Post # 1
I just got engaged to my fiance last week, and I still have yet to tell my dad. While I’m ecstatic, I’m scared my dad will be a wet blanket on what’s supposed to be a happy time in my life. I told my mom last week, and she was incredibly disappointed. It took me a few days to recover from the fact that my mom has reservations about my fiance’s ambition/salary and his religious upbringing. While she’s entitled to her opinion, it was a devastating conversation.
…Which leads me to my dad. My mom obviously wasn’t excited so she didn’t even tell my father (they are still married). I know that he has similar concerns, but I feel like I need to tell him so that I can just move on to the happier stuff. Anyway, does anyone have any advice or encouragement to offer? I emailed my mom today to give her a heads up that I’d like to call my dad tonight and asked her for any advice. This was her email, verbatim:
“No advice. Is Adam going to ask hank for permission? It’s customary.” Adam is my fiance, Hank is my father. Adam asked for my dad’s permission over Christmas, and my dad didn’t give him a straight answer. His answer at the time was. “Move in together and see how it goes.” Ouch.
Post # 2
sw7577: My parents weren’t thrilled when I first talked to them about marrying my husband (they’re Chinese and he’s white), but it didn’t matter. If your parents can’t be happy for you, it’s on them; as long as you and your FI are happy together, that’s all that should matter. As for your mom’s email about asking for permission being “customary,” it’s also “customary” for parents to be supportive and happy for their child, which obviously isn’t always the case.
Post # 3
I’m assuming you guys are both adults of legal age, and while it’s certainly sweet in some respects for a guy to ask your dad for your hand in marriage, I don’t think it’s necessary. In fact, it’s kind of gross if you think about it…why does your dad have to give permission for you to get married? You aren’t property. It might be customary but it’s by no means something that has to happen for you to get married. My husband asked my dad and he said “Why are you asking me? Ask Sarals24. I can’t tell her what to do.”
If you don’t think your parents’ concerns are valid, then just suck it up and tell them. What’s the worst they can do? If they aren’t happy for you they aren’t happy for you. Share your news with friends and family that you know will be happy for you, and don’t talk about the wedding planning much around your parents.
Post # 4
I’d reply “No mother, last time I looked it was 2014, not 1814. And btw, I’m not property.”
The sooner this offensive ‘custom’ dies, the better.
Post # 5
I’d just tell him. And if your mom or dad throws a shitfit, just tell them that he did, in fact, ask back in December, and dad never gave his answer. It doesn’t sound like they are going to be happy. And what happens if your FI does ask and gets a no? Are you seriously not going to get engaged then?
If you still are, then I see no point in the whole asking for your hand business. It sucks, and I am sure it hurts to have your parents so uninvolved, but you can’t change how they feel. Be sweet and keep them in the loop and hopefully they will come to their senses.
Post # 6
megz06: Ha, that’s an excellent point! Why would I encourage him to ask and then get turned down? How awful!
Overall, I don’t really care that my dad avoided the whole issue when my FI asked him for permission. I thought it was sweet that he asked regardless.
Post # 7
If you’re still looking for your parents approval, you’re not mature enough to get married. Especially when your mom isn’t intelligent enough to understand that its also ‘customary’ to support your child and want them to be happy.
Personally, if my parents were so uncouth I would’ve stopped giving a shit about what they had to say a long time ago.