How to respond when people ask if they are invited

posted 1 year ago in Etiquette
Member
1522 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I spoke with a planner yesterday about this because I’ve been bombarded with it.

She said, “Blame your venue. Say, ‘I’m so sorry, but my venue is very intimate and we’re trying to respect that.’ Leave it at that.”

I told her that was a great idea because I’m super blunt and would be like, ‘bitches, I don’t really talk to you anymore.’

Member
2298 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I tend to think people ask out of ignorance – they haven’t planned an event OR haven’t planned an event with a limited guest list, so they don’t realize how awkward it is.

I’d just say, “We’re still working on the guest list, but with the size of the venue, we have to really limit it and so much is already taken up with family. If anything changes though, we’ll be sure to let you know.”

Member
9456 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I actually had two really important people, including a senior vice president at my company (not the SVP of my division, who was already on the list, but another who was instrumental in hiring me) ask if they would be getting invitations to my wedding. I decided to invite them.

However, when it comes to multitudes of friends, I would probably just be honest (if this is true) and say something along the lines of, “We’re honestly still trying to finalize our guest list. Of course, we would LOVE to invite everybody who is important to us, but because we obviously both have a lot of family members that we need to accommodate, we’re not really sure yet how many others we will be able to include.”

How did you respond to these inquiries that you’ve already had?

Member
20577 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2011

@NAvery:  Great advice! I was pretty much going to say the same thing. :)

Member
1468 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Maybe they’re just being nice or joking.  I know people who have done that and then ended up with an invitation to a wedding they didn’t even want to attend. 

Member
11300 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@NAvery:  I tend to think people ask out of ignorance – they haven’t planned an event OR haven’t planned an event with a limited guest list, so they don’t realize how awkward it is.

It’s funny you say this–we actually had the wife of one of FI’s best friends ask if they were invited. This was after they’d been married, and their wedding had a very small guest list (~40 people maybe). Ironically, we were there to ask her husband to be in the wedding party.

Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

We’ve had this question a few times, and it’s really awkward. I hate making people feel bad or upset. Our venue IS very intimate, so that’s what we’ve been going with. “Our venue doesn’t hold very many people, so we’re keeping the guest list pretty tight. You know how it is…” I find by adding a statement like “Thanks for understanding” or “You know how it is,” you’re taking away their opportunity to argue, haggle, or make you feel bad. It’s like forcing them to realize that yes, they DO understand, because they’re smart enough to realize that weddings cost money and space is often limited, so - DUH – you can’t invite everyone.

Member
1400 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’m having this problem at work…I plan to invite a few people that I actually talk to a lot and hang out with some outside of work, but I keep getting questions about the wedding from others that are not on our guest list and it is incredibly awkward.  One guy even asked me what the date was because he booked a family vacation in September and wanted to make sure he wasn’t going to miss my wedding!! I have never mentioned or gave him any indication that I was inviting him and I politely tried to explain that we have a limited number of seating and we are still finalyzing our guest list and his reply was “That’s not a big deal, some people can just stand.”  Um, no!!

Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@MissCountryGirl727:  People can just stand? How nice of him to not only invite himself, but decide that people are ok standing! lol some people are just too much.

Member
7495 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2014

I have actually had some customers of mine assume they’re invited. I’m like “excuse me? I only know you because I sell you cigarettes everyday, why do you think you’re coming to my wedding?” But I usually only say that in my head and out loud I just tell them we’re only having 60 guests and all the room is taken up. People just kill me. 

Member
1864 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I would brush it off with someone along the lines of “We really don’t know yet how many people we will be able to invite. It’s going to be pretty small, so unfortunately we won’t be able to invite everyone we want to.”

Member
2947 posts
Sugar bee

Don’t give a reason why.  It just gives people something to argue with or “help” you find a work around.

Just tell them the guest list isn’t finalized (it isn’t), and that you won’t know until much closer to the event.  Hopefully, by then they will grow some manners, and not ask again.  If they do, then just tell them “I’m sorry but that won’t be possible”

 

Member
1173 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Thankfully we ARE having a small wedding, so it makes telling everyone that they’re not invited MUCH easier! I was going with “we are thinking about having a small, intimate ceremony, mainly just family and long-time family friends. I wish we were able to invite more people, but I think it will still be lovely and just as meaningful.” I feel like having a smaller wedding takes away a little of the stress (money, which is a big part of it), and helpe us focus on US, and not pleasing all the others.

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