Post # 1
Ok…so I have dreamed of getting engaged for years (my and my FH have been together 8 years!)…and it finally happened! One huge piece of advice that I have received from almost everyone past bride I have talked to is “Don’t rush to pick your bridal party, think about, and be sure of who you want and who you think will be around in the future!” I totally agree with this advice as I myself have seen some not so good situations occur when the decision has been rushed or for some reason the bridemaids just change out of nowhere!
I already know who I want to be my bridesmaids even though I haven’t told them yet…they are my two childhood best friends that I know will be in my life forever (they are more like sisters to me) and my two cousins!
My dilemma is…I have another friend that I have had in my life for the past 6 years…in the past (prob like 2 years ago) we have talked about wedding and “When I get married scenarios”…it was definitely mentioned that we would be eachother’s bridesmaids…Now fast forward to today and I feel the need to tell her “She will NOT be a bridesmaid” as I am assuming she is thinking she will be asked to be my bridesmaid!
I plan on telling her the truth which is we really don’t want a big wedding party and my FH is only having 2-3 groomsmen (even though it doesn’t have to be even I def do not want it to look really unenven)….I figured I would also tell her that I will figure out a way for her to be involved…I do not want her to feel hurt or left out…
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!!!
Post # 3
I think you need to decide what’s more important:
A: Having a larger than expected bridal party.
B: Offending a dear friend.
Wedding are about love, and family, and friendship. If she is one of your best friends, why not just invite her to be in your bridal party. It doesn’t seem like that big of a deal. Don’t put yourself in the situation where you could lose a friend over this… especially if this is comething you have talked to her about in the past.
Post # 4
Has she said anything about being in your bridal party? Or is this just what you are assuming? I wouldn’t mention anything to her if she doesn’t say anything, to be honest. If you are feeling guilty for not inviting her, maybe you can find another way to include her? Ask her to do a reading? Invite her to your shower and bachelorette?
If this is something she’s asked you about, I would weigh the options. If it’s more important to you that you keep your bridal party small then be honest–you want a small bridal party, it’s something you and your Fiance decided. Good luck!
Post # 5
I think the last paragraph in your post answers your question. That sounds like a very valid, and reasonable explanation to me.
I was quick to pick my party too, and although I love them all dearly I wish I was only going with my closest 2 instead of 4. So good for you on being clear and decisive. 🙂
Post # 6
Three bridesmaids isn’t a big wedding party. If she is very close to you and you feel you’ll continue to be friends after the wedding, maybe just include her? Is there something else going on that makes you reluctant to ask her to be a bridesmaid?
It’s funny, I have been telling just about everyone that we won’t have a bridal party. Somehow, people are beginning to drop hints that they would like to be a bridesmaid! Huh!?!?! But I/we have been saying “no groomsmen and no bridesmaids!!!”
I think people get excited about weddings and they want to feel a part of the special event.
Post # 7
Is there something else that you can do to involve her in the ceremony? Maybe have her be a reader or something else? I’m thinking that because you don’t want her as a bridesmaid that you might not want her as a part of the ceremony either, but just a suggestion if you do want to still include her somehow…just not as a bridesmaid.
Post # 8
I got cut from a good friend’s wedding party about 6 months ago because they didn’t want the ratio to be off, even after the Maid/Matron of Honor said she would be more than happy to walk down alone. It was the most hurtful thing a that had ever been done to me by what I considered a “close” friend. Granted, the Bridesmaid or Best Man and Maid/Matron of Honor that she chose were very good friends of hers. The two Bridesmaid or Best Man were a little closer to her than I was, and the other was someone whose wedding she had been in a few years back, so I guess she felt obligated to have her. I’m fine with that. Really, I am. The point is that she gave me a place in the wedding, got me all involved and excited about everything (dress shopping, hair, flowers, etc.), then took it away about two months before the wedding. I was devastated- not about being stripped of my right to walk down the aisle and have 30 sec of fame, I don’t care about that. Just because of the statement it makes. I mean, think about it. No matter how nicely you say it, you’re basically saying “You are a good friend, but these girls are my favorites.” Who wants to hear that?
I’m not saying you don’t have the right to do this. You have the right to have/cut whoever you want. Just know that if she’s really got her heart set on this, you risk your friendship never being the same again.
Sorry, I guess you can tell that’s a soft spot with me. 🙂
Post # 9
@Ballerina Bride: I think the difference is that you were actually asked to be in the wedding, and then cut, which is absolutely horrible!!
This is my personal opinion: We can’t ask all of our close friends to stand with us in our wedding. Maybe other people think you can have unlimited bridesmaids just so everyone is included, but I think this is unreasonable.
