Maybe I'm just cranky and hormonal and tired but I am sick. to. death. of my in laws questioning everything I do now that I'm pregnant. My husband mentioned we're cloth diapering - my MIL's response? "Won't that give my grandbaby rashes? Cloth diapers are just awful and outdated." We told them the name - "Are you sure there aren't any others you're considering? What about DH's name Junior?" We also asked them to keep the name a secret, but they told people anyway, saying they just needed to "check with others and make sure its not too weird of a name". My husband and I told them we couldn't meet up with them for dinner on Friday nights anymore because we have a natural childbirth class. Their response? "Why don't you just sign up for a C-section? Stop trying to be a hero. A c-section is the only safe way to have a baby." You can't make this stuff up. I could give probably 90 more examples!
So basically I just shut down and stopped giving them any information because they question EVERYTHING. But now I've noticed I can't even have a normal conversation with them without it coming up! MIL said I looked tired the other night and I told her I was fine, just a little worn out from Zumba class. She gasped and told me I had NO BUSINESS going to Zumba (even though my doctor is thrilled I'm still working out during pregnancy and encourages it!). UGGGHHHHHHH.
I'm starting to get really worried that it'll be even worse after the baby gets here. How do I tactfully tell them to shut up and stop questioning us? My DH thinks they're doing absolutely nothing wrong and that they're just making conversation...So I need to shut it down in a way that doesn't hurt his feelings :/
"STFU and mind your own business."
"I don't remember asking you, but thank you for giving your opinion anyway."
"I'll give your opinion all the consideration it deserves."
i'm not very tactful...
I'd probably just keep telling them that you trust your doctor/midwife/your research more than their opinion. Your DH really needs to step up for you; you shouldn't have to defend yourself/your choices against his family. :\
I would just say 'Dh and I will decide what is best for our baby', 'Or oh, we discussed that too, but we have decided we feel more comfortable with this'..
Also - how do I keep from resenting them over this?! I really really liked them... and then I got pregnant.
@ellebeerob: "I am under the care of educated and liscensed doctors and I trust their opinion"
repeat ad nasueam.
@ellebeerob: i'm sorry... It's so annoying, and sadly, yes it does get worse when the baby comes. I haven't found a way yet and my son is one... Now I'm pregnant again and delaying the announcement as much as possible.
I just repeat that I know whatever she suggests is a possibility, but that I prefer the way I chose.
I don't know when the resentment stops.
Oh you poor thing. I had IL's from hell myself. You just think they're butting in now, just wait until the baby gets here. Your husband needs to take care of the situation, not you. They are HIS parents. Maybe he could have a "chat" with them. My situation became worse once he could talk because then she would check up on me to ensure I was cooking supper (and not getting take-out) by calling him every night after dinner and ask him what he ate for dinner. She always had criticism of me. Of course, she didn't particularly like me either. We tolerated it for just so long until one day my husband blew his stack and went over and told her to "F" off. They've been out of our lives for 12 years now and we sure don't miss them either. I hope you husband can reign them in while it's early. If not, you'll be tolerating their intrusion every way you turn. Good luck.
@mommytobee: That's what I was afraid of. They live 5 minutes away but I need to get my DH on board with setting some hard boundaries for them after this baby gets here. They are totally the type who will go against our rules/wishes and dismiss it as 'spoiling the grandbaby'. I think its even harder on me because my parents are 6 hours away and are totally cool with whatever we want to do - and I'm even more resentful that the irritating disrespectful set of grandparents are the ones who will get to see my baby all the time.
Also, you can tell her that numerous studies have been done comparing C-sections to natural childbirth, and every one that I've read has found that natural childbirth provides health benefits to the baby. For example -- C-section babies don't get exposed to as much bacteria on the way out, limiting the natural colonization of intestinal bacteria, and leading to a higher incidence of allergies later in life.
@ellebeerob: yup. They live 5 minutes away too, and at some point decided that it was ok to just drop by without notice while DH isn't here, twice per week, just because they miss their grandson that they saw two days before..
this situation was my breaking point and I addressed it with DH.
I might also add - my MIL takes everything that I'm doing differently than her as a dig that her parenting of my DH wasn't good enough. Since I'm cloth diapering, breastfeeding, making our baby food, and planning for a natural birth and she didn't do any of those things, she takes it that I'm trying to one-up her and think her way wasn't good enough. We also didn't take the recommendation for a babysitter she knows because the lady lives 30 minutes out of our way and is about 85 years old and she was miffed by that too.
