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Wow, why does your husband get so defensive? I don't really know what to say to that. I really wish I could help by some advice, but I think I'm actually stumped on what to say.
In my opinion, I think your proposal WAS romantic. You were in a stressful situation, and this man loved you enough to jump at the perfect solution to make things better and spend his life with you. I think you're looking at it with the wrong mindset. I understnad it was disappointing to your family (particularly your dad), but such is life. I say let it go! Stand by your man and don't agree with your family that you're disappointed. Plus, what's done is done! Go on to have a great big celebration and put this behind you :-D
He gets defensive because he's always done sweet things for me before and I think he feels bad that he didn't do anything for the proposal.
He also gets defensive because he feels like he's always being compared to my sister's boyfriends/exes who have been rich and charming, one of her exes is even famous. He just gets the feeling like he isn't good enough for a lot of things and often says "I don't know why you chose me".
I don't want him feeling like this, I really don't know what to do?!
VirginiaMarie; Awww thank you! I don't have that much of a problem with the fact that he didn't get down on one knee and ask "Will you marry me" - though it was how I had always envisioned the proposal.
The biggest issue is that my dad is hurt. I'm his first daughter, I left home at 19 to study abroad and I see him only once a year. He feels like I'm being taken away from him and that feeling has been heightened by the fact that my husband didn't go the traditional route by asking for my hand in marriage.
I would just sweep it under the rug and leave it, but knowing my dad, he'll bring this up as long as I'm married to this man.
I have to say, I'm siding with your husband on this one. It was a unique situation, and there wasn't time for all the traditional formalities. Why is your dad so hung up on this? The two of you are already married, it's not like if he asks now, your dad could say no. Getting married is a decision made by the two people in the relationship- their parents have no role in that decision in modern times. You need to set boundaries with your parents now and stand by your husband. Maybe they were hurt that the wedding was rushed, ok fair enough. But what's done is done and they need to get over it. Wanting your father and your husband to have a good relationship is natural, but the only way that is going to happen is if your father can just accept your husband as he is without making him jump through a bunch of unnecessary hoops.
My advice would be 1. stop telling your husband when your parents criticize him. 2. When your parents say something negative or compare him to someone else, call them on it and defend him. and 3. Have a heart to heart with your father. Tell him you understand how it was a bit of a let down to have the rushed engagement, but that he needs to move on and be happy for you to in the present.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this drama, and I hope things work out for you. Best of luck!
I agree with VirginiaMarie, your proposal was very romantic. It sounds like you basically agree; you certainly reacted to the proposal the way every woman hopes she'll react, with butterflies and giddy joy. The problem, as you said, is that your father suddenly feels like his relationship with you is being taken out of his control. He's scared of losing his daughter.
I would like to suggest that your problem is not between your hsuband and your father, but between yourself and your father. Your husband had no way of knowing that your dad wanted him to ask permission. Many couples don't do this anymore, and if you were together for five years and your dad never made it clear that he expected to be asked, then there was no way your husband could have predicted that. Your husband is understandably hurt by all these accusations about his behavior not measuring up to everyone's standards. Please tell him you loved the proposal, that it was romantic and perfect for your relationship, and that he shouldn't feel attacked or inadequate because you love him just as he is and for what he did. Don't make him write the letter to your father. I think both you and your husband, probably separately, should speak with your father. You should tell him how much you love him and how you intend to maintain a relationship with him after you are married, and assuage his concerns that he's going to lose you. Tell him you'll always be his girl no matter what. Your husband might tell him how much he respects the role that your dad has played in your life and promise him that he will make every effort to keep familial ties strong throughout your marriage, so that your dad won't worry that your husband is going to steal you away from him.
Sorry for the long reply, but in summary, it sounds like both these men are feeling anxiety about this change in circumstances and both need to be reassured. Communication and love can go a long way.
[Edit] I also agree with Greenleafmountain that it is important to defend your husband from criticism from your parents. This was a topic discussed in our marriage prep course; when there is conflict between your parents and your spouse, you have to take your spouse's side in order to defend your marriage. Going to bat for your husband on this one will set a sound precedent for your many years together and help him feel secure in his union with you.
If I were you, I'd let it go, and ask your dad to let it go and stop harping on it. You brought it up once, it ended in tears. You told him you wouldn't bring it up again. You brought it up again, and it ended in tears. And now, you've brought it up yet again, by telling him that he's also failed your dad, as well as you. I can imagine your husband might be feeling a bit attacked, when he probably throught he was making the best of a rushed situation. I'm not trying to be harsh, just trying to say that you may want to just step back from this a bit, and stop focusing so much attention on the proposal. I don't know anyone in real life who has actually had their FI ask their father for "permission."
