how to reset expectations for timeline

posted 4 months ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
5972 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

ramengirl :  Well it’s hard to give advice without knowing why he’s pushed back his desire to get married. Generally speaking a man who wants to marry you will make it happen. The fact that he wanted to marry you before the end of the year and now he wants to push it to next spring? Doesn’t sound like he’s all that serious.

As for managing your expections….that’s a matter of you either deciding to be ok with waiting around for him, or deciding you’re not interested in waiting.

Post # 4
Member
439 posts
Helper bee

There’s no way to “reset” your feelings attatched to this expectation. If we could reset feelings, the world would be a much less complicated, but also less genuine, place. 

The problem is that feelings on when things like this happen will continue to build upon each other. The best way to not go crazy is to have a very open discussion with him. He said logistically, next spring is best, that’s a year away and y’all aren’t engaged.  Is he only ok with being enraged for a certain amount of time?  Having a year to plan a wedding sounds  very normal to me. How long does he “plan” on y’all being engaged and how big/small of a weeding are y’all planning on having?  Because working on the wedding industry,  you of all people should know that vendors get booked quickly. 

Post # 5
Member
408 posts
Helper bee

This doesnt bode well :(.

Regardless of whether you plan on marrying by December or next Spring for logistical reasons, an engagement should be shortly in order. I’d say 8 to 16 months is the average engagement length (of course things can be done on shorter or longer timelines). 

It doesn’t seem like he’s pushing things back for logistics, that seems like an excuse. It sounds like he’s changed his mind about wanting to marry.

If it were me, I would talk to him about it and see if you can figure out the hold up. Maybe it’s him, he might have things he wants to achieve before marrying. Or it could be you, maybe he doubts being married to you. If the latter is the case, know that you deserve someone who is enthusiastic about marrying you!

Post # 7
Member
5210 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park

So is he wanting to buy a house with you when his lease ends or what?

Post # 8
Member
238 posts
Helper bee

I would go ahead and ask him to set a date. Next spring is coming up in less than a year, and venues can book up quickly. If he won’t do that, you have your answer. 

Post # 10
Member
5210 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park

If he just wants to rent a new place I don’t see why that pushes back your timeline any. Get engaged now, get married a couple of months before the lease is up. Voila!

Post # 11
Member
217 posts
Helper bee

I can personally understand his reasoning – if you can’t alter the lease to include you on it, it means you’d not be spending your first half a year as a married couple living together. For me personally, I’d hate that, and would definitely postpone wedding plans. I understand that some people feel differently, but it could be his feelings too. However, if you can alter the lease, then I actually don’t understand his point of view.

I don’t think this should postpone an engagement though. Even if the date logistically needs to be pushed back 6 months, you’re still planning it, and that’s an engagement thing. He should be putting a ring on your finger!

But I think in order to rearrange your thoughts, you both need to be on the same page. I think you both need to organise a time to talk about expectations and feelings. Get it all out on the table with the goal to set a plan in order that takes both of your wants into account. Once you’ve set a mutual plan, things will be easier.

Post # 13
Member
4088 posts
Honey bee

I would be okay with the wedding next spring instead of this fall since he has reasonable reasons/ logistics as you say for wanting to marry in the spring (I’m assuming one or both of you doesn’t want to live together while engaged?). BUT …..why does this need to also push back your engagement? This is the point that would upset me, make me question him. The way I would read this is: get engaged soon/ wedding in next spring = totally do-able  BUT wedding next spring/ engaged not so soon = questions as to whether he’s stalling/ making excuses 🙁 

Post # 14
Member
6482 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2050

ramengirl :  What  RobbieAndJuliahaha :  said. Pushing back the wedding a few months, nbd. But that’s no reason to postpone your engagement. It doesn’t matter if “all of your friends” are engaged for 6-8 months. That works for them, doesn’t make it law. Seriously, do I have to pull the mom card and ask “if all your friends jumped off a cliff….”? That’s ridiculous and is clearly an excuse. A bullshit lame excuse that an 8-year old would be embarassed to use. There is no “how long he plans to be engaged for” — you get engaged when you decide you want to get married, and then you’re engaged for as long as it takes to plan your wedding. He’s yanking your chain.

Post # 15
Member
4088 posts
Honey bee

Daisy_Mae :  lol always good to play the Mom Card 🙂 

I’d also like to point out that guys who go on about what other people in their friends circle are doing, only do it when it’s conveniently what THEY want to do. If a guy is dragging his ass on proposing, he’s quick to point out that in their circle of friends, many guys waited 4 or 5 years to propose. BUT if he’s dragging his ass on proposing and the ‘norm’ in his circle is after a year or less of dating, he gets all sweaty and uncomfortable every time one of his buddies announces his engagement and hopes it won’t give his gf reason to ‘pressure’ him. 

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