Post # 1
My fiance and I have a loving, usually healthy, very happy relationship. We’ve been together six years and are getting married in August.
Sometimes I think we forget how much we love each other, because sometimes we don’t speak that kindly to one another. It’s not every day, or even every week. But once someone starts, it sets the mood for the whole day. We often apologize (I usually say sorry first) afterwards, and agree we need to stop being “mean” to each other.
Does anyone else go through these patterns, and have they tried to stop?
Examples of being “mean:”
1. Being short or sarcastic in reply- this is the major one
2. Feeling annoyed that they’re not “doing anything” i.e. chores and then going off on it
3. “When I come back in an hour, I better not see you still on the couch”
4. General negative/resentful attitude TOWARDS each other (not ABOUT each other)
Of course, “think before you speak” would be a good way to fix this. But it’s not that easy.
We are considering pre-marital counseling so we can start of our marriage on the right foot.
Post # 3
1. Don’t say something stupid.
2. Help around the house
3. Get off the couch
4. Smile more
I kid, but kind of not. I can snap at my husband and him at me. All it takes is a “what’s really bothering you?” or an ass-grab and bear hug. Recognizing that you’re being foul is the first step. Everyone has off days. Home is an easy place to let go because you’re comfortable, you just have to make an effort to make it a safe place.
Post # 4
@blustarlet15: Pre marital counselling is a great idea for everyone. Most of us can use improvement in our communications with people in our life. Be sure to ensure that your counsellor includes a thorough section on communication, or tke a separate communication course.
Post # 5
@almostmrsj: +1! SO is almost never this way with me, but I certainly get that way with him sometimes, and it tends to last for a few days until I can get my perspective back. It’s easy to get caught up in the little things, but realizing what really matters can be difficult. And what really matters is that you love each other and that you’re together.
Premarital counseling is definitely a good idea, because it can help you figure out the best way to handle these situations when they arise, because they certainly will continue to arise even in the best of couples.
Post # 6
@blustarlet15: when my SO is doing something that bugs or NOT doing something I want him to I make a point to say something sweet to him first. Like “Honey, I love you desperately but please stop leaving the cheese out because it gets gross” or i “trade” things like “if you vacuum while I’m gone i will clean the bathroom!”. I also sometimes promise “free milk” ( because he hasn’t “bought the cow” yet!) if he does something. Really I guess I’m saying try flirting with him to change behavior. It’s much more pleasant than fighting.
Post # 7
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
We just went through a period like this (we were both furloughed and not having any income is an incredibly stressful experience that really tested our nerves). We fought twice in 8 days, when we maybe fight once a year. It was very odd for us, and we had to step back and recognize that we were clearly off our game. What helped us was to come up with a plan for how we would handle a situation the next time it occurred. If one person raised his/her voice, it was the other person’s role to say, “We are raising our voices. Let’s pause for a moment to collect ourselves and then talk this out.” Funny enough… once we came up with our game plan we never had to use it. Stepping back and analyzing the situation, acknowledging the outside stressors that were leading us to be snippy, and coming up with a plan to handle everything as a team helped us break the cycle. It’s no fun when you are in the cycle, but you can work through it together and come out stronger for it.
Post # 8
I’m usually super sarcastic to my husband and I don’t try to be. It’s usually when he comments on something I am opinionated on.
1. My cure was to stop before I responded. It was something I had to consciously do at first, now it’s natural. Before I respond, I take three to five seconds to speak. This allows my “Knock off the sarcasm” barrier to come into my brain and I can formulate a much more reasonable reply.
2. Help? That seems to be pretty obvious. “Hey, I’m gonna do the dishes, can you help me/take out the trash/grab the vacuum/take out the dog/wipe off those dust bunnies”? After all, it’s about compromise. Not everyone is a self starter, so if you start the machine, people will help maintain it.
3. Why is this even a thing? Why bother saying this?
4. This would be a huge red flag for me. If my husband felt negatively towards me (or about me), we would not be married. This is not healthy behavior. Isolate why you’re doing this (Both of you) and eliminate it.
Post # 9
#3 is “a thing” I said yesterday, because I know that if I didn’t, FI would be on the couch when I got back from running errands, when he knows there’s a laundry list of chores to do.
Post # 10
@MexiPino: FI is really good about this with me… In turn, instead of getting passive agressive with him over stuff I’d want him to do, I try and do the same thing. We were really biting at each other over every little thing around this time last year and we’ve worked on it and it’s gotten much better.
Post # 11
@mrs_pudding_pop: @lia: Good to know, thanks.
Post # 12
@mrs_pudding_pop: Yeah, before SO I was pretty bitchy to my previous boyfriends because they were bitchy to me. When we first met I had the urge to snap at him a lot, but he was always so sweet to me that I felt HORRIBLE if I was mean. He really did make me want to a better person, which I always thought was a cliche!
Post # 13
@MexiPino: I hear ya…lol The day that lightbulb went off I was all “so Jack Nicholson did have a point in As Good As It Gets, eh?” 😉
Post # 14
We have this exact same thing going on, we never argue about anything major or have any major issues but seam to get in “nothing fights”. Really it’s more just beig sarcastic and bikering like an old married couple over stupid things. I’m not sure how to fix it exactly but we just try and have more positive communication. Also it makes a big difference how outside things are interfering at the moment, ex on vacation this is much less common than when were both stressed and things aren’t going right so I’ve been working on being more productive and better with money to eliminate stress
Post # 15
@almostmrsj: +, exactly this. Well said.
Post # 16
This happensa a good deal with us.
For me, the best solution is to make a good, conscious, actual effort to be nice, even if the other person isn’t.
That makes the other person be nice to you.
For example: you see there’re dishes in the kitchen. He was supposed to do them. You wash them yourself and then with a big smile you ask him if he could please fold the laundry. Chances are he’ll do it.
If you’re nice even when you don’t feel like it he’ll be nice in return.