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Sorry you are having to deal with people like that. That dude was totally rude.
So what I have done when faced with similar questions is say "we are keeping the wedding small just family and close friends". I never ever mention the number of guest. 150 people sounds like a good amount of guest and people will wonder why they weren't 1 of your 150 closest friends.
You will get this question several times before your wedding. Some people will be nice and some people will be nasty about it.
Sorry, best of luck and don't let this guy get you down.
People can be so insensitive! When we got engaged, many people asked if they were invited to the wedding. Talk about awkward... My feeling is that if you have to ask, there is a good chance you are not invited (or you just have poor social skills).
Thankfully, we're having a small wedding, so we are telling those that didn't make the cut that we're having a small family wedding (57 total, including us) and that there are many people we would have loved to invite, but we're limited by the venue.
Unfortunately, there isn't really a good answer for people who insist on making you feel bad for not inviting them. Rather than go into the financial details (and hard reality) of the wedding, perhaps take a lighter tone and say that you and your sweetie are trying to have a smaller wedding or are limited by the venue and that there were many people you were unable to invite. If they press futher, they are just being rude.
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A friend of mine who I've lost touch since she changed jobs, recently wrote to me asking about my wedding plans. She mentioned that she didn't expect to be invited but she was just excited for us. I don't know if she was being partly facetious or was hoping to be invited. I had seen her for the first time several months ago and I had excitedly told her that I was engaged. Before she left for another job, we were friends and I had attended her wedding. But I wasn't intending on inviting them since we had fallen out of touch, we were trying to keep the guest list small, etc. But I decided in the end, that I want to be true to myself and invite the people who I truly want to be at our wedding and not invite people out of a sense of obligation. i wrote back, was vague about my wedding date, and gave her an update on my plans. it was vague enough where it was pretty clear that she wasn't invited but detailed enough where I conveyed some of my excitement and I left it at that. Don't feel bad! Your friends are being presumptuous about expecting to be invited. As a guest to a wedding, I always felt that it was an honor to be invited. If they can't accept your explanation, don't dwell on it. he's not being a cool friend.
This guy is completely out of line. I cannot believe him! It's so rude for him to try to guilt you into inviting him (and why would he want to be at a wedding where he was invited out of guilt?!)! I think you need to NOT invite him, but maybe in the future, avoid disucssing details of the wedding with people who won't be invited. We had to deal with a similar thing (large group of "friends" from college, not all of whom have been invited since we have lost touch/aren't as close with many of them) and the best approach is to just avoid the subject when they are around. Good luck!
I know is always excited to talk wedding but NEXT TIME keep it to yourself! That's the best way to go especially when you're talking to someone you're not inviting. It sucks because you're excited and its nothing to hide but it does prevent a lot of unnecesary stress. When they ask you "how's life? or what's up?" simple "life is good" or "not much" would do.
Agree with the other posters, it's hard but it does help to watch your words around other people who aren't invited. It also helps to avoid saying a specific number of guests. We've been lucky and have only had a few awkward conversations around the wedding. I've been sure to make a quick comment about the venue being small and then switch the topic to a neutral question about something else that interests them. One person pressed a little bit about it fishing for an invitation so I also casually mentioned that it's been an eye-opening experience to pay for everything ourselves. She backed off as soon as she realized we didn't have an endless budget.
One of my friends had the rule of thumb that she would only invite guests that she'd consider treating to a $100 dinner outside of the wedding context. It's a weird way to look at it but it works, especially when you're thinking about people you don't talk to often. If you wouldn't want to do that, or if you know they wouldn't do it for you, don't feel guilty.
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I feel your pain! One of my FI's friends (from HIGH SCHOOL!) called him up after the save the dates went out a few months ago, asking why he didn't get one. Then, at a party he cornered me asking, and I said its small, we can't invite everyone yada yada yada. Now, the wedding is 3 weeks away, and everyone keeps telling us he is showing up- with NO INVITE! Some people just have no class!!!!!
