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Girl, find them a sitter they can book on their own. I know money is tight with you but doing the legwork on your end will save that nasty snarky call. Because honestly, your family isn't likely to travel 7 hrs if there isn't even a sitter to watch their kid at the reception (even one they pay for). Also, it is really hard getting a sitter to watch a kid overnight unless it is family... so find some college kids (posters at local schools do the trick) or ask around and go from there.
I know it is a PITA, but it will be so much more of a PITA if you have a dozen or so "you dont want your cousin at the wedding!? calls!
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I understand not allowing kids, but I'd be bummed if I were a parent and there were other kids allowed there. Exceptions can make things seem arbirtrary and/or unfair.
Personaly I would rather invite less people and make room for the kids, if it's a financial decision. Or maybe like suggested, there are ways that you can help arrange logistics and push the cost onto the kids' parents?
I agree wholeheartedly with what was posted by Mr. Bee. I understand the concern about having the bridal party kids come, but at the end of the day, those are also kids and they are just as likely to act as other kids do. It doesn't change that just because they are in the bridal party. To a parent, it isn't enough of a justification and it isn't "fair".
Maybe you can hire a babysitter or have an alternative activity for the kids near your venue and include that as an insert for your invitations. That way it is a nice way to let parents know that their kids can and should be somewhere else and it is a passive way of letting people know this is an adult soiree.
HTH
I completely disagree with the others and I am on your side. I am in the same situation. We are having 2 young flowergirls, my nieces, and then his siblings 3 under 1 yrs. old nieces and nephew; then after that no one under 18. I don't think parents will not understand this. all the kids are leaving early, they are mainly there for family photos. Its OUR wedding, we'll do what we want. I specifically remember several of my aunts and uncles getting married when I was young and not being invited. Not only that, but chicken fingers are not worth $40. AND its an evening wedding, ceremony starting at 615 PM. Most children should be in bed once the party starts anyway. AND if we were to invite all the cousins we each have, there would be at least 30 kids there under 13 - its not a birthday party, its a FORMAL wedding. I think most parents are used to having to get sitters for their kids. To be perfectly honest, not my problem! But we are spending a hell of a lot of money for an "adult" party - I can't imagine people wanting to bring their kids anyway. I also have no problem telling them they are not invited. My aunt keeps asking, saying its only ONE person, wah wah wah - and we tell her its only her ONE kid, but if we invite one, we have to have them all. SO, SORRY, it ain't happenin'! Guests know you have to start cutting the list somewhere. No child wants to go to a boring wedding anyway!
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Stand your ground, we're having an adult only event as well and have gotten heat about the kids not being invited. We are spending a ton of money for a classy event, not a kids party.
Aha!! I have a solution!! I'll babysit for you at the hotel, if you babysit for me at my reception! We both live in MN and it solves the 'no money' problem for all :)
I'm half serious. If you really want to do it, PM me and we can talk about it. But that is an option.
Otherwise, like Maegan said, stand your ground. Tell them it's adults only and be as kind as possible so you don't have to deal with the heat.
The only kids coming are the ones in the wedding party - this is MY wedding and I want MY kids to be there...see what I mean. WOuld you shuffle you're children off just because Aunt Gale can't bring her 2 year old to a party at night? I'm not asking my wedding party to leave no matter their age, rude or not to my guests they are the wedding party. It would be like asking my MOH to leave because she's under 21?
I'm rather bull headed if you can't tell, LOL which is why I first said I'm not getting a sitter, we can not afford it. It's not possible. It's also IMO not safe and I would never leave my child in an off site place with some teenager I hardly know. None of my cousins are mature enough to handle watching another human, let alone several kids under 4, and I know my family would never go for leaving their kids with someone they don't know back at the hotel (plus the hotel really wouldn't like 14 kids running amuk - ooh spelling issue. as normal) - even if it is a cousin from another side of the family. Plus I would be panic stricken the whole night.
