Post # 1
Accidentally closed my last thread when trying to reply! Thanks for your responses!
I am not an encore bride, but FI is an encore groom. He has two teens from his previous marriage and we are trying to decide upon the best way to handle telling them we plan to get married. I have a good relationship with both of them, but know it might still be difficult for them to hear and process. My inclination is for him to tell them himself when I am not there so they have a chance to process and react how they want to react. Some background–FI is very much part of their lives: they split their time between him and their mom. However, when the marriage was dissolving, their mother repeatedly told them he was abandoning them, leaving them, rejecting them (not just her) because he wanted to leave the marriage, so they are particularly sensitive to that whole theme. Any advice on how to best approach this (and what to avoid!) both with respect to telling them about the engagement, and throughout the planning process would be much appreciated!
Post # 2
I think that, since you’ve been with FI long enough to build a good relationship with his children, your engagement won’t be a shock to them. I do think it’s a good idea for your FI to speak to them alone first for the initial news and reaction- followed up a day or two later with a talk that includes you. If you’ve already been building a relationship with them and their father is very much part of their lives, this should reinforce the fact that you’re joining their family not stealing their dad. It’s a shame their mom would hurt their feelings out of her own bitterness 🙁 but yours and FIs actions will help make them feel secure enough to know this isn’t true. As for how much to involve them in the planning, I’d gage their desire in wanting to be involved- let them know their input is welcome but being teens they may not be overly interested in wedding planning even if they’re happy for you and their dad. What about including them in a post-wedding family vacation- depending on your finances/ available time off work….. could you do a honeymoon just for you and FI followed a few weeks or month later by a sort-of family-style honeymoon/ trip that includes them as well (even a weekend getaway)?
Post # 3
- Wedding: July 2014 - Sedona Golf Resort
mstrunchbull: with teens there is no good way-no matter what they will feel some kind of way about it especially if mom is in their ear-I know from experience. So I agree he should tell them alone, provide them with a “safe” way to process and definitely include them in the wedding.
I have a teenage daughter and a younger one, they were both included in our ceremony. The officiant even had vows for them to take which included respecting the marriage. As long as they don’t feel like outsiders it will be fine and dont worry the teen years, they won’t last forever.