Post # 1
My father passed away three years ago and I’ve had several cousins in my same situation who have asked their brother to “give them away” – so it has been assumed that’s what I’ll do as well.
However, my mom is insistent that her and my brother “give me away” at my wedding.
Here is my problem:
1. I am not close to my mother, in any capacity, we have never been close so I don’t feel like it’s appropriate. I feel like it would be very fake.
2. I hate the idea of being “given away”. I am not property and I’d rather skip it all together, or modernize it if I have to keep it in.
But how do I tell my mom that she won’t be giving me away?
As I said, we’re not close at all. She likely doesn’t understand my feminist point of view and will take it as a personal offence that I don’t want anybody to give me away.
Post # 3
“I am planning to walk down the aisle on my own. I hope you know you’ll still have an honored place in the front row.” Don’t debate. Don’t fight. Just tell.
Is she paying for any of the wedding? That does play into it too.
Post # 4
Just be honest. The worst that can happen is THEY over-react, but if you keep your cool then eventually they’ll calm down, presumably.
My Dad wanted to give me away and assumed he would, but my parents are divorced (and have been for some time) and we aren’t close. I didn’t want to be “given away” either, so Darling Husband and I walked down the aisle together. One thing we told family repeatedly so they’d STFU about it was that we were two consenting adults getting married and we wanted our entrance to symbolize that.
Just pick your very best reason “why” and use it. Over and over, if need be. Don’t argue, fight, get emotional, etc, just say “This is our reason, blah blah blah, I hope you respect that.” And leave it. 🙂
Post # 5
I don’t think I’d necessarily go out of my way to tell them, just politely say something if they bring it up.
Post # 6
So I’m guessing you don’t want your brother giving you away either?
Perhaps just say that you’d always dreamed of your father giving you away, and if you can’t physically walk down the aisle with him, you want to honour his memory by having him there in spirit, etc. Or, while you appreciate that this is important to your mother and brother, you want to show yourself independently choosing your husband. Another option is saying that you want to be given away by everyone at the ceremony – nowadays, the notion of ‘giving away’ (while still based in tradition) is more centred around who supports these people in their decision to get married – which applies to everyone there, hopefully! So you could have the officiant ask “Who gives this woman to this man?” and everyone at the ceremony (or just the wedding party) responding “We do.”
I obviously don’t know you, your mother, or your relationship, but I think the best option is to have a definite reason – i.e. “I want to walk down the aisle on my own because XYZ,” as opposed to “I don’t want mum to walk me down the aisle.”
Post # 7
@futuremrsfitz18: I disagree – I think anything that could cause drama the week before the wedding or, even worse, at the rehearsal dinner or on the day of, should be made very clear as early as possible. I’ve had some serious meltdowns with my dad when he found out things weren’t going to be exactly as they pictured it (and he’s normally a pretty rational guy) – I’m VERY glad we had that drama out 7 months in advance instead of the week of.
Post # 8
Just tell them you don’t like the connotation of the tradition, so you aren’t doing it. That’s what I did.
Post # 9
My officiant asked “Who brings this bride?” instead of asking who was giving me away. I didn’t want to be given away but I knew it was important to my dad to walk with me. You could also word it like “Who escorts this bride?” or just skip the question entirely and have your mother just take her seat.
If you feel strongly about walking alone, though, do it. Don’t let anyone tell you what to do on your day.
Post # 10
I am walking down the aisle with my dad, but the officiant won’t be asking who is “giving me away”. Instead, he will ask all four parents if they promise to support us in our marriage, bla bla bla.
Post # 11
A couple of ideas of what to tell her:
1- Since its traditionally the fathers role to walk down the aisle, you want to honor your father by not replacing him with someone else. Since dad can’t, no one can
2- You want her to watch you walk down the aisle (and you really want the photographer to take pictures of her getting teary-eyed)
3- Your Fiance wants to watch you walking down by yourself
4- Tell her you want everyone’s attention solely on you and not distracted by people walking next to you
Obviously these are complete BS, but they might appease your mom!
Post # 12
- Wedding: September 2013 - Lake Taghkanic State Park
Don’t make up excuses that you think won’t hurt her feelings, Just tell her that you aren’t comfortable being given away. End of story.
If you don’t like the idea of being given away then don’t try to make it a father thing or a brother thing, don’t drag your fiancé or anyone else into it, don’t say it’s about her. There’s no reason to create a false sense of blame, that will just lead to resentment. Ultimately it is your wedding and you should do what makes you comfortable. Just tell her this is what YOU want, make it your decision and own it.
Tell her it doesn’t have anything to do with her or your brother… that it is just your day and you really want to be able to walk down the aisle by yourself.