How to tell my bff?

posted 3 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 3
Member
1302 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Mrs_Juice:  I haven’t been in either of your situations, but I always think being open and honest is best. She is your best friend – she will be happy for you! If your roles were reversed, wouldn’t you be just as happy for her and want her to not feel guilty about sharing the news with you?

Post # 4
doilyMember
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Father's Vineyard Church/ A Touch of Class Banquet Center

@Mrs_Juice:  Believe me, she will want you to tell her to her face. I will say however, don’t take it too personally if she does not act overly thrilled or is ready to gush about it with you. Its those moments that make someone with infertility really feel bad about their situations. It took my husband and I a year to concieve our son and it was like a knife in the gut everytime someone announced it. Not that I wasn’t happy for them and for the new life coming into the world, but it made it that much obvious to me that my uterus was not doing what it was supposed to and it made me feel like I was failing as a woman and a wife. I would tell her and then give her space. When she is ready to talk about it she will come to you! It may be right after you tell her, or it might be a few weeks. Just know that it’s not that she’s NOT happy for you, it’s that her own unhappiness is more apparent right then. Congrats on the pregnancy! I hope you have a healthy and safe 9 months!

Post # 5
Member
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m sure it will sting and she’ll have to fight off twinges of jealousy, but if you two really are BFFs I’m sure she’ll still be happy for you. Just be sensitive when you tell her and ask her whether it’s something she’s comfortable talking about or not. Let her take the lead. Chances are she’ll still be thrilled for you, even if she is sad about her own situation.

When my best friend got married, I was going through a breakup. I was still so, so happy for her and poured myself into planning the parties and being the best MOH I could be. When her mom died, I got engaged shortly after, and she is pouring herself into being MOH and is thrilled for me.

That’s what frieds do – we rejoice in the good for them even if we feel shitty, and we help them when they feel shitty even when we just want to celebrate. I’m sure as long as you’re sensitive to her feelings she will be fine.

Post # 6
Member
738 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

@Mrs_Juice:  We’ve been trying for a few years and I am on my 3rd clomid cycle now so I can definitely relate to your best friend’s situation.  Here’s my perspective.

1.  Tell her in private.  Set aside some time for just the two of you.  Privacy will allow her to process it just with you without other people watching her reaction.

2.  Don’t hesitate in telling her and try not to pity her.  I had a friend recently tell me they were pregnant and saw the pity/regret in their eyes.  I appreciated their compassion but I hated that it took away from their moment.  My situation in no way robs me of my joy for her.

3.  No matter what advice people give you, think about what you know about her and her unique personality and let that guide you.

 

GOod luck!

Post # 8
Member
5460 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

This was me about a year ago.  I have a dear friend who had been trying for about a year, had already done an IUI which resulted in an ectopic pregnancy and had recently experienced a second mc around the time we got pregnant.  I so, so SO did NOT want to tell her.

We went together, to their house, and just told them.  We wanted them to hear it from us, to hear it first, and to go ahead and be upset if they needed to be.  She was.  Her husband was thrilled for us, and I know she really wanted to be.

We all cried.  It was so hard to break her heart, and I can’t imagine how hard it has been for her to watch everyone around her get the one thing she wants more than anything in the world and can’t have.

I have since had the baby.  My friend actually told me around the time I started showing that she couldn’t handle being around me (or any pregnant women, really) because they had ANOTHER loss and she just wasn’t in a good place with everything.  All I could do was respect her wishes, and let her know that I absolutely would never hold that against her.

DD is almost 4 months old now, and my friend and I don’t talk.  DH & I still keep in touch with her husband (DH & her DH are besties) but she still grieves her losses so intensely that she just isn’t ready to be friends right now.  That hurts, but it’s ok because it’s what she needs.  (she is seeing a grief counselor, so this is an issue that she struggles with but is obviously seeking help)

 

OP- I’m not telling you that my friend broke up with me because I got pregnant and she couldn’t to scare you, just sharing my personal experience.  I love and support her, no matter what, and I hope in her own way she feels the same way about me.  I’m sure your friend will be happy for and sad for herself at the same time.  Just tell her that it’s ok if she needs space, or if she wants to cry, or yell, or whatever.  Just be there for her if she wants you to be, and hopefully she’ll get her BFP soon and you guys can enjoy this wonferfully crazy journey together 🙂

Post # 9
Member
584 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Maybe I am just not being understanding enough because I’ve never been in that position, but I don’t know why someone with fertility issues would find someone else’s pregnancy heartbreaking? 

