Post # 1
One of my dearest friends found out today that she miscarried her first baby. She was 11 weeks into her pregnancy, and she and her husband had just told friends and family last week that they were expecting. She is scheduled for surgery tomorrow (D&C, I assume).
We were supposed to meet for lunch/dinner tomorrow, as I’d be in her city for the day, but obviously we are postponing that for now…
My husband and I sent flowers and a card, and I feel like I should do something more for her/them…but I don’t know what to do, and don’t want to invade her home when she needs time to rest and recover.
What would y’all suggest I do, or not do? I appreciate input from all, especially those of you who have been there yourselves, or have been in my shoes. Thanks, ladies.
Post # 3
@Mrs. Ranger: i am sorry to hear about your friend. i have been in your shoes several times myself with my sister in law. we both got pregnant about the same time but she miscarried both of her little boys so I always felt really bad that my kids are here and hers aren’t, and most recently she miscarried a baby girl. my only advice to you would be just keep her and her husband in your prayers, and give her some space for now. its a lot to digest right now, and if you are really close to her just be a listening ear for her just to vent if she needs to or to cry if she needs to. i know that she will really appreciate you for that. good luck
Post # 4
When you do see her do not hesitate to mention the loss of their baby. Many people just act like nothing happened and that is very hurtful.
Post # 5
@DIYDIVABRIDE2012: I am so sorry to hear of your sister-in-law’s losses. I am sure she has an extra ounce of love for your children 🙂
My friend and I jokingly call one another our “twin” so we are soul sisters for sure, and I feel like I’m grieving the loss of a niece or nephew.
Thank you for sharing your story with me, especially the emphasis on prayer. I have spent so much time today in prayer, but sometimes forget that prayer is more powerful than anything else I can do for her.
@julies1949: We acknowledged their loss in the card we sent, but I will be sure to mention it to her when I see her. I wholeheartedly agree with you; their loss is just as significant as somone who lost a family member who lived beyond birth. Thank you 🙂
Post # 6
I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks last year. For me, just knowing that my friends were there to listen was the most helpful. My dear friend in MI sent me several “thinking of you” cards… that little gesture really touched me a lot.
Honestly, I don’t think there is anything that you can say or do that will make your friend truly feel better. The card and flowers are so sweet! She is so blessed to have a friend that cares so much about her. I would truly recommend that you call her and tell her that you want to be there for her. Let her know that you want her to be able to rest… but, if she would like company that you would love to be there for her. Everyone grieves differently. For me, keeping busy was the best… I wanted to be doing stuff and going places so I did not have to sit around and think about everything. Many thoughts and prayers for your dear friend!
Post # 7
@beenthere2: I am so sorry for your loss, and am glad you have great friends who supported you through the difficult times! You and she are a lot alike; she’s like a jumping bean and rarely sits still, so I think taking her out to lunch or something fun to take her mind off things is a great idea.
My biggest fear is that she’ll be innundated with calls from concerned family and friends, and that my call will be just one more reminder that she’s not pregnant anymore. Hearing your perspective makes me feel much more peaceful than I’ve been all day 🙂 Thanks so much for the prayers and for sharing 🙂
Post # 8
There really is no right thing to say, I had 2 m/c before I had my daughter I was devasted & there were no words that made it better. But knowing that people are there for you thats really the only thing that helped. Sending flowers was really sweet & thoughtful. Just let her know if she needs anything or needs to talk you’re there.
Post # 9
I agree with the previous posters. I have had 3 miscarriages and what got me through them was knowing that my friends were there. They didn’t have to say anything or do anything, just knowing that they would be there for me was all I needed. During those times there was no greater comfort than a friend saying “If you need anything, I’m here for you. Don’t hesitate to call.”
Post # 10
@Mrs. Ranger: i am glad that my story could help you…it really does feel like losing a family member when my sister in law loss each baby it think i took it so hard because i had a miscarriage a few years back and in my mind i always wish somebody had been there for me like i am sure you will be there for your friend. prayer really does make a difference in a situation..it can bring so much comfort. although i am sure your friend just wants to mourn right now…just give her all the love and support that you can…i am sure she will really appreciate it.
Post # 11
I miscarried about a year ago, and only told my close friends after (we hadn’t announced the pregnancy) when I felt like I was ready to talk. I think you’ve already done enough by sending flowers and a card and showing you are thinking about them. For me, I didn’t want people to talk about it, but everybody is different.
Post # 12
My sister just got over her 3rd miscarriage in a row (she has no children). It’s been an absolutely devestating time for her & her husband, as well as our family. She was 8 weeks, 10 weeks, 9 weeks. For the third most recent one, she had already had 2 ultrasounds by 9 weeks because of her history, so most of our family had already seen the heartbeat, so it was super devestating.
It was a very nice gesture for you to send the flowers, so she already knows that you’re there for her if she needs you. You don’t want to overstep your boundaries right now. Healing from this takes time. I know that my sister needed a week to just hysterically cry, some days she’d talk about it, some days she’d go on like nothing ever happened. You just have to be there no matter what she needs and go with the flow. But acknowledging what happened when/if she doesn’t want to talk about it may be the worst thing you can do. The best thing you can do is just listen.
I sat with my sister and cried with her for the first few days. I helped her after her D&C with some cooking and cleaning, and after she was feeling a bit better I took her out to lunch and tried to get her mind off of it.
Sometimes women who experience miscarriages don’t want to hear the whole “Don’t worry, it will happen eventually. You miscarried because something was wrong” (My sister miscarried 2 healthy pregnancies with no explanation at all, her 3rd had major chromosomal issues). You may not know the whole story, so it’s best not to go into that whole frame of mind.
The most important thing is to make sure they stay positive – the best thing that helped my sister was when my mom told her that when she was little and fell off her bike, she would put her right back on. You can’t stay on the ground forever. 🙂
Post # 13
I think cooking some dinner’s for her that she can put into the freezer, so on those nights when she just doesn’t want to deal with it, she can pull out a home cooked meal.
I’ve made a few from this book and really liked them.
One thing I always say to a close friend who is going through something tough, is, “I’m purposefully not bringing up X topic. Not because I don’t care, but I want to help distract you. But know that I haven’t forgotten, and if at any time you want me to switch from silly banter to serious, feeling talk, I’m totally there for you. You let me know what you need.”
Post # 14
i miscarried twins at 10 weeks 🙁 I think about it daily but I know that there is a bigger plan and picture for me, ya know?? Even though it was devestating, I wanted to acknowledge my loss because it was a very big one for me. The friends who expressed their sympathies and moved on…it was sweet but I wasn’t ready to just move on. I didn’t want to sit and sulk but I kind’ve wanted to be vocal about it and such. It’s just such a hard thing and everyone grieves differently.
Post # 15
I know this topic was posted almost a year ago, but I have to agree with what some other bees are saying. I had a miscarriage about 2 1/2 years ago. I was devastated, but it was worsened due to the fact that everyone was tip-toeing around me, and refused to acknowledge that my baby was gone. No one wanted to bring it up, because everytime they did (and sometimes still now) I end up in tears. I didn’t know that I was pregnant, and I was only 6 weeks pregnant, but that was my baby. I still miss that baby every day, that will never go away. The best advice I can give to anyone in this situation is not to avoid the subject. Be sensitive about it, yes. Expect tears, but tears are not necessarily a bad thing. It’s better to let it out than to hold all of that pain in, only keeping it to yourself.
I hope she is still able to conceive, good luck bees!