Post # 1
If you saw my posts from last week, you know my big sister and MOH is having her first baby. Yay!
Since she’s due 4 days before my wedding.. she’ll either be 9mo and (very likely) miserably ready to go into labor or cradling a tiny newborn baby.
Either way, I just can’t expect her to be my matron of honor at my wedding. There is a good chance she won’t even be in attendance. We would have no idea what size dress to buy her (16 or 6?) and I can’t expect her to pay $300 for the dress and not get to wear it!
I don’t know how to approach this conversation. Please help!
P.S. I’m thinking of having her order a nice dress a few weeks before the wedding that compliments the BM’s style. Then, if she is able, she can sit in the front pew and stand beside me as my witness while I say my vows as my official witness. If she can’t, we’ll return the dress.
Post # 3
Maybe just start by talking about how excited you are for her and your wedding (how exciting you’re both taking such huge steps in your lives at the same time!) and then say something like “I know you know there is no one I’d rather have stand next to me on my wedding day, but given that your baby is due the week of the wedding, I completely understand if you want to step down.”
I wouldn’t force her to step down, or say “You’re not MOH anymore,” because she could take it the wrong way. Obviously you care about her and her feelings, so I think let her know your concerns and give her an option to attend as just a guest (if she can attend at all!).
Post # 4
@OnceUponATime: I would ask her if she thinks she will be able to handle being a MOH and being that far along pregnant.
I’m 8 months and today my Dear Daughter found my sciatic nerve in my leg. It HURTS and I still have 7 weeks to go!!!
Tell her you will respect her decison anyway. Don’t just kick her out; that would hurt forever
Post # 5
You don’t? You wait yo see if she can be there, buy a dress similar off the rack close to the date and hope she can be there.I assume you’re close to her and that is why you asked her to be in your wedding. So I think it would be in incredibly poor taste to tell her since she may or Amay not be at the wedding due to the birth of her child that she is no longer important enough to be your MOH. If she can’t be there then she isn’t there, there is no reason to “demote” her.
Post # 6
@chasesgirl: I don’t think that’s the main reason. I totally understand about not wanting her sister to spend $300 for something that she likely won’t or cant wear.
OP, at my friends wedding her cousin was a bridesmaid that had full intention of going through with it even though she was due two weeks before. She had the baby on time and was simply too uncomfortable and exhausted so I can totally understand why you would be concerned for her. I would just approach it exactly like you told us. 4 days after giving birth? That sounds painful and exhausting. I think having her be able to sit and sign is a great option SHOULD she need it. But don’t have her not be your MOH. That serves no purpose. If she ends up not showing you can have someone else sign, it’s no big.
Post # 7
@OnceUponATime: i think that the two of you should sit down and discuss what she thinks her options could be. from there, both of you can come up with a plan A and a plan B, maybe even plan C. this way she still feels involved in your wedding and won’t be upset by you just dismissing her altogether. revisit these options as it comes closer to the date.
her main duty would be to witness the marriage. that’s all she really needs to do.
Post # 8
I agree with many of the PPs. Don’t ask her to step down – just ask her how she wants to approach this since she is due the week of your wedding. That keeps the power in her hands and it keeps her from feeling dismissed.
Post # 9
I don’t get posts like this. My cousin was one of my BM’s. We had a destination wedding and you guessed it she got pregnant and couldn’t make it. I had already purchased dresses and accessories. But you know what that didn’t matter to me at all. I didn’t kick her out of the wedding, she was still my BM just in absentia. It didn’t matter to me one bit that she wasn’t at the actual wedding, the fact that matter was that I wanted her to do me the honour of being one of my BM’s and she wanted to do that for me. She skyped in for the wedding and part of the reception wearing her dress (although undone at the back thanks to the bump).
I think society needs to get past thinking that being a BM is some kind of job with tasks to do. It is more about recognising those in your life that got you to where you are on your wedding day. The girls that supported you through break ups and heartbreak. The girls that encouraged you to get back out there after the break ups. The girls that giggled with you and listened to you repeatedly talk about your first dates etc.
OP the only thing I would do is make every effort to ensure she is comfortable on the wedding day- if that means no walking down the aisle and sitting on a chair at the alter then so be it.
Post # 10
@OnceUponATime: You sound like you’re coming at this totally the right way and sound like a great sister 🙂
Just chat to her honestly, tread lightly and ask for her opinion first. Share how concerned you are for her and as PP said, come up with a few plans of attack and then wait closer to the wedding to see dress size and things 🙂
Post # 11
I definitely had no plans of forcing her to step down! (I just knew the title would be attention grabbing, lol)
Would it be bad for her to wear a different dress? Should I still put her name in the program? Should her husband still rent a tux? (He’s a groomsman)
@chasesgirl: Oh noo! Stay strong!
Post # 12
Maybe she can just get a nice black dressy jersey dress and a sash, shrug, or corsage in your wedding colors. Then she will be very comfy, will be sure to wear the dress again, and perhaps will be able to “stand” up next to you. Perhaps make her honorary maid of honor and talk to the o the other girls. She may very well be able to plan events like the bridal shower and other traditional MOH duties or you can let the other BM know they need to step up a bit.
Post # 13
@ParisM: Thank you! I can do that. Except the dress part. We have to order absolutely no later than 12 weeks prior, which would be too early to tell with her :/ Would it be bad to have her in a different dress?
Post # 14
@kerensa: Oh yes! She’s still planning my shower and things like that 🙂 She’s been such a great big sister!
Post # 15
For perspective, my FSIL’s MOH had her first child 8 days before the wedding. They had someone lined up to do super last minute alterations on her dress and she still performed all of her MOH duties on the wedding day! She was a trooper, but she also had the help of the BMs throughout the planning process and on the wedding day.
Post # 16
@OnceUponATime: I think you still keep her on the program and can have her husband stand as a groomsman if he can be there. I think it’s fine to have her in a different, yet similar, dress that she can get closer to the date.