Now I'm not a freakishly uptight mom, I am however (as far as I've been able to tell thus far, I would love to know where the other mommies are out there!!! ANd if you have some please don't take the next sentance the wrong way.....please!) one of the only gals on here with children of her own. And leaving your kids with a sitter is really easy to say, when you don't have any - KWIM? I always told my mom to get a sitter for my 6 yer old sister....now being a mom of a 3 year old I know why she didn't. It's not as safe or easy as it was back in the day, you know before fire when we were all born...hahaha. Kidding. Good sitters are hard to find and
I really am not trying not to sound like a you-know-what but I think I may be in which case I am sorry, but I'm blaming it on the coffe not having kicked in yet.....
I'll figure something out - I think no matter what I'm eaither going to have to take the heat or invite the kids.....I hate ultamatiums with out a good ending.....Bah Hum bug!
Come here coffe!!!
Bite the bullet and provide the same kiddie meal for your 3-5 cousins and your DD/FG. Your relatives will most likely not come if they can't bring the kids (I understand both your and their anticipated view).
Ask the hotel (or a local day care center, your church, etc.) in advance if they can recommend a bonded and certified babysitting service. The kiddies can come to the ceremony and dinner (thus spending time with mom/dad and other relatives) and at a specific time the sitter (should be 2 sitters for 3 or more kids) can bring them to the hotel room, plug them in front of a kiddie movie/put them to bed.
If your reception isn't the same place as the accommodations the kiddies are simply taken to the hotel to be with the sitter after the ceremony.
Family harmony lasts a lifetime...and so do hard feelings.
7 Hours of Travel = $250 (gas or plane ticket)
2 Nights of Hotel Stay = $200
1 Gift = $100
1 missed day of work = $100
**And these are all conservative estimates that do not include if they need to rent a car, if they had to get you a shower gift, go to your bachette party, got their nails done for your wedding, etc.
I don't mean to go all Emily Post on you, but these are your GUESTS. The definition of a guest is "One who is a recipient of hospitality."
My fiance and I are so honored that our guests love and care for us so much that they are willing to spend their hard earned money and their time to be with us. So, when we were making our budget, we thought about these wonderful people who want to share our special day with us. So yes, a big chunk of our budget is going to shuttles to and from the hotel and reception so guests don't need to drink and drive, or stay sober!, or pay for a taxi. We are also going to have a room at the reception with a nanny service. Out-of-town guests should not be expected to pay $200+ for a 72 hour babysitter while they travel to attend our wedding. It would be lovely if the kids stayed home, I agree with Sweeney that many kids are bored to tears - but it should not be EXPECTED that my guests pay for them to be left at home.
Yes, all of these things cost money - so we have a lower budget for the flowers, I only spent half my dress budget because transportation costs got high, and I am not giving out favors that in my experience usually end up forgotten at the reception. All of that money is going into being HOSPITABLE to the guests that are important to us and/or our family and who want to be with us on this special day. It sounds like your budget is set, so take some of the wonderful advice and hire a nanny service to be at the reception and tell the parents that babysitting is provided and this is the cost per kid. Or find a kind friend to do it like the sweet bride who volunteered.
Treat your guests with respect, not as a burden to deal with. Think of all they are sacrificing to be with you. And as my fiance always tells me, weddings are about families. Our parents have been thinking about our wedding day for much longer than we have - this is not MY day - it is OUR day (and it is a fairly inclusive OUR).
Just one final note on the definition of HOSPITABLE (treating guests and strangers with warmth and generosity) as I anticipate it will come up - providing a meal and drinks does not make you hospitable if you INVITED them to dinner - that is merely providing them with what you had already extended an invitation for. Being hospitable is also not going into debt paying for what you can't afford. Being hospitable is treating your guests with warmth and generosity - meaning you don't expect things from them, including gifts, as they are your GUESTS.
**I did not intend to be snarky, nor was this intended as a personal attack on Sweeney who is always a great contributer. Rather, this is my pent up frustration towards lots of people (myself included) that get so wrapped up in the "wedding project" that they forget their manners, they forget what is important, and they forget what it was like a few years ago when they were wedding GUESTS... and soon, we will all stop planning, and go back to being wedding guests.
We are inviting lots of people to the wedding that have children, one set of cousins have 7 kids alone, so the costs could rise quickly. I agree that it is a little ridiculous to spend $40 on one meal for a kid, but with family coming from far away, I feel like I have to do something for them because I don't expect parents to come 700 miles without their kids or to come to town and leave their kids alone or with a stranger.
My answer to this problem has been to plan a "kids reception" at a nearby location, most likely the hotel that we are getting a block of rooms at. I'll provide a sitter (probably some of the older kids themselves), food (probably pizza), and some toys and games for the kids. No kids, including the ones in the bridal party, at the reception because I think it is both unfair to other kids and a little silly because their parents will have to leave early to take them home before the reception ends. I just felt bad telling the siblings of my flower girls and ring bearers that while the kids that got to be "special" all day get to stay for the party, the kids who were not in the bridal party have to go home. And in the end, the kids will probably have a better time than they would at the grown up reception because they get to be away from mom and dad for a while which was always a treat when my family went out of town.
I understand that I am adding non-essential costs to my budget but it is important to me that I treat my guests the way that I would like to be treated. I have always complained about weddings that didn't seem to take into account the financial stress that being a wedding guest involves. If I have to cut something for myself so that people that I care about have a good time, that's what I'll do.
if you're in the NYC/philly area, check out the Wedding Sitters at http://www.theweddingsitters.com. i haven't decided if i'm using them yet or if i need to, but it's a nice idea.
Everyone makes good points, but Sweeney, there is nothing impolite about your expectation that only people who are INVITED should be coming to your wedding. That is the bottom line. Yes, people often assume and expect that exceptions be made for them and them only, but you shouldn't feel like you are a rude hostess because you don't want to tolerate a guest's rude behavior. Just because it happens all the time doens't mean that bringing uninvited guests is rude. That said, you already know from your experience and the replies thus far that this is a hotly contested topic. We had no gifts and no registry and specifically told our guests that we knew that just attending the wedding was a huge financial investment for some people, so just to come was enough. I arranged for a sitter for my friends to hire on their own and provided a place for the childcare, but I don't think that's necessary for you. (By the way, if you do want to do this, I asked around for references of nannies and babysitters of my students)
I think I'm going to have a kid room on the site of my reception... so kids above 4 are covered... my problem is what to do with the tiny kids.. ( I have 4 friends that will have children from 4-9 months old) they won't even know what pizza is, or want to color yet ! and I KNOW their parents won't want to leave them with an unknown, "hired" sitter, any thoughts on that ?!
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Oh enmoore come on. When someone throws a party, it's rude of the guest to complain if the party doesn't offer all the services they would like. If it doesn't offer all the services they would like, then they can stay home. If your friends invited you over for a party, would you complain to them because they didn't send a prepaid taxi over to pick you up and drop you off? Just because it's a wedding does not mean guests have a right to start making demands about what is offered at the party they were lucky enough to be invited to. Now, of course I agree that it is hospitable to provide extra services that would make things easier for your guests, but it is unfair to suggest that it is inhospitable not to provide these extras if you cannot afford them in the budget. Not everyone has the resources to offer such luxuries. Does that mean they shouldn't be allowed to get married and still have a party?
I think it's perfectly acceptable to create boundaries as to whether or not children be invited to the party. I think it's okay to decide on having no children as guests, but one or two selected children as wedding party members. It does get into a bit of a gray area if the children in the wedding party have siblings, but other than that, draw a line in the sand and say no children other than wedding party guests. Adult guests should understand such a policy.
Many of us (sometimes including myself) get caught up in wedding planning. A lot of the anticipation of having everything "perfect" for one day because so much money is spent on it is overwhelming.
Because of this, it leads us to think, "It's my big day, I'm the bride/groom, I can do whatever I want and everything else is secondary or unimportant".
True as it is (the truth hurts!), courtesy and manners still apply. Whatever situation arises and whatever each of you decide, be sure to go about it in a smoothed out way so one will not step on too many toes (or any at all) if possible. This isn't only for the adult reception topic, but for everything in general.
Be very careful in your wording in conversations and especially in written documents. A lot of the original sentiment and emotion are lost in writing and they are too easily interpreted in an incorrect way which will result in anger or resentment.
I don't have kids so I can't fully understand the idea of leaving my children with someone I don't know personally; however, I can completely imagine it. I can imagine how uncomfortable that may be and how much worry there can be. In that situation, I may not even be able to enjoy myself at the wedding! How awful.