I just wish my DH wasn't so up their butts that he could see how much they bother me and how much they're interfering.
Woah. Aside from how annyoing this is, they are sadly misinformed. Cloth diapers reduce rashes and are often recommended by pediatricians for babies with sensitive skin. C-section has a much higher risk of complication than vaginal birth.
I would just stop telling them things. You could also try to educate them about your choices. I imagine at some point, if I were you, I'd end up snapping at them and telling them that you have done your research and can make your own decisions.
Wow nothing is more annoying then people with strong opinions on things they know nothing about.. Instead of shutting off try and stand up for your decisions. " Actually scheduled c-sections aren't recommended anymore because.." "I want to use cloth diapers since.." "My doctor recomments continuing exercising because.." and give her some updated research, statistics, or whatever your doctor says so they realize you know what your doing and you are NOT changing their mind. I think they would be less likely to give their opinion on everything if they realize they dont know best and that it won't sway what your going to do anyways. That sounds so frustrating though... and yeah unfortunately it sounds like they may be the same way after the baby comes. This is what I am afraid my MIL will be like as well...
Oh my. You're scaring me as what's to come with my IL's bc MIL esp. is a little crazy. Sorry, dear, that just sucks. Maybe "kindly" say to them, I appreciate you trying to help (ha...yeah right), but we are going to be just fine figuring things out on our own with our own methods. Or just ignore them, that's what I had to do with my IL's for insane wedding suggestions, I'm sure the pregnancy ones/ child-rearing ones are right around the corner (I'm only 5 weeks). As difficult as it may be, I would try hard not to be too mean to them, as crazy as they may be, you'll probably still want your child to have a good relationship with them, not to mention help from them. When I think my MIL is complete bat shit crazy, I try to remember she did raise DH, and he turned out pretty awesome. *hugs*
Firstly your DH DEF needs to be on board with setting up major boundaries here, in my opinion its his parents so he should be the one doing it. You don't need that stress esp when preggers.
In the mean time, what if you just keep saying "agree to disagree" politely with a smile on your face? They will either eventually get the hint OR it will make things worse but that's when your DH can really step in.
My mom is like that with everything...like she'll compliment something I'm wearing and ask where I got it - if I say Nordstrom, then I get crap about how I should be saving money. If I say old navy, she tells me to splurge on clothes that are more flattering.
I just don't tell her things anymore. I don't give her details so she can't pick them apart and make me feel like crap. My standard response to her criticism is "okay, thanks" then I bring up bring up the reason why I called or change the subject.
Stop telling your ILs things. Just give them vague answers that are truthful. If they probe, change the subject. She doesn't need to know that you were at Zumba, or exactly why you can't meet with them on Friday, or anything that will fuel her fire. I think that in this situation, omission is better than giving her a snotty answer or having to go on the offensive about why you don't appreciate her opinion.
I agree with other bees - i would give her vague answers to questions - like "Not sure, we are still deciding" and completely stop bringing it up yourself.
You are a much bigger person than me. I feel like the first time she says "Stop trying to be the hero" I would reach out and strangle her. Read a book lady... just because most women dont do it, doesnt mean they are doing the right thing.
my MIL takes everything that I'm doing differently than her as a dig that her parenting
To this I would say, "I know when you were raising DH you were doing everything that was shown to be best for babies at that time, but now that it is 20+ years later there are all new kinds of recommendations. So just because we are parenting different then you we really are doing what is best with the knowledge we have just like you did back then."
@ellebeerob: "Also - how do I keep from resenting them over this?! I really really liked them... and then I got pregnant."
I'm so sorry you're going through this - unfortunately I am going through a similar situation with my future in-laws. I totally adored them until FI proposed, and now everything we're planning for the wedding is second-guessed by them.
I hope you are able to work this out - I've taken the "low road" by avoiding them, which I hate, but I need some way to preserve my sanity until this wedding is over.
She's from a different generation. I'm sure she'll come in handy to watch your baby/child in the future. You should explain how your DR loves the Zumba classes... and the rest .. keep it vague like PP have said.