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This is something I found out shortly after getting engaged - if you don't know if you'll be inviting someone, or if you know that you will not be, do NOT volunteer information about your wedding. It ends up being stressful for you that you can't invite them, and they may end up hurt, or show up anyway!
If they ask specific questions, just be as vague as possible. Weddings become a huge part of our lives while we're planning them, but when they ask about it, just try to focus on the other aspects of your life. Work, family, friends, puppies... whatever - there are plenty of people you are inviting that would LOVE to listen to you talk about the wedding (or people on message boards!). Don't talk about it with people who you aren't inviting.
Everyone wants people to be excited about their wedding and just be excited for them, but you've just got to realize that in the back of their head is running "am I invited? am I invited? am I invited?".
don't tell wedding details to people not invited! you're just setting yourself up for trouble... blah
i've been in your situation before -- people asking "what are you doing" and i've told them what i was doing without thinking about it ("researching caterers, how's work going?"). you can't live your life thinking, "omg, he's not invited to the wedding so i can't talk to them at all." it's small talk, no biggie, people know you're getting married, especially if you're on facebook (that's when it's official!). =) i'm sure you would have changed the subject right after had this guy not interjected with his complete rudeness. this guy just took it to the next level and was totally inconsiderate about it. so sorry you've had to deal with this!
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Your "friend" is really rude - and not a very good friend. I can't believe that he would debate with you about an invitation, and try to make you feel bad about not inviting him. We are also having a pretty small wedding (~150), and I have a very large family, so we are only inviting very close friends. I have had a number of people from work, and people that we like but don't really consider friends (like the folks who have the season tickets next to ours at hockey) ask if they are invited.
The easiest thing is just to say "Oh, I'm sorry. You know, there are so many people we would love to be able to invite, but we're trying to keep it small." You don't have to talk about money, or space, or the fact that you have hardly seen someone for years. Anybody with any class will just say (as I did have one coworker do) "Oh, I'm sorry too. I didn't mean to put you on the spot. It's just that we would love to see you married, but of course we understand if you don't have room."
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My first reaction when I read your post is that the friend was being really really rude. It is obvious you are not currently close since you haven't spoken in years so it is truly presumptious of him to think heis invited and then when he finds out he is not to push you on the subject. Who is he to think your invitations are negotiable? Remember it is your decision and you should not be railroaded into inviting someone.
Please don't feel bad- you are doing everything you can to plan great day and accomodate everyone you can while paying for it. You should not have to justify your decisions to an old friend who is out of line and has only recently come into your life again (that too via myspace and im).
I would maybe drop the subject or send an email to him saying so sorry wish we had reconnected earlier but our invitations have already been sent out (althouhg I'm not sure if it were me I would even apologize since you did nothing wrong).
Your friend is being very rude.
I would write back and say that your venue has a limited number of people and that is primarily taken up by family and the wedding party. Say you are sorry he is offended but you are not financially or spacially able to invite him to the wedding. Mention that it was a difficult choice but you have to make compromises with your future husband and you are unable to invite more than a handful of friends between the two of you.
ick how rude of your long lost friend to assume an invite was in the mail!!
i'd second the suggestion of keeping mum about your wedding to anyone else...
but for this cat - simply tell him there is no room - it's the end of the world
hang in there!!
it was rude of your friend to invite himself, but it was also a bit insensitive for you to share your wedding details with him if you were not going to invite him. if you shared this detail with him, it was only natural for him to assume "oh she's telling me about her STDs because she's inviting me, just like i invited her to my wedding!" this obviously does not excuse his behavior but it's understandable that he was hurt and taken aback that you would share details about a wedding that you had no intention of inviting him to. i would reiterate what everyone else said and be careful to NOT share wedding details with random people you have no intention of inviting! but you have been very honest with him so just leave it at that and go enjoy your wedding planning!