I want this to be a gentle reminder that at the end of the day, what's really important is that we are spending the day committing ourselves to the person we love the most and that's what counts. Everything else is sugar on the side.
I fought the law and the law won. MIL that is. *giggle* no, seriously the kid/no kid thing was such a big deal in a previous family wedding that several IMMEDIATE FAMILY members did not attend. So before it even became an issue for us, we just accepted the fact that weddings are family events and children no matter how young are part of the family.
For the RSVP cards, I did make a box for people to check if they needed a childs plate as our caterer can and will do a childs plate for a nominal fee.
Just my 2 cents
Its not rude to not invite kids to an adult party.
When I was little, my parents went to weddings all the time without me and my siblings. They had friends that they left us with for the weekend, or when we got older, we had friends we went to spend the weekend with. Quite frankly, the weddings we did go to, I remember being incrediably bored.
So not being invited probably worked out for everyone best. :)
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Not addressing the issue directly, but some perspective after a year from the wedding.
During the planning, we (hubs and I) really wanted the wedding to be about "us" and our friends. We did succeed, but in retrospect (looking at pictures and the video), I wish we had put more focus on family. Yes, some family members I barely know, but they do have ties to my parents and my in-laws, and provide a sense of history.
I wish I had done more posed family portraits because candids can't capture everyone there. The posed ones can get the quieer relatives and friends in the picture, since the candids tend to capture the camera-loving people. Alas, one of my husband's friends - who is a big ham and I really find tasteless - ended up in a lot of photos b/c he was always jumping in front of the camera and making faces.
As enmoore said, during the wedding-planning process, it's easy to get caught up in the "it's MY wedding" thinking. But afterwards, as I realized it was a rare moment to gather far flung relatives all together - I wish I had more photos to memorialize that part of the event.
Do you have a website? provide a list of sitters and sitter-services in the area... even if your guests don't use them, it will confirm that you don't want kids to be present.
I thank everyone for their input and apologize for causing such a heated conversation.
Sadly all I've gotten out of this is a sense of feeling like a huge peice of crap because I don't have enough money for either a sitter or the food at the reception.
I don't think I've really ever been made to feel so low on the totum pole of the financial situation and my wedding budget is prett fair in the aspect of things.
I hope this will end the conversation. Thank you to those who shared actual helpful information basked on my initial question and the factors involved in it.
I'm not sure why babysitter's aren't an option at all? You don't have a coworker with kids, or a neighbor or another aquaintance you can't ask to babysit a few kids? You don't have to pay for the sitter, but I do think providing the contact is nice. Sitter could then charge the families an appropriate rate.
I agree it's a lot to ask people to travel 7 hours without something for their kids. I also agree a kid-free wedding, except for wedding party kids, is fine. It gets tough trying to make other exceptions though. After the wedding party kids, it kind of has to be 'all or nothing' IMO
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Don't feel bad at all, this is YOUR day, not a chance for parents to get entertainment and a meal for their little ones. You don't have to deal with the stress of little ones. We did the same thing at our wedding. Our flowergirl was my god-daughter, and my husband and I had practically raised her along with her parents, she was 5 and was the only one under the age of 14 at our wedding. It was a long day for her, and she even went home about 9pm. She ate the same thing everyone else did and it worked out fine. If anyone asks, tell them there are venue restrictions, which there are from the sounds of it, and just explain that you are looking to have an adult only party. Would they bring their young children to a cocktail party?? Then they shouldn't be at your formal wedding.
One way we avoided all of the little ones was to only address the invite to their parents. If someone RSVP'd for children, we just gave them a quick call to let them know it was adults only. And we had people traveling from all over the country, they still came and everyone understood that Raven was bridal party, not just another child that day.
I hope everything clears up for you, and I look forward to hearing more of your wedding details!!!
~Amber
No co workers - I'm a stay at home mom, all the people I know have little bity kids. And most of them arnt' even invited to the wedding as I don't know them very well - my daughters only 3 so we haven't done a lot of "mom together things."
And I seriously honestly really truley for real do not have the money to pay for them to eat at the wedding, it's another $1000 exactly. I don't have the money for a sitter nor do I have a place to get one, or a place to put them if I did have one. It's so weird to me that no matter what, people must think I'm just making that part up to be difficult. Really, I don't know anyone with a child I would even consider being mature enough to watch infants and toddlers.