I would still ask your friend to be involved in some way (ie do a reading), because she seems important to you. Don’t feel obligated to ask her to be a bridesmaid though.
Post # 10
I think that although your friend might be disappointed, you said yourself that you want the bridal party to be kept at a minimum, and I think she has to respect that.
This sort of happened to me – I met a girl in university and we became the best of friends. There were actually a trio of us, and we’d tell each other everything and hung out all the time. When my friend moved away I’d go on the train to visit her and her bf 2 hrs away.
A year ago she got engaged and when we went out to dinner soon after, she was really apologetic and said that she was keeping a bare-bones bridal party and only having a Maid/Matron of Honor, and that would be our mutual friend. She was sorry because we had talked about being each other’s bridesmaids for years, and she thought I’d be upset. I was a little sad because I kind of felt left out, but she wasn’t doing it to be mean or spiteful at all. I could tell she was genuinely sorry about it. I wanted her to be happy, so that’s what I was.
I feel like people should be accepting of whatever a bride chooses. This was not my day, so I wasn’t going to get my friend upset about such a special time in her life because I wasn’t getting what I wanted. The last thing she needed was to get stressed out about a friend being mad at her.
I think you have every right to tell your friend that she won’t be a bridesmaid. Just make sure she knows that you care about her but that it’s just a tough situation. I’m sure she’ll understand.
Post # 11
First I just want to say thanks so much to everyone for your advice! 🙂 Not an easy issue for me as I have already decided who I want to be a bridesmaid just don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings…so I just have to find a way to tell her in the nicest way…if there is one!
@littlemissbluebird: I def would say offending a dear friend is more important…the thing is I really only want my 2 BEST friends and two cousins in the wedding party..
@Violet Violet: She has not mentioned anything to me about it…I just feel like I should tell her soon since I will be asking my other bridesmaids…I def need to find a way to include her..whether it be handing out programs or somethinig else..
@JessB331: Thanks! I am trying to be clear and decisive! 🙂
@Birdie Love: I will actually be having four bridesmaids…my two best friends and my two cousins…I am close to her now but I do not know if she will be a life long friend…she is a little difficult at times and I do feel like it is constant extra effort to be her friend sometimes…I am the kind of person that will do everything I can do for friends and family all the time even if I don’t get the same in return so who knows our firendship may stand the test of time… I totally agree that people get excited and want to share in the special day because I have totally been on the other side for friends and family members…I think that is what makes me feel bad about not having her in it because I sure she is excited and I don’t want to hurt her feelings (I never want to hurt anyone’s feelings!)
@2PeasinaPod: I would totally love to have her involved in something else…I really have to figure it out as our Godparents may be doing the readings…
@Ballerina Bride: I am sorry that happened to you! And just because the ratio was off WOW…everyone that knows me knows who my two best friends are…I am hoping that this one friend will understand that I am only asking my two best friends and my two cousins and I am not picking favorites
@OttawaBride2011: totally agree..if I had to ask all my friends then my wedding party would be enourmous!
@MsGolightly: I am the same way you are! I am a very understanding person and would totally understand if a good friend didn’t ask me to be a bridesmaid as it has happened to me already…I didn’t take it personally and I was still there to help out with everything! I just hope she is that understanding in this stiutation as in the past she has been a little difficult about our friendship at times.
Post # 12
Everything will be fine. Just tell her your scenario and she should understand. Have her do something special day-of.
Post # 13
Perhaps you could ask her to be your day-of go-to person–she could be involved in a lot of the planning still, but would need to not be walking down the aisle for logistical reasons. I recently photographed a friend’s wedding, and one of the groom’s sisters was a Bridesmaid or Best Man and the other was not but was the go-to person, and let me tell you, she saved my life. It was SO helpful having someone to ask to get all the Groomsmen together or all the bride’s family together or whatever for pictures, and I know she did a whole lot more than just that.
Post # 14
I probably wouldn’t even ask her/mention it to her. Unless, you would like to incorporate her in another way, like a reading or something. When my good friends got married they never asked me to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, and they never mentioned it to me either. You don’t even have to bring it up, if you don’t want. Of course it is nice if you do, though.
Post # 15
Umm…having been on the other side of the issue, I would say make sure to tell her. I was best friends with a girl for years before she became engaged to her now husband. I found out from a mutual friend that she had already asked the girls and picked out their dresses (and wedding colors) before I knew I wasn’t in the wedding party. I wouldn’t have been a big deal, except for the fact that we talked about it a lot, and then she tried to hide it from me that she didn’t want me in the wedding party because I lived too far away. It would have been much better if she just explained the situation instead of hiding it/lying about it.
Post # 16
She could be your personal attendant. I’m not completely sure of what this is because I just heard of it today, but basically it sounds like a day of go to person who may help in the planning too.