How to tell my friend she won't be a Bridesmaid?

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
42490 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

MeredithRose:  Generally speaking, you dont tell someone they are not going to be a bridesmaid. You ask those who you `do want to stand with you.

If they have graduated college they are old enough to act like adults even if they are disappointed.

Post # 3
Member
2704 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I would just tell them exactly what you said. You would like to have everyone, but the reality is that you can’t and still want them to be a part of the day. Maybe one or two can do a reading or something.

They will probably be disapointed if they wanted to be a BM, but they shouldn’t make a big deal about it. At the end of the day it’s your choice and your wedding!

Post # 4
Member
2704 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

julies1949:  +1 Completely agree! Unfortunately people are not like that! My brothers girlfriend threw a HUGE fit when I didn’t ask her to be a BM… it caused a big family scene, now she doesn’t talk to me and I don’t get pictures of my niece anymore. (They live 3 provinces away and we see them once a year)

She said it would have been avoided if I just called her and told her she wasn’t going to be a BM… I obviously had NO idea she would be so upset and didn’t think I had to ‘let her down’.

The moral of the story is if you think they’ll be upset, bring it up. People are not as mature as we think they should be sometimes and weddings really do bring out the worst in people.

Post # 5
Member
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

This was posted by another bride recently and the general consensous is you don’t tell someone they are not a bridesmaid. It’s up to the bride to choose, and that’s it. 

I can’t imagine how horrible and awkward I’d feel if my friend sat me down to tell me I’m not a bridesmaid.

I asked who I asked, and said nothing about it to any of my other girlfriends. 

ETA: and if someone wants to throw a fit and not be understanding, that’s on them. Nobody should ever have expectations when it comes to weddings. 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  OMGMrsW2B.
Post # 6
Member
2642 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Why not ask her to do a reading?  It’s not exactly polite to tell someone they aren’t invited/included in something so asking her to do a reading would not only be a good way to include her, but it’d also let her know, indirectly, that she won’t be a bridesmaid.

Post # 7
Member
1847 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

If you choose to say something to them about not being bridesmaids, I absolutely wouldn’t include the stuff about “not wanting to put pressure on them/financial burden/make them drive” because chances are, if they really were wanting to be a bridesmaid, they are MORE than willing to do all of those things for you, so it would kind of be a slap in the face, or just like you are making excuses for not having them. 

I agree with PP about trying to find a different role for them – do you have personal attendants? Readers?  If there isn’t a different role, I probably wouldn’t say anything to them unless they bring it up – and if they do bring it up, you can just say that you needed to limit the number of attendants in the wedding and you hope they understand.

Post # 8
Member
4410 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

E_Lynne615:  +1 to everything you said. 

Post # 9
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

Definitely find a way to include her in a different way – ask her to do a reading or if she’s got a special talent (musically for example) ask her to particpate that way. I wouldn’t talk to her about not being a bmaid unless she starts acting differently or seems upset toward you. 

Post # 10
Member
520 posts
Busy bee

I just went through a similar situation myself.  I have 5 bridesmaids, and had a tough time deciding who to include.  It ended up that there wasn’t room for two of my good friends from college.  I knew there was a small chance they’d expect to be bridesmaids – but overall I didn’t think it would  be a big deal, and if they did expect it, I didn’t think they would be super upset about it.

I thought that sitting them down to explain that they weren’t bridesamids would be dramatic and unecessary, and make them more upset (if they even truly expected to be bridesmaids).  I ended up posting a picture collage on facebook with all of my bridesamids and a note about how excited I am to have close family and friends by my side on our wedding day.  I wanted my two college  friends to know who the bridesmaids were, and I didn’t want my closest college friend to be put in an awkward spot of having to tell them by herself.  So I thought this would be better.

Both my friends were upset.  One tweeted about it, and it was obviously directly toward me.  The second friend told my best college friend that she wished she had been “warned.”  At first I felt really upset and guilty… But I think they would have been unhappy no matter how they found out, since they wanted to be included.  And originally I really thought a conversation about it would have been way too dramatic/uneccesary.

So anyway, on to your question.  If you know your friends expect to be bridesmaids, a conversation about it would probably be a good idea, though maybe not easy.  I told my friend (who tweeted about it) these basic things, in this order: 1. I value our friendship very much, 2. This was a tough decision, and there were other close cousins/friends I wasn’t able to include, 3. I really hope you can help me celebrate the events leading up to and including the wedding, and 4. I couldn’t imagine them without her, or any of my other close friends, whether they were in the bridal party or not.

I know this was super long – I hope it helped! Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
520 posts
Busy bee

I will say, though, that I do not regret the way they found out.  I am more on the side of asking those you’ve decided on, and expecting those who were not asked to be mature enough to understand.  I really thought my two friends would just complain to each other about it, if they were even upset by it.  But since I did find out one of them was upset, I reached out and told her those things above, because they’re true and I still value her friendship a lot!

I don’t think you should have to tell them they aren’t bridesmaids.  But you have to consider your situation, relationship, and their expectations to figure out the best way to handle the situation.  As PPs have suggested, if you do have other opportunities for them all to be involved, (as readers/singers/etc.), that could be a good way to let them know.

Post # 12
Member
6888 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Is  Facebook now requiring people to post identities and photos of their bridal party?  Just tell your BMs not to discuss any of the details of the wedding online, which would be rude in any event. If someone does, you are not totally helpless, just delete the post. 

PPs are correct, it is never proper to let someone know they are NOT invited to do something. 

Post # 13
Member
4760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

What since when are people telling friends they are not BMs?  Who does that?  All these sories of girls getting pissed that they are not BMs is crazy.  

One of my good friends did not have me as a BM and never sat me down to tell me, I just figured it out on my own. I really didn’t dwell on it.  2 years later, she was one of my BMs.  Whatever.

Post # 14
Member
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

MeredithRose:  In my opinion, no one should expect to be a bridesmaid, no matter how close they are to the bride. A friend worth having will understand your reasoning whatever it may be, you don’t need to feel guilty and to be honest, I don’t think you need to explain yourself either.

Post # 15
Member
7203 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

weddingmaven:  Excellent point! Why put it on Facebook at all? And just ask your girls not to post on facebook, “YYAY-AY-AY I’m so happy MeredithRose asked me to be a bridesmaid!!!“. Which is a fair enough reqeust, because no one’s that excited for the bridesmaids.

When I was younger (pre-facebook), and a friend got engaged, I would just gradually work out that I hadn’t been asked to be a bridesmaid. So: don’t apologise to the non-bridesmaids, and keep the makeup of your bridal party off facebook. (Or at least, until the wedding is really close).

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