And FYI - last time I heard anything about getting a sitter online here in MN the sitter ended up having someone over and accidentally killing a child she was watching. Sorry, maybe when ya'll have kids you will see that leaving your's with someone you don't know from Adam isn't safe anymore, and I won't take chances betting with my kids saftey. Kids can claim to be certified sitters, but there's no way to prove it otherwise.
Still not the point. this thread is pointless as the major factors in my question are bing ignored for whatever reason...and it's not even a big deal I got the situation figured out for the ,most part on my own and really wish I never posted this.
I give up....lol. SOmeone just delete this post would ya? Before it cause a massive war...lol.
Sweeney, I don't think anyone is trying to make you feel bad on purpose and if I did so, I apologise profusely. It wasn't my intention. I was just trying to share my thoughts and offer some advice about how to possibly go about it in letting your guests know of your decision. Everyone's budget is different and hiring a babysitter isn't the answer for everything. Like I said in my original post, what about just setting up alternative activity ideas you could maybe post on a website and also filter through word of mouth?
I'm not saying it's rude of the original poster, Sweeny2Be, to not invite kids but I am just saying one may come across as rude if great care is not taken in handling the situation such as the way one may convey the message. (Hence the writing and lost sentiment stuff).
hey, I know you said you are done, but I did want to add my two cents.
I actually wrote a post about the fact that we were not having kids at the wedding other than my nephew who is in the wedding. I actually wanted to have them all there, Mr Corn did not. So we got on the phone and called each and every family with children. Now, we offered onsite babysitting for all children under the age of 1 (because we were far away from a hotel and we didn't want people to not be able to come because they had to feed Jr.) but for all other children, parent's were on their own to find a sitter. We did provide a company in Newport that they could contact, but that was it.
So...why am I telling you this? Every single parent that we called completely understood and the situation was far less dramatic than I feared it would be. Even considering the fact that we basically held a destination wedding! In fact, only one couple took us up on the babysitting (so you could just leave that out). The only issue we had was a couple on Mr Corn's side that just added their kids to the RSVP. The did it...because Mr Corn NEVER CALLED THEM!!
Now THAT was an issue because at that point they decided they were coming, and I would have loved to have had them there, but we had already had 12 of my friends make other arrangements and to have them there would have been unfair to everyone else.
So...stick with what you know you want...people will respect you and most likely work with you to come up with a solution. For the most part, many of the parents got married at some point and will understand that weddings are expensive and that you have to give the same restrictions to everyone other than immediate family and attendants.
Ok...hope that helped a little.
--Mrs Corn
Oh my goodness, I just want to say thank you for starting this post, because we are trying to figure out the best way to deal with this issue too, and I've gotten both some added perspective and some good ideas for how to handle the situation from all of the responses. I'm sorry that it hasn't been as helpful to you, and I'm really sorry that it's made you feel worse, but I just wanted you to know that you've helped others by bringing this up. Thanks to everyone for sharing your thoughts!
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I want to start the word of mouth on my step dads side that we intend to have a kid free reception. We're even being rather easy on it = Jr High and up - are the welcome to attened if they are willing to abide by the ruiles of teh private and spendy golf course we are on. (seriously we can go about 200 feet out the back door and then we get a fine.)
However on this side of the family there are 3-5 kids under 10 and being cousins I feel like they may be pissed at me for suggesting that they travel 7 hours from their home with out their kids or leave them in the hotel. And honestly it doens't sound right.
Problem, we will not be offering a kid friendly food item for any kid other then mine (the flower girl) and the 2 other wedding party kids who in my eyes have the right to attened the dinner for a wedding they were in. I can't add the chicken fingers to the menue because it will cost me an arm and a leg to put a 3rd choice on the list (listing 2 plates make one $1 more and 3 plates makes each $1-$2 more depending on the item) Not to mention the cost of the food itself.
A few things - babysitters are not an option at all.
- my step dad probably won't actually pass the info on, he'll forget if I ask him too and my mom doens't even talk to them....
- theres no option or money for a room of their own on the premisis.
How should I word it with out hurting her feelings or giving off the wrong idea? I can just hear "You don't want your cousin at the wedding?!"
Help!