how to reset expectations for timeline

posted 2 months ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
4616 posts
Honey bee

ramengirl :  

Sorry, coming late to the discussoin but I cannot for the life of me see what his lease has to do with being  engaged and/or married .

I’d want a good talk about whether he has got cold feet  and changed his mind about marriage frankly. 

Post # 17
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee

Overthinking on both parts.

If you love each other and you BOTH think in one way AND you are grown ups, “timelines” are meaningless ( haven’t you read any of the “waiting” posts here?).

Othing REALL means anything except THE QUESTION, THE RESPONSE, THE EVENT, LIFE.

Post # 18
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

There’s absolutely no reason to postpone your engagement. Once you’re engaged, you may find that your timeline will change significantly for wedding planning.

Post # 20
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

ramengirl :   If he’s serious about getting married next Spring then I’d start planning the wedding together . Because a year isn’t a long time. 

My FI and I booked our venue before we got engaged because we knew we wanted to get married in August but he wasn’t able to propose for logistical reasons until November and that wouldn’t have been enough time to plan a traditional wedding. 

Post # 21
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee

My partner and I are pushing back our engagement/wedding for logistical reasons. We have specific savings goals and a spreadsheet to help us accomplish that, as well as a very specific “engagement window” and wedding season (date would be a bit much at this point.) It’s a mutually agreed-upon thing related to specific financial and career pressures. I’m more sympathetic to the general idea of logistical concerns than most bees; sometimes the love is there but the time still isn’t right. My issue with your situation isn’t that.

 

“I need to sign a new lease,” however, is NOT an insurmountable hurdle. Are you moving in with him at the end of this one? Will he be trying to appease you with that (look! our relationship is progressing!) to get you off his back? I’m concerned that he sprung this unilateral move on you without even discussing it, and his excuse feels pretty flimsy. I would leave the fact that your friends are getting engaged out of it and have a serious discussion about your goals as a couple. Not just your individual desire to get married and his individual desire to push back. Where are you, as a unit, headed?

Post # 22
Member
5800 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I guess I don’t see what his issue is? His lease isn’t up until next spring? Well it’s currently spring now, and no reason why you can’t get engaged. Just because most of your friends only have a 6-8 month engagement doesn’t mean you have to do that. The average is actually 12 months for an engagement. If you want to get married in the spring you might actually need that much time, as spring and fall are prime wedding months and the popular vendors book up well in advance.

You need to have a serious discussion with him. A guy who wants to marry you will make it happen. If he’s pushing it back, it sounds like he’s not quite ready and potentially using the living situation as an excuse….because there is no reason you can’t get engaged right now. Getting engagement doesn’t mean you get married tomorrow.

Post # 23
Member
765 posts
Busy bee

It’s really important to be on the same page with timeline stuff. A lot of guys don’t really realize the amount of time needed to plan a wedding and that it’s hard to start officially planning until you are officially engaged.

If I may ask, how old are you guys? If he’s <25 years old then that probably explains a lot (my SO is 24 and I went through/am going through this process right now).

Post # 25
Member
29 posts
Newbee

ramengirl :  I have to throw out there that even through the doubt and confusion he recently put you through, based on your above update, the guy was able to reassure you that this is what he wants with you and apologized for not being more careful with his words. That’s huge as some of us bees can’t get that out of our men very often if ever.

 

of course actions speak louder than words. So now you’re expecting a proposal some time in January? So that’s what I’d expect of him then. Hold him to it.

Post # 26
Member
97 posts
Worker bee

ramengirl :  Why not be engaged through the lease end? That would ensure things are moving forward. 

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