Post # 1
Quick backstory: My friend and I have been drifting apart for quite some time. She moved five hours away about four years ago and since then, we just don’t talk as much. She isn’t the best phone person to begin with, and any texts I send are usually met with one word responses, and she is obviously uncomfortable verbally talking on the phone. There have been times where we have gone months without speaking to one another. The last time she came down to visit, it was clear we really don’t have anything in common anymore.
However, I was just in her wedding in November. Leading up to the wedding, we talked more frequently and saw each other a bit more, but since the wedding was over, communication plummeted again. Between November and when I got engaged in February, we didn’t speak once. After I got engaged, I found out she was a little put off that I didn’t call her to tell her I was engaged and instead found out through Facebook a few days later when it was posted. I took responsibility, reached out to her to apologize for my mistake, explained that though I got caught up in the excitement, I apologized for her finding out through Facebook. Her entire response was a one worded message.
Now that I’m gearing up to ask my gals (still mulling over “Will you be my bridesmaid?” gifts, but at the very least want to write a handwritten note for each girl), I’m worried that she may think she is a bridesmaid. Even if she doesn’t, I think it would be more polite to reach out to her and inform her that I am not asking her to be in my bridal party so she hears it from me and not thorugh the grapevine.
I’m wondering if anyone has any advice as to how to broach the subject or if they did it themselves? I don’t want to make up excuses, but also don’t want to be blunt about it. I find myself at a loss of what exactly to say.
Post # 3
@MrsMeowton: Not asking her is notification enough. It would be even more awkward if you were to reach out specifically to tell her she is not in the wedding. I understand the good intention of what you are trying to do, but I think it would be more like you are rubbing salt in the wound.
Post # 4
@MrsMeowton: Ooh thats a tough one. I think you should let her know it was a tough choice, but you have decided to keep the bridal party to a minimal and hope that she can be there for the big day because you do value her friendship.
Post # 5
I wouldn’t mention it unless she brings it up (which I doubt she will). If you don’t talk anymore, it would be really awkward to call her just to say “you’re not in my wedding”.
Post # 6
@hotpinkbride: +1. You don’t need to specifically “unpick” her. Not picking her is enough. After all, you’re not going to reach out to people in advance and tell them you’re not inviting them, right? They just don’t get an invitation.
It’s kind of you to be concerned, but it sounds like it shouldn’t be too much of a surprise that she’s not going to be a BM. It sounds like you two have drived qutie a bit
Post # 7
Yeah, I get where you are coming from but there is no good way to tell someone that so it is better to not say it at all.
Post # 8
She got upset with you for not telling her you were engaged right away in-person and then when you apologized she gives you a one-word response?
Clearly everything is about her.
If someone finds out you got engaged their first response (if they’re worth a damn) should be happiness, not, “why wasn’t I informed of this before others?”
Drop her like she’s hot and don’t look back.
Post # 9
You don’t say anything at all. Not asking her will send all the message she needs.
Post # 10
Thanks for all of the replies. I am a people-pleaser by nature and just wanted to double check that by not NOT saying anything I wasn’t actually being rude or in the wrong. I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond.