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Interesting article. Like most people I don't think of myself as sexist but I am sure on some level I do have a tendency to compliment girls on their clothes, hair etc. instead of other things. I was listening to my best friends 7 year old go on the other day about how some guy (I think she "liked" him or something, I couldn't keep up) was with some girl who was prettier than her and it made me realize how young girls are when they start worrying about that stuff.
ETA - also along the same lines of the article I hate when people always ask young children (kindergarten and up) if they have a boyfriend/girlfriend. Even if you are just teasing them I think it can send the wrong message.
I read that article too! I had never thought about this, but it's so true. I'm a very academically-minded woman myself, but I still always want to tell little girls how adorable their hair, dresses, etc. are. It's really hard to squash that impulse. I think the article's suggestions are best - ask them about their interests, talk about books and compliment them on their intelligence and insight. I'll never forget my 2nd grade teacher telling me that I was such a great writer, I should write a book one day. Those kind of compliments mean a lot to a child of any gender, and it's a great way to remind girls that they've got strengths beyond their curls and their clothes.
Though everyone I know seems to have little boys, I read that article when it first came out and realized how much I do that to all kids. I think it's super important to encourage girls to value themselves beyond their appearance.
That's an interesting article. I have a daughter, and I'm constantly thinking about helping her develop the self-confidence and independence she'll need to succeed.
At the moment (she's 15 months), my husband and I try really hard to be specific about our compliments and praise. Not to say that we never tell her she's beautiful or cute, but we try to point out exactly what she's doing that deserves praise (e.g. "You listened so well to mommy and daddy by sitting down when we asked." "You are strong! I can't believe you can carry that box all by yourself!" etc...). Besides (hopefully) boosting her confidence, the positive reinforcement also helps a lot on the discipline front.
Also, I've read that being specific reinforces positive behavior whereas non-specific praise is kinda lost on young kids. For example, saying "you're so smart!" is less effective in getting kids to do their schoolwork than praising their perseverance and hard work.
Oh yeah, I remember reading that as well! It is great advice.
@Mrs. Spring: totally a side note, but I remember when you first announced your pregnancy... I can't believe she's 15 months now! Time really flies!
That is really interesting!
My dad has always treated me like this. He's never been the type to compliment whatever I'm wearing or how I look, except if I look exceptionally dressed up he'll ask what I'm up to. He was always taking me to the playground growing up or teaching me how to do stuff on the computer and reading with me. He always talked to me about what's going on in the world (even when I was annoyed and it was the last thing I wanted to talk about, lol) and treated me like an intelligent, respectable person.
And not to toot my own horn, but I think I've turned out pretty well. I should have my PhD when I'm 26 or 27 if things go as planned. I'm sure it's the result of someone having faith in me and treating me like I'm smart and capable of doing anything!
That's an interesting article.
It's definitely easier to do with older girls. Easier to find non physical things that they're interested in.
When a 4 year old comes up to you with giant curls and big eyes and frilly, sparkly clothes it's hard to not let those things draw your attentio. But it's completely true that I don't remember ever saying, "Your shoes are so cute" to a 4 year old boy.
I agree that it is important though, when every person you meet centers their conversation with you around your physical characteristics, that can definitely change your perspective on yourself.
@Natalieh86: I work with 7-10 year olds and it always freaks me out when they start talking about boys with any sort of seriousness. It's all silly 8 year old drama, but the fact they've started so young to imitate what they think big kids do and say is frightening.
And I'm totally with you about people asking little kids about "boyfriends" or "girlfriends". Even those shirts that say "Daddy is my boyfriend". Totally wrong message.
I talked to my niece early on about how awesome college was, and how we'd travel together when she was older, and how some people never get married and that's totally all right! And it bugs me that that message is seen as some form of "GIrl Power". It's not girl power, it's the truth and it's good and real. It doesn't need a label.
I work with 7-10 year olds and it always freaks me out when they start talking about boys with any sort of seriousness.
