I spoke with a planner yesterday about this because I've been bombarded with it.
She said, "Blame your venue. Say, 'I'm so sorry, but my venue is very intimate and we're trying to respect that.' Leave it at that."
I told her that was a great idea because I'm super blunt and would be like, 'bitches, I don't really talk to you anymore.'
I tend to think people ask out of ignorance - they haven't planned an event OR haven't planned an event with a limited guest list, so they don't realize how awkward it is.
I'd just say, "We're still working on the guest list, but with the size of the venue, we have to really limit it and so much is already taken up with family. If anything changes though, we'll be sure to let you know."
I actually had two really important people, including a senior vice president at my company (not the SVP of my division, who was already on the list, but another who was instrumental in hiring me) ask if they would be getting invitations to my wedding. I decided to invite them.
However, when it comes to multitudes of friends, I would probably just be honest (if this is true) and say something along the lines of, "We're honestly still trying to finalize our guest list. Of course, we would LOVE to invite everybody who is important to us, but because we obviously both have a lot of family members that we need to accommodate, we're not really sure yet how many others we will be able to include."
How did you respond to these inquiries that you've already had?
Maybe they're just being nice or joking. I know people who have done that and then ended up with an invitation to a wedding they didn't even want to attend.
@NAvery: I tend to think people ask out of ignorance - they haven't planned an event OR haven't planned an event with a limited guest list, so they don't realize how awkward it is.
It's funny you say this--we actually had the wife of one of FI's best friends ask if they were invited. This was after they'd been married, and their wedding had a very small guest list (~40 people maybe). Ironically, we were there to ask her husband to be in the wedding party.
We've had this question a few times, and it's really awkward. I hate making people feel bad or upset. Our venue IS very intimate, so that's what we've been going with. "Our venue doesn't hold very many people, so we're keeping the guest list pretty tight. You know how it is..." I find by adding a statement like "Thanks for understanding" or "You know how it is," you're taking away their opportunity to argue, haggle, or make you feel bad. It's like forcing them to realize that yes, they DO understand, because they're smart enough to realize that weddings cost money and space is often limited, so - DUH - you can't invite everyone.
I'm having this problem at work...I plan to invite a few people that I actually talk to a lot and hang out with some outside of work, but I keep getting questions about the wedding from others that are not on our guest list and it is incredibly awkward. One guy even asked me what the date was because he booked a family vacation in September and wanted to make sure he wasn't going to miss my wedding!! I have never mentioned or gave him any indication that I was inviting him and I politely tried to explain that we have a limited number of seating and we are still finalyzing our guest list and his reply was "That's not a big deal, some people can just stand." Um, no!!
@MissCountryGirl727: People can just stand? How nice of him to not only invite himself, but decide that people are ok standing! lol some people are just too much.
I have actually had some customers of mine assume they're invited. I'm like "excuse me? I only know you because I sell you cigarettes everyday, why do you think you're coming to my wedding?" But I usually only say that in my head and out loud I just tell them we're only having 60 guests and all the room is taken up. People just kill me.
I would brush it off with someone along the lines of "We really don't know yet how many people we will be able to invite. It's going to be pretty small, so unfortunately we won't be able to invite everyone we want to."
Don't give a reason why. It just gives people something to argue with or "help" you find a work around.
Just tell them the guest list isn't finalized (it isn't), and that you won't know until much closer to the event. Hopefully, by then they will grow some manners, and not ask again. If they do, then just tell them "I'm sorry but that won't be possible"
Thankfully we ARE having a small wedding, so it makes telling everyone that they're not invited MUCH easier! I was going with "we are thinking about having a small, intimate ceremony, mainly just family and long-time family friends. I wish we were able to invite more people, but I think it will still be lovely and just as meaningful." I feel like having a smaller wedding takes away a little of the stress (money, which is a big part of it), and helpe us focus on US, and not pleasing all the others.
@sealevels: Your planner has great tact! I'm with you.. If I didn't have something already prepared in the back of my head, I'd probably say, "Uh, did you get an invitation? No? Well then you have your answer." Lol
my fiance works at a steakhouse just for wedding funds along with his fulltime job. Some of his regulars BEGGED him to come to our wedding...my reaction- are you kidding me?! you have never met me, or hung out with my fiance outside of you ordering a steak. haha
sometimes people just don't think. When this happens i kind of just say it depends really because we have large families. and just leave it open-
@s2bmrscook: Haha! Glad I'm not alone. Sometimes I have to bite my tongue and hard.
I was very polite the first few times the same people tried to invite themselves, but lately I've gotten a bit less polite and somewhat rude. I just reply back with "we'll have to see" or "I'll get back to you about that". Yes, it's not polite: I know. But, when the same people ask several times and don't take the hint, I lost it.
I usually just said something along the lines of "Our guest list isn't set yet, but I have a crazy big family, so I probably won't be able to invite all of my friends." (I do have a large extended family, so it wasn't a lie, per se, even if I knew some wouldn't be able to come.)
Who ASKS to come to a wedding? That seems like the strangest thing to me! It's one thing if people assume, but begging to come to a wedding? Now that is just weird.
I would just tell them that your venue space only holds a certain amount of people and you've reserved it for family and close friends, so it doesn't ultimately come down to a money thing.
It's going to be pretty small, so unfortunately we won't be able to invite everyone we want to
.
I've just been telling people that we are on a budget, inviting immediate family and friends that we see on a regular basis. More like "People that are IN our lives, not a PART of our lives"...lol.
We just told people we're only having family because of our budget. Most people are understanding of this. Unfortunately you always have the people that try to invite themselves (Oh i'll just stop by, I don't need to eat dinner). My FI and I wanted to send these rude people a fake invite, rent a small room, play Rick Astley on a loop and get a beautifully decorated styrofoam cake that says "You've Been Rick Rolled'." Sadly, it's not in the budget.
We had this question a lot. Someone in our social circle used to say to us all the time "Your wedding is going to be so much fun" or "I hope you have ____ at your wedding" and "I can't wait for your wedding!"
We would just smile and change the topic. Of course, now that the Save the Dates are out, these comments have stopped!
BOTH my fiance and I have had this problem. SERIOUSLY? WHO ASKS THAT?! It's SO Rude!! We didn't know what to do!! BOth of us were totally caught off guard. HOw ridiculous of people to ask like that. THey deserve not being invited because they were so rude to ask such a question.
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Hi bees,
I came across this a few times this weekend, as my FI and I were out with a large group of friends and aquaintences.
We are over a year away from our wedding and have a rough but not final guest list where only our closest friends are invited (which for the both of us totals about 20ish anyhow) but I was asked by two different girls if they could come to the wedding ... one even offered to pay for her own meal. I have no idea how to respond because I dont want to be rude and say no.. but also do not want to say yes because realistically she probably wont be invited. It is a really awkward situation because I dont know if they expect to be invited or what.
Both of these girls I have known for years (elementary school) but lost touch with over time and only see once every few weeks MAYBE and dont talk much.
Any advice on what to say when this happens? Why o people think that they can just put the bride in this awkward situation? lol