I can understand being jealous, but not really having my feelings hurt in a serious way…

Best wishes for both of you! I hope she is happy for you and that she too becomes pregnant soon and you can enjoy your pregnancies together 🙂

Post # 10
Member
1436 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@Mrs_Juice:  I am in your position. My BFF has been trying for 2.5 years with her hubby. We got preggo on our first cycle with no protection. She knew before hand that we were going to start trying over the summer and I had asked her how she would like to know when I find out if I am. She said however I wanted was fine, but that she would be geniunely happy for me, but not necessarily wanting to talk about it for a while. Completely understandable. I remember when she got engaged, and I had been waiting for my own proposal and I was very happy for her, but very sad at the same time. 

Any who, when I told her she was happy came by and brought me a book (Let’s Panic about Babies). But the convo about it has been minimal, which is fine, I’m sort of in the panicked … what if something goes wrong phase of early pregnancy.

Post # 11
Member
1436 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@PromiseRooster:  I think it is because when you want something so badly and deeply and you can’t have it, and others get it seemingly easy, that it’s hard and makes you feel even more like a “failure” for lack of a better term. Or highlights the absence in your life by not being able to get pregnant/have children.

Post # 12
Member
2441 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

As someone who is facing fertility struggles, I would advise against telling her face to face because there’s a good chance she might feel emotional and cry. She will be happy for you, I promise you that!! But, she might be just overwhelmed with emotion. Infertility is tougher than you think and really plays on your mental and emotional health. 

I also agree with the previous poster who said tell her as early as you feel comfortable and don’t pity her, and please don’t say anything like “don’t worry, you will be next”. That stings because we know we might not be. 

And, congratulations!! 🙂

Post # 13
Member
819 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

@DaneLady:  Not to thread jack, but I just want to say you are an amazing friend for not holding it against her. I think a lot of women would be kind of bitter about their friend not being happy for them just because of their own circumstances, but the fact that you are giving her space and time to grieve on her own (and with a counselor) is very honorable.

Post # 14
Member
2116 posts
Buzzing bee

@Mrs_Juice:  aw yeah that is tough. My cousin was in a similar situation. Three friends, she had children previously but the other two were trying. My cousin decided they want one more to complete their family and in 1 month while her hubby on leave from afganistan BOOM she gets pregnant, then BOOM the second friend gets pregnant. 3rd friend still nothing after trying almost 2 years. Then my cousin has a 7 month old and surprise: she is pregnant again! Unexpected after their planned 3rd child.

Her friendf is still trying and of course is happy for them, but I remember it being avery touchy subject. She told her and her friend started crying, she was genuinly trying to be happy for her but it was hard.

Its not like you did it on purpose to be before her. These things just happen, she will be happy for you but understand if it is hard for her.

 

good luck!

Post # 15
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

First, I wouldn’t tell her that you’ve been trying for only 2 cycles unless she asks, and if she already knows there is no reason to bring it up. Second, as a friend, I would hope she would be excited for you. I know you want another female to tlak to, but even if she is excited for you she may not be the best female to talk to. It can hurt–bad. Just tell her, but I wouldn’t confide every single belly twinge, puking episode, and nursey idea to her at this point.

And congrats by the way. I am 4 weeks as well 🙂

Post # 16
Hostess
3787 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Honestly, I don’t know yet if DH and I have fertility issues but I very VERY much want a baby but we have had to stop TTC for a while. I’ve had two good friends get pregnant and all i can say is “Thank god they lived in other states.” I’m so happy for them, super excited. But I definitely cried with the second one. Now my BFFs are going to start trying this fall/winter and I basically pray to god that they tell me they’re KU in an email so I can process and respond on my own time. Because as happy as I am for them, an in-person announcement would probably make me cry and I’d feel like an asshole. 

 

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