Post # 1
My father and I have a complicated history at best. Abandonment, lies, bullheadedness.
For a long time I did the hanger on thing where the little girl REALLY believes daddy will change.
To make a 25 year story short, I have since decided he is a better buddy than father….and it’s not the “Buddy Buddy Dance”.
But we’re getting along now and he’s making every attempt to be in my good graces, offering money for the wedding (I’m sure it’ll be a cold day in hell and the clouds will melt in heaven…) and texting etc.
But it’s too fucking late, and I think (esp now that my Mom is divorcing her husband who is not an option for back-up dancing, although he’d SOOOO show me up) he thinks he’s all but got the job.
What do you think bees, do I even breech the topic? If he asks, explain to him that we’re forgoing that tradition and hope he just takes it? Explain to him that he blew it but he’s still welcome to attend?
and what about my MIL? Fi is the baby, last to be married off I don’t necessarily want to rob her of this tradition but I refuse to feel awkward on my own wedding day. What do we say to her?
Anyone else been here?? HELP
Post # 3
I did not select any option because my option would be to dance with him anyways.
He might not deserve that dance, but isn’t a wedding about moving forward and moving on towards a life full of bliss with your best friend?
What better way to put your past with your father to rest than to give him this one thing.
Don’t make it something you will regret (because you will).
I’m glad I didn’t.
Post # 4
Just because you dont dance with your dad doesnt mean your Fiance cant dance with his mom. My FI’s mom isnt invited to the wedding (long story…bad history).. he may dance with his grandmom (his mom’s mother) or he may not do that dance at all..but I can still dance with my dad.. thats a different song and different dance..and noone needs to point it out by announcing there is no dance for you and your father.. just have the dj announce that he and his mother are dancing and then move along after that.
Post # 5
@ViaMinorViator: I agree!
You will probably get mixed responses, while it is most agreed that it is YOUR day and you do things as you wish, some Bees may be able to tell you about the regrets they have about taking that idea and running with it.
Weddings are a big deal for families, and it can make and break relationships.
It would seem weird that a man would do all that just for a single Dance…perhaps he has realized all his mistakes and wants a second chance, starting with the Wedding.
Best of luck, at the end of the day, you know your Father and yourself the best!
Post # 6
I agree that I would still do the parent dances even if he hasn’t always been the best father. Sounds like a great way to begin a better relationship moving forward.
You may burn the bridge completely and forever if you deny him that. Just something to think about.
Post # 7
I think it would be extremely telling if he threw a fit over not getting to dance after all of the awful things he’s done to me. My olive branch was letting him come at all. I am technically his only daughter and my step sister ran off and got married in a freakin drive through in Vegas to her military husband
My first memory of this man is him ditching me. He should be happy to be there.
Post # 8
@WILLIAKELLLB: Plenty of people ditch the parent dances altogether for many different reasons. Just let your dad and his mom know that you’ve decided to skip any parent dances because you uncomfortable with the idea.
Post # 9
I would skip the father daughter dance, but still have the mother son dance. You can go around and mingle with guests. Or take the time to freshen up. I have a similar situation with my father just add alcoholism and narcissism. He will walk me down the isle just so he won’t be able to throw a pity party for himself over it. But I won’t be doing a father daughter dance (or any parent dances.) My Fiance and I don’t want to be in the dancing spotlight like that so we are skipping it. Have you asked your Future Mother-In-Law if she wants to have a “all eyes on my son and I” dance? Or maybe she can just cut in at some point in the night on the down low…
Post # 10
I just don’t want to do it–I love my dad but I’ve never been a Daddy’s girl and would feel utterly ridiculous slow dancing to some stupid song with him.
So I told him “Hey Dad, we’re only going to do one of these things–walking me down the aisle or father/daughter dance. Pick one. Hint: we’re not doing the dance.”
He was upset but since he and my mom are not contributing financially, I’m not too bothered. He knows very well that when I make a decision, pouting about it does nothing good.
Post # 11
I think we’ll probably do a joint daughter-father and son-mother dance. That might be an option – so your mother in law gets some of the spotlight as well.. and then switch off to his father and your mother mid song. 🙂
I don’t think I’d forego on the dance just to spite him… although if you don’t want to do it it’s definitely your perogative. Personally I think it’s a little mean to hold something like that over someone’s head, but resentment is a powerful emotion!
Post # 12
I don’t even know why you’d bring this up beforehand. If he asks you to dance at the wedding just say no thanks, don’t make it a huge point to tell him you’re not going to grant him a dance at your wedding. That’s just asking for more drama.
Post # 13
it’s clear you are still really angry at your father, and for valid reasons it sounds.
Personally I don’t think 2 minutes dancing with your Dad while your Fiance dances with his Mom would be so awful, but since you obviously do, then don’t do it. It’s your wedding.
What concerns me more is that unresolved parental issues like this often manifest themselves again towards our partners. I would take some time (after the wedding probably because I’m assuming you’ll be very consumed and busy until that time like all of us brides-to-be) and see a counsellor, therapist to work out your anger and feelings of abandonment.
You owe it to yourself and your husband to clear this up, forgive, and heal. (again, I’m not saying doing the father-daughter dance will do that, maybe standing up for yourself is the best thing you can do)
Post # 14
My goodness are you typing my life? Lol
While I get what some bees are saying about regrets, I for one know that I won’t regret not having the dance. My father and I have a similar relationship (it sounds like) to you and yours, and if that is the case…it’s totally justifiable. I’m not having a dance to smooth over feelings when I will feel awkward and barely tolerate my interactions with him in the first place. It’s just a dance, not like I’m cutting him out completely, so I don’t see where I would have true regrets over a dance. Fiance isn’t doing it either, we aren’t even sure his mother will be able to come. We joke that we’ll have Mother-Daughter and Father-Son dances, but FI’s Dad was basically, “haha, no.”
To answer your actual question, I had to explicitly say, “No, we’re not having those dances.” He was rather irritating about it and I had to say it again. “No. We’re not doing that.” I didn’t go into reasons, though he must be ridiculous if he doesn’t have at least an idea.
Post # 15
we took a very long time in our relationship for him to understand the things that are triggers and he’s quite attentive to those items, and it helps me to not be a raging bitch
@BonbonBunny: It is not to spite him. It is to keep my sanity. It’s about not being fake. I think daddy’s EARN that dance anyone who knows me knows it would be fake. I’m not holding anything above the man’s head. He knows what he’s done…last time he tried to bring it up eve, i shut that down…there is not point in rehashing it. I end up in tears and he magically remembers my mother didn’t bring me (to something i vividly remember he was supposed to pick me up), my grandmother didn’t give me the phone (because the number you gave her was disconnected and she didn’t want to watch me cry) and so on.I agree with @AmeliaBedelia: I don’t feel like that it is something I will regret.
@KatyElle: I’m sure he’ll be expecting this as it is a tradition it’s not like I am just trying to make trouble and warning everyone I am avoiding my idiot cousin.
Post # 16
I would just say that you’re not going father/daughter or mother/son dances. It really doesn’t have to be a hurtful thing…I can understand the resentment, but if you value your relationship the way it is, I wouldn’t explain (unless he really pushes the point).