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How do I politely tell people that I don't care what they think?

How to reach out...

posted 2 years ago in Waiting

Member

415 posts

Helper bee

edb 10/2010 Baltimore, MD

So my future SIL is starting to play the waiting game. And by starting, I mean that people have been bugging her about when she's getting engaged since before we got engaged (my FI is 3 years older than her). She's still with her high school boyfriend, who is a nice guy, and they are planning on getting married eventually.

She's made a couple comments recently that make me suspect she is starting to get upset and antsy. I was in the same position at the exact same age (year and a half out of college, had been dating for awhile, couldn't get married for at least 1.5 more years, etc.) She's said that they can't get married for awhile (he was unemployed for awhile and just got a job within the past year and they both still live at home) and so she isn't expecting to get engaged anytime soon, but she says it the way we all say/said it.

How do I reach out to her and let her know that I know how she feels and I'm here for her? Some of her family members have started to make pushy and inappropriate comments (i.e. how are we going to get Boyfriend to propose? or "do you have a ring yet?" etc.) and I know how totally horrible that feels, and so I've been telling people privately to just back off and let them decide when to get married, but I really want to let her know that I'm there if she needs somebody to talk to, because it helped me when a friend told me that I wasn't crazy and she understood how I felt. It did not help when other friends told me I was a pathetic loser.

So has anybody helped you guys out in waiting? Have you gotten any good advice? I always found 'just be patient' to be the most worthless thing anybody said, and I refuse to tell her that.

Also, she is one of my bridesmaids and she is the MOH for her friend who is getting married in the spring, so she definitely is somewhat immersed in weddings but I wonder whether I should not talk to her about wedding stuff unless she brings it up...I enjoyed talking wedding stuff while I was waiting, but I don't want to seem like I'm rubbing it in.

2 years ago

Hostess

5,327 posts

Bee Keeper

trugem January 2011

First, I just want to say that you are such a nice and thoughtful person for caring so much about your future SIL!!

Just pull her aside and talk to her. I wish that I had someone that I was close to pull me aside and tell me that they understand what I am going through. Let her know that you are there to listen and I am sure that she would love to her that. If I were her, I wouldn't come to you because I wouldn't want to come off as jealous. So by you going to her, it will open the door of communication!

2 years ago

Hostess

1,993 posts

Buzzing bee

redherring September 11, 2010 Pittsburgh, PA

I guess it depends on how contrived you want it to seem. You could always wait until she makes another comment that indicates she's getting a little antsy, and if the two of you are alone, you could bring it up then. Or, since that could take a while, you could just mention it the next time you two are hanging out. And I would let her choose what would help best - For some people, I'm sure it would help to know that there's someone who will listen when they need to vent. For others, maybe helping with the planning process will be like getting a head start on her planning without making the judgmental outside world seeing her as preemptively planning. And for others, it might be easiest to avoid the topic altogether but know that someone is rooting for them.

Either way, though, I think it's awesome that you want to do this for her. I got the "So, are you engaged yet?" questions for months, but had no one to talk to since all of my friends were either engaged or married already. And I had no idea about Weddingbee until I got engaged.

2 years ago