How to split up wedding costs?

posted 3 years ago in Money
  • poll: How to divide food costs? Read post for further details
    In thirds equally: FI family, the two of us, and my family : (5 votes)
    11 %
    By guests: FILs pay for theirs, My fam pays theirs, and FI & I pay some for both sides plus friends : (32 votes)
    68 %
    Tell FMIL to calm her tits and wait to see who is actually attending first : (3 votes)
    6 %
    Other... I'll explain : (7 votes)
    15 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    3249 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Anonymous benefactor pays for the whole wedding. [/thread]

    (I don’t have real advice, but I thought this would be funny.  If I am incorrect, please ignre me and proceed with real discussions.)

    Post # 4
    Member
    3442 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    @crysxcross:  I think everybody should pay for their own guests.

    If she wants to invite 90 people & you are okay with that, then she should pay for their plates. Same goes for your side of the family. They can only invite who they can afford. You and your husband should pay for the guests that *you* want to invite.

    If you don’t want certain family members from either side to be there (either for personal reasons or just because the guest list is getting too large) then just say so and it should be your decision.

     

    Post # 5
    Member
    8720 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I think you should create a budget or estimate of the total wedding cost and then see how much each can contribute (provided that they are willing). I wouldnt book anything until then unless you are sure it can all be paid for.

    Post # 6
    Member
    8720 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2013

    nevermind…I read the poll options. I chose by guests.

    Post # 7
    Member
    391 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    I would find out how much each side is comfortable contributing and then you guys pay the rest.  I would not frame it in terms of percentages or number of guests.  I would also not share with your FMIL the amount your parents are contributing or vice versa.

    If your FMIL’s contribution does not correspond at all to the amount it will cost to invite 90 guests, I would explain that you won’t be able to invite all extended family, which is sounds a bit like you might want to cut down on anyway.

    Post # 8
    Member
    348 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I think you need to 1) Figure out what people are willing/able to contribute 2) Create a budget based on that 3) Invite those who fit into the budget. If your budget doesn’t allow for Grandma’s brother’s kids’ families, then they aren’t invited.

    No one should be demanding that others’ pay more than they can afford.

    Post # 9
    Member
    286 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    @crysxcross:  my presumption is that she is nagging about price as she needs to figure out bottom line what her financial responsibilities will be — probably wants to know this information before you book the venue.  I think this is fair enough.   

    Frankly, since the numbers of invite are drastically different from each side, I would approach it by saying that it would only be fair if the cost be divided based on how many people each invites.  A lot of people understand only by example — my example would be that if she went out to dinner with two of her best friends, one ordered the most expensive bottle of wine on the menu and enjoyed it all by herself, would it be fair to make the her friend and herself each pay 1/3 cost of that bottle of wine?  It just wouldn’t be fair or right.  Flipping the senario and putting them in the other persons shoes, sometimes helps.    

     

    Now if she can not agree to that, then tell her the only other alternative is that each group (that is your side, his side, and yourselves) can only invite 30 people tops.

     

    Just my two cents ~ good luck!   

    Post # 10
    Member
    922 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    This sounds so much like what I was dealing with in the beginning. I broke it down like this for FMIL:

    -Any money you contribute is a gift, it does not entitle you to make decisions

    -FI and I approve the guest list and cut who we feel necessary (she also gave us a list of nearly 75 guests)

    -If she is still insistant that we do certain things or invite certain people, she will pay any and all additional expenses to cover those people (including food/booze/rentals/decor, everything)

    I think its really important to agree on finances early on, especially if people are contributing and not in equal ways. You in laws can’t expect to add things without paying extra. its a tough conversation to have, but I think it should happen before you do any more major planning

    Post # 11
    Member
    11772 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2013

    Definitely by guests!

    Post # 12
    Member
    6525 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2013

    @crysxcross:  i think you FILs should pay for their guests and your parents pay for theirs. That seems fair

    This is how we split the costs:

    As a wedding gift, my mother paid for the wedding venue (food and alcohol)

    DH and I split everything else right down the middle ( honeymoon, flowers, dj, photograher, invites, favors). The only thi g we didnt split was attire. I paid for my own dress, he paid for his tux

    My in laws offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner and as a bonus my MIL threw me a surprise bridal shower

    Post # 13
    Member
    842 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    Let both sides contribute whatever they like. Your wedding cost belong to you and your FH. Anything others contribute is a gift to you both.

    Post # 14
    Member
    11379 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2012

    you need to find out how much each will be contributing before booking the venue and planning the wedding.  even better, have the money in your hands.

    have you determined how much just you and your fi can afford on your own?  seriously, i have heard too many stories where so-and-so was supposed to contribute x-amount and didn’t or only gave 50% of that or whatever.  the couple ends up in debt because of this.

    do yourselves a favour, plan the wedding that you can afford and if your parents want to contribute, that’s a bonus.

    Post # 15
    Member
    177 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I would talk to both your future in-laws & your parents to see how much each are willing to contribute. It may be an awkward conversation but it helps ease hurt or angry feelings in the end. In this conversation, you can lay out to your FMIL the expected guestlist and point out that they are inviting more than your parents. If she wants to split the costs by thirds, then each group should invite the same amount of people. Then, if she would like to invite more than that number, she can cover the extra cost. 

    In my situation– I am paying for half of the wedding and my parents are covering the other half (they are divorced). It is custom in my family for the bride’s family to cover the wedding costs and the FI & family to pay for the honeymoon and rehearsal dinner costs. My parents are paying for all of the reception costs because they want to host the party. I’m paying for the rest (photography, church, videography, flowers, my dress, etc.). 

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