Post # 1
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for about 1 year and half.
We are going to Greece for Christmas and he said that while we are there, we will talk about our relationship and where it is going. I previously posted that I have a timeline of when I want to be engaged which is by December 2011.
More info about us: Both of us are 34 years old, have full time jobs and both of us will finish law school and graduate programs by Summer 2011.
I need advice of how to talk to my boyfriend that I do have a timeline but somehow say it in a way not for him to freak out. Thank you for your input!
Post # 3
I think the whole point of a timeline is to share it with him. so that way you are both on the same page. I would approach it as this is what I need, this is what I’m thinking, is this possible? So that way he hears what’s bothering you, but he does get to give his input which will probably keep him from freaking out. Good luck!
Post # 4
Hmm. He is clearly already thinking about the relationship since he said he wants to talk about it in Greece.. this makes me wonder 2 things.. 1) why not talk about it before Greece? 2) Maybe he will propose in Greece? Have you talked about marriage before?
My advice would be to just ask him if you can talk about your relationship BEFORE Greece.. and see if you are on the same page about the future. I have never been a fan of timelines (but of course, I didn’t need one, so maybe other Bees can weigh in) – see how he is feeling and if marriage is on his mind, and then go from there. If you want to have kids, that should lend itself a bit more easily to wanting to know if he’s thinking sooner rather than later (“Are you thinking making a commitment in 1 year vs. 5 years?” and see what he says).
I’ll be 33 next month so I know it feels funny to bring up ye old biological clock, but it makes sense.
Post # 5
I agree with Divergirl. I also had a timeline, but it was an “if you don’t propose to me by
I’m proposing to you!”. That kind of motivated him, because proposing to me was something he really wanted to do.
Post # 6
since you’re both 34, I don’t think your timeline is unreasonable. he probably knows that there’s some sort of timeline too which is why i think he said you’ll talk about the relationship on vacation. As long as you’re lighthearted about it when you talk to him I don’t think it’ll freak him out. I wouldn’t give him a full on ultimatium and throw a fit about your timeline, that will drive him away.
Post # 7
@Mary Poppins: I gave the exact same timeline. Ours was a bit longer since we’ve been together since we were 17 (If he didn’t propose by our seven year anniversary he forfeited rights to do the proposing).
I do agree though that if he wants to talk about your relationship in Greece he won’t be freaked out by the timeline discussion and may in fact be proposing.
Post # 8
As someone who got engaged and married 100% because of the enforcement of a timeline I can’t recommend it enough. I know it’s a dirty word in the hive, but it worked for me and DH even admits to this day that we would still be dating right now if it weren’t for my timeline, he just never would have thought about marriage seriously enough to put the wheels in motion. And he thanks me for doing it, even though it wasn’t always sunshine and rainbows, he’s really glad I stood up for myself throughout the process.
I would recommend having a serious talk with your BF. Tell him it’s something you’ve been thinking about for a while and is important to you and feel like he needs to know. Ask for his thoughts on the subject and hopefully he will at least consider where you are coming from. If he’s never brought it up on his own, be prepared for a less than positive reaction but don’t let it get you down. I truly believe most guys don’t even think about marriage or realize why it’s important so the idea is totally foreign if not scary to them.
Post # 9
I highly recommend the biological clock angle. I’ll be 33 next month and a big part of my FI and my “rush” to the alter is due to our ages. We’ve got a finite amount of years ahead of us to have babies, so there’s not a lot of time to dilly dally. There’s certainly not enough time to tip-toe around the idea of marriage. Granted, we both already knew we wanted to marry each other and I’m operating under the assumption that you and your BF are in the same place. The fact that he’s the one who wants to talk about your future is a very good sign.
As women in our thirties, age plays a very significant role in the timing of marriage (if you want to be married before having kids.) If our age can work against us in such a monumental way, by god it can also work for us.
Post # 10
I think that fact that you already have plans to discuss your relationship implies that he’s anticipating discussing where you see this thing going…that would include an ideal timeline. But you also have to recognize that HE probably also has a timeline. I think the best way to address it is to be honest about your wishes, but willing to compromise if that is necessary. There’s a difference between an ideal timeline and an ultimatum. Just make sure you don’t cross that line and I’m sure you’ll be fine.
Post # 11
Well I agree with MissBoston, I would talk to him about your timeline before you head off to Greece for Christmas. If he is considering a proposal, it may ease his nerves. If he isn’t considering a proposal, it may help avoid any “weird” situations while you are there. It is always best to lay it out in the open so he knows where you stand.
I think your timeline is perfectly reasonable given your age, and I applaud your for having the strength to approach him about it.
Post # 12
A timeline is a really great idea! My BF and I had lots of little talks over the course of 18months about where we wanted to be. But obviously you want to get things cracking a lot quicker than that. I think your timeline is not unreasonable! If your keen for kids as soon as your married why not start looking into prenatal health now so that as soon as you are married you can TTC (getting into shape, sorting out hormone health etc etc – if any of that applies to you). And of course with or without him knowing. That will certainly take care of the biological clock while he is sorting out his end! 🙂
Post # 13
Why are you waiting until Greece to talk to him? If your relationship isn’t something you can be honest and open about freely….is this someone you really should be marrying? If the thought of marrying you makes him “freak out” – is it really right? The situation sounds wrong to me.
Post # 14
you should just tell him. if he freaks out then you will know sooner rather than later.