Have you tired having a kitchen talk with just her in the room. Tell her "I love coming over here however I am starting to feel judged and hurt by the words you say to me especially pertaining to the baby. I am really trying to do the best I can, and I know the comments you are making I would normally laugh off but right now I am feeling extremely nervous/scared/hormonal/tired and the things you say to me are not helping me cope with this human growing inside me. I know you have a lot of experience which I no doubt will call upon, but something's we want to try out for ourself. I'd like if you wouldn't make jokes about me or comments about how we will do something with the baby."
Look, parents are annoying sometimes. If you've had a good relationship with them in the past, try to just let it roll off your back. I understand that people offering opinions on your parenting is sure to get your hackles up, but the examples you've given at least are more annoying (and misinformed) than really problematic. Just remember that they are obviously ignorant of modern ideologies when it comes to child rearing and take what they say with a grain of salt.
And when they chime in with opinions on your choices, just have polite blow off phrases ready and available- "Thanks for your input," "I'll definitely look into that,", "We'll see what the future brings", "I know it seems crazy but we want to try it this way for a while," and "DH and I haven't decided yet" are good starting off points.
I really do sympathize, but just try to laugh about it rather than get worked up- there may come a time when you will be thankful there's grandparents so close by, annoying opinions and all.
@strawbs: What if I just think about it all the time but haven't actually done it yet? ;)
Keep it vauge. We don't have kids yet but my ILs have a lot of opinions about career choices and such so I'm getting good practice. Lots of "We haven't decided that yet", "We're taking things as they come", and when they do critizie a choice it's "THing you just said is a good option for some but I discussed with my advisor/doctor/well educated expert and we decided that this is best for my situation". And then smile and nod while they continue. Pretend to agree with them or be considering their idea and then just continue to make my own decisions.
Get on the same page with your husband and make sure he stands up for you. Don't turn into my mother who, after 35 years of marriage and my grandparents (her in-laws) just walking into her house whenever they pleased, changed the locks in a fit of rage and told them to stay the f out of her house unless they were invited. They finally got it.
How annoying. I would definitely avoid "spilling the beans" to them about anything. Say things like, "I'm not sure..." and "Hm, we'll see" if they pry. Otherwise, as with all things in life, if you don't want to hear it, try to avoid discussing your plans.
@cbee: Its just hard because they turn everything into some kind of criticism about the pregnancy or baby. The other night my MIL tried to get me to eat something and I told her no thanks, that I wasn't hungry... that turned into her going on about how I need to quit being vain about my figure and eat something for the baby! I feel like I either need to just avoid them completely or just nod and smile and pretend like I'm agreeing with everything they say.
Oh man. I think setting boundaries with them is important- especially transitioning into parenthood. My favorite book recommendation for all parents to be is "nobody's baby now- reinventing your relationship with your mom and dad".
By telling them the name you chose they (incorrectly) believed that you were telling them because you wanted their opinion. Unfortunately until you have the boundary set with them that sharing your plans is not an invitation for commentary or opinions I would keep your plans to yourself. I'm a very straight forward person so personally I would sit down with your husband (first) to get his support and later with your IL and address the issues to this point.
1) They had kids 25+ years ago and things have changed. While they have valuable experience that you and hubby can draw on please trust that you are under the care of an experienced doctor and that you are preparing by doing a lot of research- research that they haven't done in 25+ years and quite frankly you would appreciate it if they would respect your decsions. If you come to a point where you would like them to weigh in on a decision or choice you will explicitly ask, but quite frankly offering their opinion unsolicited makes it feel like they don't trust you to make adult decisions.
2) You felt disrespected when they dismissed your requests (to keep the name a secret). It is not their responsibility to make sure that the name you select isn't seen as weird. Behaviors like this will just mean that you do not share information with them in the future.
But that is me. My MIL wasn't super pleased when I called her out on behavior that I didn't appreciate but ultimately it helped us to figure out some boundaries and ways of communicating that were equally beneficial.
I am dealing with this more now that LO is born. Sorry, I don't want to scare you but it might get worst unless you shut this down now.
I also get questioned on the way I do things...
My MIL for example...
"Why are you using disposable? Use cloth diapers, I did and it was much cheaper."
"Do not eat chocolate, she is going to be up for hours if you do!"
"Why do you put mittens on her hands? She looks silly"
"Why did you take the bumpers out? Now she is going to bang her head on the sides of the crib.."
"You have to lift the cord up to clean under it and get it all dry."
"Lay her on her stomach, she likes that."
