and show up anyway, due to her past behavior history.

Post # 10
4638 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

You just don’t send her an invitation. Unless she’s completely delusional, she wouldn’t expect one after kissing your FI. 

This is just another example of why people should keep their work and personal lives seperate. 

Post # 11
1110 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I thought this was going to be about taking back an invitation. You have an easy out here by just not sending her an invitation or save-the-date. If she’s rude enough to ask, you should just tell her that you found her behavior inappropriate and were reluctant to give her another chance to behave that way in front of your family and other friends.

Post # 12
6173 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

she hasn’t been invited, so you don’t need to uninvite her.  there really is no problem with that here.  but there are other issues.

Post # 13
1583 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

If you haven’t sent her a save the date or invite then she’s not officially invited so I wouldn’t worry. What to say if she asks about it really depends on if you want to maintain the friendship. If you do say something about restricting numbers because of the venue and then changing the subject. If you don’t tell her she was inappropriate kissing your fiance and you don’t want her at your wedding since she doesn’t respect your relationship.

Post # 14
1028 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

KMcKay:  I completely agree with this!

That kind of drama, at any event, is unwelcome and unncessary. And at your wedding AFTER kissing your fiance? I’m surprised you’re even contemplating it!

Post # 15
677 posts
Busy bee

Don’t invite her


her : why didn’t you invite me?

you : you kissed my fiance.


i sincerely hope he pulled away immediately!!!!

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