I just want to say thank you to everyone who has responded. Your advice has been great. While I did make the mistake of sharing my excitement over wedding details in the case, I learned a valuable lesson to be cautious. I'm sort of glad it happened with this person and not someone I really, REALLY feel obligated to invite.
The hard part definitely is that people are still going to ask how wedding stuff is going and you don't have to volunteer information for that question to come up.
Thanks so much!
People do ask all the time. I think you have to maybe separate the people who are asking to be polite (and that's actually the majority of people who ask) and those who really care. Other than my close friends, I think I know a grand total of two people who really care - one is a girl I work with who is also planning a wedding, and just wants to hear that someone else is having problems, or to hear ideas on how to solve them - and one is a guy I work with who has three daughters in their 20s, and really wants to know what it's going to cost him to get them married.
Of course we want to talk about what we're doing, and tell stories, but if you remember that most of the people who ask "How's the wedding planning going?" are saying it just like they would normally say "How ya doing? They don't really need or want to hear anything other than "Oh, its crazy!" or "It's coming along!"
I've realized that when you get engaged, all kinds of people from your past come out of the woodwork. After adding and adding to my list to accomodate all of these people from my past, I had to say that enough was enough and I had to get a backbone. We're so over our numbers, I'm nervous that we'll be too crowded for our venue - 160 max.
Awww honey that guy is out of line! He cannot force you to invite him to your wedding nor can he impose himself.
I would stick to your guns and not invite him.
I was at a standstill myself about inviting my co-workers. What I ended up doing was telling them that we were just going to have a civil ceremony and a family only reception. I simply stated we are just struggling too much financially.
This has been an interesting post to read! I agree that it's best to not bring up wedding details when talking to those who aren't going to be invited (to the extent that it is possible) and to give vague responses to people who ask about wedding details if you aren't planning to invite them.
It has definitely been awkward in some situations, so I totally feel your frustration! I have a group of friends that I barely see (maybe once or twice a year) and I'm planning to have a pretty small wedding. One person asked me why everything was so hush-hush and why I wasn't excited about the wedding (I didn't even tell them about my engagement until I got together with them several months later)...it was awkward trying to explain why they aren't in the loop on the all the wedding details...because the fact is that I AM SUPER EXCITED ABOUT THE WEDDING, but I only share that excitement with my closest friends and family...
GOOD LUCK CONTINUING TO DEAL WITH THOSE AWKWARD SITUATIONS!
that guy was a complete jerk! boo on him.
honestly, when people have the balls to ask me if they're invited, i just respond truthfully-- i guess it's my way of thinking. "if you're going to ask, expect an answer." i don't like to beat around the bush or make up lies ("oh, i don't know, we haven't finalized the guest list yet..." or "oh, it's family only"), so i tell the answer straight up. *shrug* it may not be the most sensitive way to do it, but it's been working for me.
Oh! The rudeness!
I'm sorry you had to deal with this. We went through this in our initial stages of guest list planning. People I hadn't seen in a year+ were wanting to come and I was shocked! I set the limit at 50 people and have since raised it up to 60 people (I forgot a few key family members, oops!) but obviously 60 people is not including every single person I know. I've been just telling people that because we are paying for our own wedding, on top of our mortgage payments, and regular bills we can't afford to have everyone, and it's family and closest friends only.
No one's given me a hard time, luckily. Hope all works out!
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Well, since it was the guy in the relationship you were talking to I see why it could have happened that way - men don't really deal with a lot of the guest list stress like the woman do, so maybe he's unaware that a lot of cuts were made or he simply doens't remember.
Would they really fly in from Japan for the wedding? That seems a bit extreme to me, if you've just reconnected after several years at least.
I think you did all you could and he was being very insensitive. Maybe try to chat with his wife about the fact you didn't mean to hurt them but you just can't afford to invite everyone. Maybe she will be more sympathetic to the conversation.