"Give her formula when you want to go out, I did not have a pump so that is what I did."
"Just let her cry-it-out...."
I respond mainly by saying, "Well now a days they want us to do it this way so that is what I am going to do...."
@Cady: That's what I'm afraid of... and I already know I'm going to be insanely protective of our baby and tired to boot (I'm going back to work at 4 months and will have night duty all alone since DH works nights) so the likelihood of me completely snapping on them is high.
@ellebeerob: ok, you can't stop the useless flow of information. you just can't. try changing the subject whenever she says something. make it obvious.
MIL: Zumba??? What's wrong with you.
You: pause pause pause pause. What did you guys make for dinner last night?
As for when baby gets here, you really need DH on board. You need to set boundaries (my 6 month old does not eat popsicles/drink oj/wear disposables) and if they are broken they lose unsupervised access. This is your child and your rules, plain and simple. And if your DH can't get on board then you guys have bigger problems. You are #1 family and his parents are #2.
@ellebeerob: Ugh! Were they always like that? Is that just her personality? My Mum is like that so I keep my distance, unfortunately. Example:
When I got a puppy I read it is good to give them attention when they are calm/ sleepy in their bed- basically whenever they are doing something you want them to do. I remember she was like, "OMG! Stop it! What are you going to do when your baby is sleeping? Go in and wake it up?" (This was years ago- long before I met my husband and way before I was thinking about kids....) It is hard with those personalities. It is like everything I do is somehow a bad idea for some future weird idea she has. I find I either have to stand up to them without making myself upset or laugh at them.
I also wanted to add- my whole family is like this. Their speciality is blurting out extreme opinions (negative) without hearing/ listening/ knowing anything about what they are talking about. DH tells me to just let it in one ear and out the other. Just let it go. It is hard and sometimes I have to step up and say something. I want to work on just not listening!
Yesterday: "Dad, I can't use that crib because it is a drop side."
"Well if it was me I would just use the drop side!"
"Dad, they are banned for safety."
"Whatever! I'll comply with "your rules."' (Ugh! They aren't just MY rules!)
He also thinks car seats are "extreme child abuse." Oh, what we have to deal with!
@ellebeerob: Dear, you know I hate your inlaws almost as much as mine (or maybe more!). We really need to pm or Facebook vent to each other. I'm here for you :) *hugs*
I would respond "I trust my dr (or research) on this topic. Thanks." And cut off/change the convo. that's what we've been doing. And hubby and I are setting up stricter guidelines on when we will be seeing them pre-baby so I don't get overwhelmed by their judgement. 1st get together this week lead to "don't worry about buying a crib, clothes or even a carseat, you won't need it until after the baby is born! That's what we did with dh." Different situation since they adopted him, she could run around and buy things without her ladybits torn apart, and it was 30 years ago, times are different! Hubby knows to limit my contact so I don't snap at them. :) and you know how the 2nd visit went with the name issue. Ill try to comment more later after work.
@cbee: Oh the cribs! I have no children, but my brother and his wife just welcomed their first. My mother can be very opinionated. Of course she means nothing but the best and does it all out of love, but... my SIL does not want her MIL showing her how to pump, by hand. I also warned my mother not to be offended if she didn't want their baby to stay in our old crib when they visit. "But it's perfectly fine!" "I know Mom, but it's her child, and they're banned now, you have to let her make that call."
So if you have siblings or friends, it helps to have them on your side. :) Sometimes having someone else tell you you're crazy makes you see it a little differently. ("Really mom, would you have wanted Dad's mom squeezing your boobs for you when you were only married a few years and with me as a little baby? Probably would have been a little uncomfortable, huh? Besides, insurance covers her pump.")
@MrsDW: Oh my gosh yes! I wish my DH wanted to limit contact with them. He talks to them on the phone probably 10 times a day. I'm glad they already know I get angry if they just pop by the house though, and they usually don't do that.
This is not an in-law problem. This is a husband problem.
MIL only gets away with this because DH lets her. DH needs to start putting her in her place. It's just a fact of life that (most) MILs will listen to their sons more than their DILs.
You should have a conversation with DH explaining that, next time his mother criticises you, *he* needs to step in and defend. If he doesn't, you should not respond, but instead look at your husband, something like that. And you need to make it clear to him that if he doesn't change, then there will be more drastic measures like visiting his parents less often or for less time.
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