How to stop comparing myself to his ex of EIGHT YEARS? :(

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

You’re right, 8 years seem like a long chunk of someone’s life. However, you need to focus on the fact that he wants to spend the REST of his life with YOU! In the grand scheme of things, those 8 years won’t have made such a difference. He chose you, and you need to think about that instead of dwelling on his past. No good can come from it. 

Post # 5
Member
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@memleyxx:  8 years only seems like a long time. But he’s planning to be with you for the rest of his life. Those 8 years will seem like NOTHING fifty years from now, when you’re sitting in rockers and feeding each other applesauce, laughing about all the wonderful things you did together in your marriage. I’m sure he won’t even remember her name!

Enjoy your time together now!

Post # 6
Member
433 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

3 words: Quality over quantity.

He may have been with her for 8 years, but something obviously was missing because they didn’t work out. You may not have been together for that same amount of time, but he saw something in you that made him want to spend the rest of his life with you!

 

Post # 7
Member
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

You may not get over it until year nine! Lol but seriously it’s just one of those things you cannot change. My fiancé is my first real relationship but he lived with someone for half a year and even though he plays it down it still bugs but we have lived together for 2 years and I am his longest long term and only person he ever proposed too… So think of it like that.. he wanted to marry you:)

Post # 8
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

My dad had a similar on again off again relationship for 10 years from college all the way up to his late twenties. He met my mom and married her within a year and a half. He was devoted to her like no other. He told me her never saw himself marrying the other girl. Unfortunately my parents got divorced, but it was not him who wanted it. He never wanted to let my mother go. Still doesn’t. Anyways, all that’s to say is, he never thought about the other girl again. 

Post # 9
Member
1706 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I have been divorced, had a child with my ex husband, am now happily remarried. I can tell you that I do not think of my ex unless I have to. I do not think of my high school sweetheart with anything but fond ‘what once was when I was younger’ memories. I do not wish I was still with either. 

When I do remember times with my exes, they are just facts. Like oh yeah, we went to that restaurant once, not oh, I remember how romantic it was..

My memories of the past are not all attached to them, when I remember my daughters first steps, I don’t remember him there, I just remember her. I would bet your fiance feels the same, and the only one thinking of her is you.

 

Post # 10
Member
1367 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I was with my ex for 8 years in College and for a good chunk of my twenties.  He is an extremely intelligent man who is funny and kind and comes from an amazingly kind and open family.  And:  HE IS TOTALLY THE WRONG GUY for me and not the man I’m marrying tomorrow 🙂

Don’t compare yourself to someone who your FI did not want to marry.  People can hang out for 8 years because they are compatible, it doesn’t mean they should marry and it doesn’t mean they are the love of each other’s lives. 

My ex is now married to the right woman for him as well, and we are still friends (and I wouldn’t marry him even if we were both single.)

Similarly the guy I am marrying was with a beautiful, glamorous blonde French girl who everyone thought he should marry.  She now has a child with someone else.  It all works out in the end 🙂

Post # 11
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’ve been married twice before.  Last husband I was with, and married to, for 15 years. Now, we even live in the same block of flats, so we see each other quite often.  But apart from chatting and having a cup of coffee together, I do not think of when we were together in any of the ways that you are worrying about.

First husband I married at 21, after 3 years together.  In total, we were together 5 and a half years.  I’ve not seen him in 20 years.  I rarely, and I mean very very rarely, think of him at all.

Concentrate on the here and now, and look to the future.  

Post # 13
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I think you are very sweet to love your fiance so much that you feel like you missed out on knowing him before you two even met.

Can you start thinking about it this way?
If he never met her, never dated her, he wouldn’t be the man you know now.

Everyone has an impact on someone’s life one way or another, good or bad. I am sure that dating her taught him a lot of important things that made him a better person by the time you started to date him – just like dating you has also helped him to grow.

I know for me, I would be a completely different (and infinatley more difficult) person in this relationship if I hadn’t been with my ex for however long we were. It made up a part of who I am, and while I don’t think of him much at all anymore it did help to shape my life a bit.

You know, you can’t go back and recapture his past, but you certainly have all of his future to look forward to. I think that’s a better deal in the long run.

Post # 14
Member
3222 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@memleyxx:  I think you have some very valid feelings about this. Eight years IS a long time, but think about how much a person changes within the years that they were together. The person your FI is now is totally different than the person he was when he dated her. Try to reframe it in your head that his past experiences were just shaping him to meet you and be YOUR perfect match.

My FH’s dad was previously married, and it is very hush hush in his family. At first, I thought it was odd that no one would ever speak of this woman who was such a big part of my FFIL’s life, but then I realized that she doesn’t have any relevance to their family now. While they were married for 15 years and a lot of his awesome stories take place in the time period that he was married to her, all of that occurred before he met FMIL. His experiences are HIS, not shared between him and his ex-wife.

Post # 15
Member
504 posts
Busy bee

@memleyxx:   I  had these exact feelings for a long time.  We had a similar situation.  Really,  the only thing that helped me was time.  My fiance told me a lot of things that made me feel better – that he’s happier with me than he ever was with anyone else, that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me,  etc. Maybe going to a therapist could help? We did couples counseling and it was a big help.  Stay in the ” now” instead of the past. 🙂

Post # 16
Member
2571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@FutureMrsBex:  This – I used to get really hung up on the fact that FI used to be married, and she had so many years with him.  It’s only been recently that I have realized that, so what?  X number of years will be nothing compared to the 50+ we plan on.  😉

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