As freaky as that is, it freaks me out so much more when they start talking about their diets. WTF.
I liked that article quite a bit.
I try to instill in my nieces both their mental and academic qualities, as well as their appearance. My mom always made me feel both smart and beautiful and I grew up without being teased or mocked because I wasn't a weak and easy target.
I am a firm believer that if you teach your children that they are both smart and beautiful, then they will believe it even as they grow. It's hard to get picked on or itemized when you're smart enough to know otherwise.
The little girls who are not self-affirmed are often those who end up with eating disorders and low self-esteem. Not always, but often enough.
@Elvis:so true! The boys don't care about them at all for a few years, so it's all play. But when they turn down snacks and then act superior to the girls who are happily eating their cookies, I have talks with mothers then!
@Mrs.ChubbyBunny: "My mom always made me feel both smart and beautiful"
This. Although obviously you don't want to focus on just the looks/clothes/hair etc, it is still important for young girls and women to feel beautiful.
Admittedly, I haven't read the article the OP posted. But I think it is important to find a happy medium in building both confidence in abilities and skills and self-confidence in apperance.
Great article. I'm not around too many little girls right now, but I can only imagine how hard it will be to not be like, "awww, you're so cute!"
Funnily enough I never feel that instinct to tell kids they're adorable. I'll say it to their parents in conversation, but never to the kids themselves. I just automatically ask the kid what they're doing/looking at/playing with and chat with them about that and what their other interests are.
I'm an art therapist, so we learn that we aren't supposed to tell them their artwork is "beautiful" which is also hard to do b/c it's just instinct to say to a kid. Instead we tell them other things, like it looks like they put a lot of work into it, it's very colorful, unique, etc.
I think it's fine to tell kids they're beautiful. My mom always told me that, and I feel like it really did help my self-esteem. She also made sure to compliment my smarts and talents, but lets face it, looks are important in this world!
I recommend reading "Cinderella Ate My Daughter." It discusses the explosion of Disney princess and "glam" culture for girls (especially the preschool to 8 age), and how this may be altering girls' sense of worth.
The author also admits that shifting the focus from surface comments isn't easy. However, it is so important to ask about school, sports, extracurriculars... basically anything that isn't an automatic response referring to how cute or adorable her eyes/hair/outfit is..
It will be interesting to see how that generation is going to turn out as teenagers and young women. My hope is that parents are taking notice and intervening to help their girls feel valued for more than just their outward appearance.
i have five nephews, 3 great nephews and only one niece and stereotypes rein supreme at our many houses and yet all have managed to survive and thrive without requiring therapy due to poor self image
I think its ok to tell a child (male or female) that they are pretty/handsome or they are wearing pretty shoes or their hair is beautiful - its not like she/he is hearing it 24/7
my job as one of my nieces few female role models is to also teach her to aim for a good education, employment and independence/happy life choices and she can do all these things in a pair of fabulous shoes
A little off topic, but ugh, body image is a hot topic in our house right now. My 10 year old niece has decided she's "on a diet" because she's "fat" (she's a soccer player, all lean muscle, and girlfriend has had a donk out to here since she was born. For serious). She's gorgeous, and it makes me both very angry and very sad that she thinks she's fat. Her 6 year old sister is on the same kick. When I was walking her home from school today, she kept telling me she needed to eat less because she was fat.
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I read this article some time back:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-bloom/how-to-talk-to-little-gir_b_882510.html
And was reminded of it again this past weekend when I was interacting with the most adorable 3-year old girl.
My knee-jerk reaction was to tell her how cute she was and how much I liked her dress, etc... which I don't think anything is WRONG with - but I do think plays into how a girl could percieve herself in the long run.
Do you give any consideration to how you interact with little girls and what influences you may or may not have?
I'd love to know ways others have instilled self-worth or interest in a child. I'd like to get out of my "ooh, you are so beautiful" routine. With boys, I find myself complementing them on their thoughtfulness ... which is also transferrable to girls... but, again - not my first reaction (YET!)