(Closed) How to tell my dad we’re not dancing

posted 6 years ago in Family
  • poll: What to do about my dad
    Don't bring it up, unless he does : (6 votes)
    19 %
    Just tell him we're skipping that, like it's no big deal : (17 votes)
    53 %
    Explain to him WHY we're skipping that tradition, but he's still welcome to come to the wedding : (3 votes)
    9 %
    Just man up, and tell him we aren't and why. After all he's done...he really oughtta know : (6 votes)
    19 %
  • Post # 3
    868 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    I did not select any option because my option would be to dance with him anyways.

    He might not deserve that dance, but isn’t a wedding about moving forward and moving on towards a life full of bliss with your best friend?

    What better way to put your past with your father to rest than to give him this one thing.

    Don’t make it something you will regret (because you will).

    I’m glad I didn’t.

    Post # 4
    204 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2012

    Just because you dont dance with your dad doesnt mean your Fiance cant dance with his mom.  My FI’s mom isnt invited to the wedding (long story…bad history).. he may dance with his grandmom (his mom’s mother) or he may not do that dance at all..but I can still dance with my dad.. thats a different song and different dance..and noone needs to point it out by announcing there is no dance for you and your father.. just have the dj announce that he and his mother are dancing and then move along after that.

    Post # 5
    7293 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2011

    @ViaMinorViator: I agree!

    You will probably get mixed responses, while it is most agreed that it is YOUR day and you do things as you wish, some Bees may be able to tell you about the regrets they have about taking that idea and running with it.

    Weddings are a big deal for families, and it can make and break relationships.

    It would seem weird that a man would do all that just for a single Dance…perhaps he has realized all his mistakes and wants a second chance, starting with the Wedding.

    Best of luck, at the end of the day, you know your Father and yourself the best!

    Post # 6
    13099 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I agree that I would still do the parent dances even if he hasn’t always been the best father.  Sounds like a great way to begin a better relationship moving forward.

    You may burn the bridge completely and forever if you deny him that.  Just something to think about.

    Post # 8
    1526 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2012

    @WILLIAKELLLB: Plenty of people ditch the parent dances altogether for many different reasons. Just let your dad and his mom know that you’ve decided to skip any parent dances because you uncomfortable with the idea. 

    Post # 9
    65 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I would skip the father daughter dance, but still have the mother son dance. You can go around and mingle with guests. Or take the time to freshen up. I have a similar situation with my father just add alcoholism and narcissism. He will walk me down the isle just so he won’t be able to throw a pity party for himself over it. But I won’t be doing a father daughter dance (or any parent dances.) My Fiance and I don’t want to be in the dancing spotlight like that so we are skipping it. Have you asked your Future Mother-In-Law if she wants to have a “all eyes on my son and I” dance? Or maybe she can just cut in at some point in the night on the down low…

    Post # 10
    705 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    I just don’t want to do it–I love my dad but I’ve never been a Daddy’s girl and would feel utterly ridiculous slow dancing to some stupid song with him.  

    So I told him “Hey Dad, we’re only going to do one of these things–walking me down the aisle or father/daughter dance.  Pick one.  Hint: we’re not doing the dance.”

    He was upset but since he and my mom are not contributing financially, I’m not too bothered.  He knows very well that when I make a decision, pouting about it does nothing good.

    Post # 11
    233 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    I think we’ll probably do a joint daughter-father and son-mother dance.  That might be an option – so your mother in law gets some of the spotlight as well.. and then switch off to his father and your mother mid song.  🙂

    I don’t think I’d forego on the dance just to spite him… although if you don’t want to do it it’s definitely your perogative.  Personally I think it’s a little mean to hold something like that over someone’s head, but resentment is a powerful emotion!

    Post # 12
    9824 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    I don’t even know why you’d bring this up beforehand. If he asks you to dance at the wedding just say no thanks, don’t make it a huge point to tell him you’re not going to grant him a dance at your wedding. That’s just asking for more drama.

    Post # 13
    1238 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    it’s clear you are still really angry at your father, and for valid reasons it sounds.

    Personally I don’t think 2 minutes dancing with your Dad while your Fiance dances with his Mom would be so awful, but since you obviously do, then don’t do it. It’s your wedding. 

    What concerns me more is that unresolved parental issues like this often manifest themselves again towards our partners. I would take some time (after the wedding probably because I’m assuming you’ll be very consumed and busy until that time like all of us brides-to-be) and see a counsellor, therapist to work out your anger and feelings of abandonment. 

    You owe it to yourself and your husband to clear this up, forgive, and heal. (again, I’m not saying doing the father-daughter dance will do that, maybe standing up for yourself is the best thing you can do)


    Post # 14
    6893 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2012

    My goodness are you typing my life? Lol

    While I get what some bees are saying about regrets, I for one know that I won’t regret not having the dance. My father and I have a similar relationship (it sounds like) to you and yours, and if that is the case…it’s totally justifiable. I’m not having a dance to smooth over feelings when I will feel awkward and barely tolerate my interactions with him in the first place. It’s just a dance, not like I’m cutting him out completely, so I don’t see where I would have true regrets over a dance. Fiance isn’t doing it either, we aren’t even sure his mother will be able to come. We joke that we’ll have Mother-Daughter and Father-Son dances, but FI’s Dad was basically, “haha, no.”

    To answer your actual question, I had to explicitly say, “No, we’re not having those dances.” He was rather irritating about it and I had to say it again. “No. We’re not doing that.” I didn’t go into reasons, though he must be ridiculous if he doesn’t have at least an idea.

    Post # 16
    2820 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2013

    I would just say that you’re not going father/daughter or mother/son dances. It really doesn’t have to be a hurtful thing…I can understand the resentment, but if you value your relationship the way it is, I wouldn’t explain (unless he really pushes the point).

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