Thanks everyone for the feedback - it has given me some perspective and now I realize that you're all right and that I need to support and defend my husband in this. I'll have a talk with my parents, my dad especially, and that will hopefully be the end of this. I would like my husband to talk with my dad too and say something along the lines of what LittlestBirds said. My dad and husband are the two most important men in my lives, I could not bear them not getting along.
As for why my dad wants my husband to ask for my hand, he's from a South Asian (Burmese) family in which that sort of etiquette is still practiced. I'm also still his baby - he doesn't want to let me go yet!
Does your husband have female friends who might be able to explain to him how much it means to have a real romantic proposal? It's probably easier coming from an objective friend. A female friend could also help him come up with a really wonderful proposal. Same for his needing to ask your father. It sounds like your husband doesn't really understand why he'd need to ask your father or do a big proposal. But maybe his parents (coming from that generation) could suggest to him that the older generation feel like they're being respected by being asked permission. If you have a good relationship with your MIL maybe she can help with this. Because you're doing a big Indian wedding I think you have a good opportunity for a second chance at all of this. I agree with you that your father isn't likely to let this go - it's important to respect the traditions of your family and culture, and maintain a good relationship with your parents. And a post-decision proposal still feels great. We had already decided to get married and picked a ring, but FI still proposed very romantically and we both felt great about it.
I agree with the other posters that your proposal was very romantic. Your husband came through for you in a huge way when you needed him. My FI also did not ask for my hand in marriage and we had no hurried proposal. My mother was the only one who complained, but my dad said that the proposal was between FI and me. You need to explain to your father that in this culture things are different, my family is not American either. I have basically had to explain " American" things to them my whole life. You need to side with your husband here, he did a very noble thing by marrying you without hesitation and coming through for you.
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This will be a long post as my situation is an odd one.
My husband and I had a quick court marriage on August 25th last year. Part of the reason for our quick marriage was that my student visa was going to expire and being a couple who are almost inseparable and did the long distance (Australia to USA) relationship for almost 2 of the 5 years we dated (and lived together for almost 4 years), going back to that kind of relationship was not an option - we were ready to become more than boyfriend and girlfriend.
Unfortunately, the whole proposal was very rushed. I called him in tears and told him I had to go back home, he called back and said "I have a proposal, how about we get married?"...even though this was over the phone I now had tears of joy in my eyes and my heart was all aflutter, so naturally I said "Yes!".
We then had to go to our parents and tell them what we wanted to do. After some convincing, everyone agreed and we got married at the city court that week.
However, due to all the rush (and therefore lack of preparation) my husband proposed to me in a disappointing manner. He's the sweetest man I know, but he isn't much of a romantic - he's actually quite clueless when it comes to that stuff. As for me, I'm not usually fussed about grand gestures of love, in fact, they make me a little ill, but I had been dreaming of this moment (with this particular man) and it was a complete let down. I brought it up with him once shortly after we got married - it didn't end well, we were both in tears and I said I wouldn't bring it up again...I did, about a month ago, and it ended the same way.
I would have just dropped the whole thing since I'm just happy to be his wife and we're having a big 3-day Indian wedding in January that I'm trying to plan now, but now my mum is telling me how hurt my dad is that my husband didn't ask for my hand in marriage!!! So my mum asked me if my husband can write a heart-felt letter to my dad asking for my hand in marriage before we have our actual wedding. Simple enough...or not!
I told my husband what my mum said so that we can get the situation sorted and now my husband is even more hurt because he thinks that my dad and I expect to much from him. Again, he got defensive and was saying "I didn't know you had to do that! I didn't know I had to propose to your like everyone else! I don't know how to do these things" etc. He said he'll write the letter and I told him thats all I want him to do, he doesn't need to do the whole proposal over and that I just want him and my dad to have a good relationship.
Does anyone have any other ideas for how he could ask for my hand in marriage? Keep in mind my dad is in Australia while we're both in the U.S.
To make matters worse, my younger sister just started dating a guy who asked permission from my dad before even asking my sister out. Though there was a good reason for this as he's 7 years her senior!
Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read and replies to this post. I know its long and convoluted but I really appreciate any feedback on how I can rectify this situation so we can move on with the wedding plans!