Post # 1
I am embarrassed to admit this. A few years ago I had two second cousins getting married. I live out of state and have seen them about twice in the past ten years. I got their invitations and couldn’t go to the wedding. At the time I was in a very strenuous grad school program and was moving. I completely forgot about their weddings. I did not send a card or gift. VERY rude.
Now I am traveling out of state to a shower, and their wives have been invited. I don’t know yet if they are attending, but I want to apologize and acknowledge my rude behavior. I cannot even believe I did that.
Do you think I should bring a gift card to them and say “I don’t think I ever sent you a wedding gift. I don’t know why I did that, but I am so very sorry. Please accept this with my sincerest apologies.”
Or, do you think I should let it go?
This will be my first time meeting these women, and I feel like I can’t look them in the face. I am so mad at myself!!!
Post # 3
I’d bring something. I’m sure they’ll appreciate the gesture!
Post # 4
I think your idea to bring them a gift is a really nice gesture – and even if they don’t remember or care, it will make YOU feel better, right?
Post # 5
I dunno- they may not even think of it. If you do bring a gift, I would be sure to give it to them either before or after the shower, and I think it would be ok to say “I was young and irresponsible” instead of “I don’t know why I did that”. If people are reasonable, they understand 🙂
Post # 6
they prob won’t remember (i don’t remember which of hubby’s relatives who didn’t come did or didn’t give gifts–and many didn’t), BUT you could still bring them something and apologize and i’m sure they’d appreciate it and think you’re a sweetheart! 🙂
Post # 7
I bet they didn’t even notice. I have a few friends who got married young (before college was over) and I had no clue about weddings. Now that I’m older (and actually make money) I go all out for my friends weddings. I’m sure they understood what happened.
Post # 8
I would let it go. Some people don’t send gifts when they can’t attend weddings. I think it would be unecessarily awkward, they probably wrote it off to you being young and in school.
Post # 9
I’d just let it go honestly, but be very nice to them obviously. I don’t think that it is totally required to send a card or gift to people when you’re not attending their wedding. It is nice if you do, but I don’t think its totally rude if you don’t. I also think that people understand that not everyone “gets” weddings at every point in their lives.
A few years ago I had a cousin who was getting married a plane trip away in a resort town and I was annoyed that she invited me at all (I didn’t understand courtesy invites and I felt like she should know I couldn’t afford to attend), and that she didn’t include my boyfriend on the invite (I was like “wow she expects me to fly all the way out there and stay ALONE???”). Totally didn’t get it. I returned the RSVP the day I got the invite with a simple check of the “cannot attend” box and not even a congratulations written on it!!!
Once I got engaged I totally understood how it must have sucked to have probably your first RSVP be a no, and without a congratulatory note. At that point though– it is too late. I’ve seen her a few times since then and it has always been fine. I don’t really think she holds it against me as I”m sure she understands I was young and stupid. I also give more leway to unmarried people in terms of perceived “rudeness” and assume first that they just don’t know any better.
Post # 10
I wouldn’t expect someone to buy me a gift if they didn’t come to my wedding. So on that note, if you were to get them a card I think that they would be pleasently surprised and it would start your relationship out on a good note.
Post # 11
I think it’s never too late to recognize their marriage with a gift, but it isn’t necessary in your case. Honestly I had to invite a million of my second cousins even though we totally didn’t have space for them in my venue and I”ve never even met most of them and they didn’t even give the courtesy of sending back the rsvp card or making any attempt to contact me with a yes or no. WAs it rude? yes. But not slap in the face rude like it would have been if it were a good friend or close family member. Things like that are quick water under the bridge and move on IMO.
Post # 12
I wouldn’t even bring it up. They’re distantly related, you see them, like, once every 5 years? I doubt they have you on some wedding terrorist list.
Post # 13
I think it would be a lovely gesture
Post # 14
I would just let it go. They are second cousins and you dont seem like youre close to them anyways. Since it was a few years ago they probably dont even remember. The way to rectify the behavior is to just not do it again in the future!
Post # 15
They are second cousins and it was a few years ago, I would let it go. They prob have no idea even who you are or will even relate the two things together. I had to look at my FHs list and ask him who half the people were, if I looked at it today, I would have to ask again. It would never dawn on me to be at all upset with a second cousin who didn’t send a gift or card.
Post # 16
@missrobots – “wedding terrorist list” – LOL!
I agree with above posters: a card is a nice gesture, but I wouldn’t worry about your faux pas too much. I did the same thing when I was in college and got wedding invites – just checked ‘no’ without thinking. Even recently, I went to a wedding and ignored their registery and got them a gift card that was probably less that the average cost per person. At the time I has NO idea that was considered rude, or indeed, what the custom was.
I wouldn’t say “I don’t know why I did that”, just explain that you were young and very busy, and didn’t realize until you began planning your own wedding what a special day it was and the thought you should have put into it. I’m sure they’ll understand, and if not, at least they’re distant relatives…