Post # 1
Hi Bees, SO and I found a venue we love, and we may be able to negotiate the minimum food and beverage requirement to get it into our budget. However, if we do this we would have to cut the guest list. This is going to sound terrible, but I don’t really care about everyone on the current guest list showing up. I’ve managed to keep in touch with a lot of friend groups from my past. My question is, if I have a friend group of, say 8 girls from jr high but I’m only still *close* to 3 or 4 of them, must I invite the entire group (and their significant others… so we’re talking an entire extra table, not just another couple of people)? The entire group gets together about once every 2-3 years and I don’t interact with the other girls outside of the occassional facebook “happy birthday” or “great picture!” post aside from these events. I would hate for the girls who are invited to feel uncomfortable, or the uninvited girls to think that it’s bad blood. I really don’t dislike most of these people, I simply don’t feel close to them any longer. (One of the girls did say some pretty cruel things about me in order to fit in with a different friend group in college.) But I really can’t afford to host every single person that I’ve seen socially in the last 3 years… If it comes up, do I just explain there were limitations for how many people we were able to invite and that family came first? Do I suck it up and try to find away to make sure they can be included since I know some of the girls I am close to are still close to some of the others?
Basically, how do I get out of the “if I invite this person then I must invite this person which necessitates inviting this person” trap, and feel ok with just inviting the people I am truly close to?
Post # 3
Yes, it’s okay. If anyone questions you about their “lost” invitation, tell them that due to the venue/budget, you had to trim the guestlist. It’s your wedding, not theirs.
Post # 4
Don’t invite people because you feel obligated to. I am not inviting two of my mom’s brothers because they are assholes to her, and am inviting second cousins over first cousins because I actually see them and have a relationship with them.
Invite the people you want to be there.
Post # 5
I am not married but I have read articles on things on I can relate to you a little bit. I had a few friend groups back in middle school, my old neighborhood, different groups of friends in high school and junior college. I wouldn’t worry about inviting ppl just because they are in a group. Invite them because you truly want them there. Not out of obligation. Out of my group of me and my girls from middle school I’m not friends with all of them just some and I would invite who I want, not invite cause I have to. Whatever girls you decide to invite also tell them to not talk about the wedding to the uninvited people or at least keep talk about your wedding to a minimum.
Post # 6
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Our guest list rule of thumb was “Do we hang out with these people on a regular basis? Or, if they live in a different state, would we hang out with these people on a regular basis if we had the chance to?” “Regular basis”, for us, meant at least once every 2-3 months. When we looked at it that way, it was pretty clear who our “real friends” were. I made one exception to this guideline for someone from my high school days. She RSVPd “yes” for 2 and then never showed up. No phonce call… nothing. I should have stuck to my guidelines without exception.
Post # 7
@MadameX: Axing them would be ok. If they ask, just be honest and say, “I’m sorry, Due to space and budget limitations, we weren’t able to invite everyone unfortunately.”
Post # 8
People understand that weddings are expensive and we all must make choices when it comes to the guestlist. Many of the people I was really close to in high school I haven’t talked to except a generic happy birthday facebook post and I’m not inviting them. None of them are married, but if they were getting married I can’t imagine them inviting me, nor would I feel bad if I weren’t. I think generally now a days with the economy still poor and weddings so expensive people don’t assume they are invited to any specific wedding unless they are super closer and don’t go bragging about it when they are to others that they assume are also invited (that is just poor manners).
Post # 9
@MadameX: “My question is, if I have a friend group of, say 8 girls from jr high but I’m only still *close* to 3 or 4 of them, must I invite the entire group “
Of course not. You only invite your closest friends. The others are, in effect, your friends’ friends. And I find the whole concept of “groups” overrated – groups are not hard and fast, group “members” come and go.
If it comes up, say small wedding, family and closest friends only, you can’t invite everyone, etc.
Post # 10
You definitely don’t have to invite whole groups of friends. People will understand if you’re not that close. We’ve been narrowing down our guest list by some of these tips: http://weddings.gatheringguide.com/ac/getting-started-planning-your-wedding/the-no-stress-guest-list It seems like you’re on the right track though. You already know who you don’t want to invite. Now you just have to work up the courage to un-invite them 🙂
Post # 11
- Wedding: October 2014 - Church
@MadameX: Don’t be political. This is absolutely the one time you do not need to be political by playing “fair”. I have a few groups of friends – and there are some people who are there because they are close with some of my friends, but it doesn’t mean that I would invite them to hang out one-on-one. Do you hang out with any of those gals one-on-one on a consistent basis (or would you if you could)? If not, then no biggie. Invite who you want as some of those people are probably more like acquaintances now who you used to be close with but grew apart from.
Post # 12
If you told someone or hinted to someone that they would be invited to your wedding, then it would be a dick move to then not invite that person no matter how much you’ve grown apart. If you hadn’t said anything about the upcoming nuptials to someone, then it doesn’t matter. It sounds like some of these people aren’t even close to you anyway.
Post # 13
As long as you haven’t sent these people a save the date, you are good to invite whichever friends you want! I don’t have too many friends invited, but they are all my very good friends. We are limited on space as well, so I couldn’t invite everyone- I wouldn’t want to invite everyone!
Post # 14
We had a very intimate wedding of only 26 guests, consisting of only our IMMEDIATE family and closest friends. These were our rules and lines of thought:
“What is our present relationship with this person?”
“Do we GENUINELY like being with them?”
“Could we call this person to help us move a body?”
1. Immediate family only. For us, “immediate family” included our parents, siblings, my grandfather and one very close uncle. It did not include any cousins, other aunts/uncles, etc. that we never talk to.
2. Current good friends only. Take a minute to reflect on who you sincerely consider to be a true-blue friend. Often times, this may not be many people.
3. No work colleagues. (Unless they happen to fall under the good friends category).
4. No Acquaintances. No friends of friends; no people that you only talk to on facebook.
5. No old friends that you used to be close to, but drifted apart over the years. Unless you are truly interested in trying to rekindle a friendship.
6. No political invites. Thinking that you need to invite them to your wedding just because you were invited to theirs? Nope. Thinking that you have to invite them because they are part of a group? Nope.
7. No one whose presence there would make you unhappy or uncomfortable.