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You know, I think that some people really don't want to come to the wedding (thinking about flying all the way from Japan) but are terribly indignant to not be invited. I have had several people respond this way. It's like they are insulted to not be in our "inner circle" (even though they aren't). But in fact I know based on past experience that they seldom show up when we invite them anywhere - to dinner, out for drinks, lunch at the country club - you name it. So I'm pretty sure they would be no-shows for the wedding too.
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I had this situation come up a lot. I just replied (as politely as I could muster) that I have a huge family and our venue is very limited to the number of people we invite. Unfortunately, we have set our guest list and cannot figure out any way to include any more people, which I hate so much, because I would love to have tried to include more of our friends. Our budget is so limited due to (my) being in grad school and with absolutely no help from either of our parents, so we cannot afford change venues and loose deposits! I know you understand!
giving this long response was a PITA but adding the fact you "think" you guys are good friends and can't afford to change venues, then appreciating their understanding before they say anything will keep them from snottily answering back.
Hmmm I see that a lot of posters think its wrong to talk about your wedding to people who aren't invited. I'm curious to know why that is????
Your getting married for Pete's sake, you can sing it from the rooftops if you want to!!! That doesn't mean that everyone you talk about it with is automatically invited. That's totally ludacrous. I've had quite a few people ask me when their getting their invitation (which is WAY rude IMO) and I've told them "sorry, but we're having to pay for a good portion of the wedding ourselves, so we can't add anymore to the guest list." Most people understand, especially in this economy today.
I really don't understand why people think that just cuz you know someone your automatically invited if they mention their wedding....
He should not make you feel guilty about scaling back your budget and guest list! I was completely put off when I read that he said, "Come on! We paid for our wedding...." blah blah blah.
So what, dude!? You're not them. Your situation, as well as the economy, were completely different.
Stand your ground! Let them know you appreciate their support, and reconnecting recently has been fun. But you are keeping it to close family/friends that you've been more connected with recently. (The line has to be drawn somewhere.)
I think that was pretty rude of your friend to expect they were invited and give you a hard time when they weren't. I know everyone does the best they can and you just simply can not invite EVERYONE you know. especially if this is a friend with whom you've just reconnected, I'm surprised that he would be that bold as to call you out on that. If he mentions it to you again, just reiterate your limitations and let it go.
Although, having said that, I talk about the wedding with people who are not invited (coworkers, classmates), so I don't think that you absoultely can't mention the wedding to people who aren't invited. I honestly haven't had any problems with people expecting to be invited because I've talked about the wedding. I always tell people that we're keeping it small, and people have been fine with that.
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So, I just got my save-the-dates sent out this week, yay! I was riding the high of getting something done... when a college friend that I haven't seen for years sends me an instant messege asking what I was doing and I said that I had just finished preparing some STDs.. so he asks me when they'll get theirs! It seemed somewhat in jest but ... what do I say?
I told them the situation... we are paying for the wedding ourselves, fiance is in grad school (so it's mostly me), have determined that we can afford 150 guests and although we'd LOVE to have all of our friends from every part of our life there, we simply can't afford it. It's not personal AT ALL. :(
He was kind of upset. His response was, "Come on! We paid for our wedding when we were in college and only working part time...for more than 150 people!" I felt terrible and cried. It sucked. He said that he wanted to feel like he had the option to come... he also suggested possibly only inviting people to the ceremony and not the reception. It's an outside wedding and I'm renting chairs, so there's still a cost involved for that. :(
The kicker is that I haven't seen these people in years, they're in Japan and we only recently found each other on Facebook. How was it supposed to be on my radar that I should be inviting them? I did attend their wedding so I feel especially bad but we're not close friends. How can they expect me to invite them when I can't even invite people I see all the time?!
Still, I feel awful. I don't think I'm being unreasonable in this case but I feel just terrible. This is only the first person that this is happening with. How do I break these things to people without unleashing all kinds of bridal angst on them? Is it even possible to do it in a way that normal people (ie people that haven't RECENTLY planned/paid for a wedding) will understand?