Post # 1
This is a really hard thing for me to admit, and frankly, I’ve never discussed this with anyone, but I’ve been faking my orgasms with my FI for quite some time now. I’ve had a few on occasion, but I’m talking maybe 3 times total.
Let me explain a bit more. We’re long distance and see each other every 3 months or so for about a week at a time, so our opportunities to work on things are limited. We have a completely honest and understanding relationship built on communication, except when it comes to me not being able to orgasm very often during sex. This has always been an issue for me in the past, and I’ve divulged this information to former lovers and received mostly negative, sometimes hurtful, reactions. So, over time, I’ve come to except that this will not be a part of my life. I entered into this relationship with my FI, not thinking it would be any different from the others. I kept my secret to myself and tried to enjoy the sex as much as I could.
I’m feeling now that I know this was the wrong thing to do, but I’m at a loss for how to go about telling him that all along, I’ve been dishonest about something so personal. How does one even begin to explain that? I know he’d be MORE than willing to work on things and do whatever it takes in the, albeit brief, time we get to spend together, but I just dread having to tell him. In case you’re wondering, he does everything right. We do tons of foreplay, he’s very giving, he listens when I communicate with him, and he doesn’t mind using toys and other aids. I just simply have trouble enjoying it as much as I wish I could. I get off very easily on my own, so I know things are working down there. I just want to tell him without crushing him to pieces so we can be in this together, working on everything together.
Any advice? Anyone have a similar issue?
Post # 3
Instead of flat out telling him you are unhappy with what he has been doing, maybe you could “suggest” something new (like after you experiement with something and find out what can get you off).
that way instead of being negative you can be adventurous without hurting any feelings. No more hiding it from here on out! = )
Post # 4
Pardon if this is intrusive…but does a vibrator work for you? You said he likes toys so maybe sometime when you are having sex you can use the vibrator as well and maybe that will help things?
Just an idea to try to make them happen instead of having the awkward conversation. 🙂
Have you tried multiple postions? Some are wayyyy better than others in terms of “closing the deal” if you will.
Finally, during foreplay…can you give him a little guidance as far was what you like? Don’t be afraid to gently mention that that specific thing isn’t quite working and suggest something a little different. Have him mimic what you do when you are alone.
You said the rest of your relationship is excellent which is great, but make sure there really isn’t something missing that could be preventing you from climaxing with him (since you said you can do it on your own just fine). Do either of you struggle with intimacy? Are there other portions of your relationship that you guys could improve on? That may help you get there during sex.
There’s my advice!
Post # 5
@His Barista: That’s a good idea to focus on the positive and move forward from there. That’s a very constructive approach.
A vibrator does work for me, and using it during sex have been the occasions where I’ve actually climaxed. However, without telling him that I pretty much need the vibrators, I don’t take them out every time because it would seem kind of sudden to just one day start pulling them out without stopping if we haven’t discussed the reason behind it, you know?
We’ve tried numerous positions in various places, so it’s really not about that. I’ve just never been able to easily orgasm during sex.
As far as things go that are missing, I mean the whole intimacy thing is hard when you have limited time, and TONS of pressure to kind of “go at it like rabbits while you can” that I’m sure plays into it. It’s really just a bad habit I developed when I was younger and sleeping with people who didn’t care about me. It was easier to fake it than to communicate and figure out the issue.
Post # 6
@sleepyrebel: Like the other fellow bees I personally would go at it in a different manner “dont say I have never gotten an orgasm with you” what he will hear will probably be “you suck that’s why I cant orgasm.”
If I may suggest like the other bees that you bring in toys maybe dressing up sexy lingerie something you enjoy and makes you feel comfortable to the point where you body is relaxed and you might get that burst of explosion.
However, it could be to that since it is a long term relationship you don’t get enough intimate time for him to discover your G-areas.
Would you feel comfortable with allowing him to “eat you out” you might want to try it out after some forplay or in the middle of sex have him go down on you just tell him to be gentle
If you find that arouses you or certain things he does down there with his tongue than say “oh my god keep doing that …that feels good” that gives him a clue . She likes when I do that I will do it more than what I was doing before.
Explore each others body. I am fortunate I have been with my fiance for 9 years (first boyfriend first everything) he satisfies me and I am blessed to orgasm.
Post # 7
It sounds like the long distance part is playing a big role. Take time to relax and know you are with someone who not only cares about you but loves you. It is also important to not let anything in past relationships bother you.
Post # 8
I think you should just come clean. Don’t make it about not being able to climax with HIM. Just let him know that it’s difficult for you to climax and you’ve always been a little self conscious about it. You didn’t want him to think there was something wrong with you so you faked it…not to make him feel better but because you thought that he might think there was something wrong with you. I think if you fully explain the situation, he’ll understand it wasn’t about what he was doing. It might also give him some comfort that you feel safe enough in the relationship to bring it up with him.
It’s very difficult for me to climax without a vibrator (or oral), but I don’t ever fake it. Being open with my SO makes it less awkward when I do reach for the vibrator to help…ummm…finish things up. I think this is a problem a lot of women struggle with and if you have someone who really loves you, he’ll hopefully help to find a solution to the “problem”.
Maybe you could use a vibrating cock ring…just ask him if he’d be willing to try something new and see if it works for y’all. If it does tell him how incredible it was and really play it up. It seems like it would be less weird than pulling out a full out vibrator?
Post # 9
Can you clarify – do you mean you’ve faked it only 3 times? Or had an orgasm only 3 times?
Post # 10
My FI and I had similar issues. Except he knew when things weren’t quite working. Then there would be all this pressure for me to “perform” but he knew it wasn’t real. Your FI may know already. The more I didn’t, the more pressure he felt to do things right. Then there was more pressure on me to orgasm and the more I felt like I was letting him down, and then I just couldn’t orgasm. I think when we put that much focus on the final result we forget that the point is to be intimate and be together and simply just love each other. Finally I just broke down because I couldn’t handle the pressure and we started focusing on each moment rather than the end result. Do I orgasm every single time, no. But more times than not. There’s been a few times that he didn’t. I think it’s normal every now and again. But you have already decided to accept that as “part of your life”. Sometimes we block ourselves. The long distance thing is probably a big factor because there is pressure to go at it like rabbits and take advantage of the moment even if you’re off your game. I wouldn’t tell him it was a problem from the beginning, but maybe tell him that you’ve been feeling pressured and it’s affecting you lately. You can start working from now on. Focus on each moment and the feelings and try to relax. Definitely let him know when he’s getting to the right spot or when he’s focused on the right spot way too long that it’s not the right spot anymore.
Post # 11
I faked it with one ex, and got tired of it, but I never came out and told him I’d been faking it – I just eased off faking it and started giving him pointers. He never asked, I never mentioned it, but the (oral) sex did improve.
Post # 12
I’ve just never been able to easily orgasm during sex.
You know, a very small percentage of women actually orgasm during sex. It wouldn’t be that strange to only be able to do it with a vibrator. I don’t know any of my friends IRL who actually can, so I wouldn’t stress so much.
Just come clean. You’ll feel better, your SO will be glad you were at least honest and stopped the charades. If vibrating works for you, find ways to incorporate it. If he’s getting his, you should get yours 🙂
Post # 13
i think i fall in that percentage that cant- i have honestly never had an the big O strictly from sex. with FI or anyone prior… But that doesnt mean i dont have them 😉 just not physically during the act of sex unless with help from FI or toys – he knows this and that has worked in my benefit- i suggest just straight up telling him, for me it wasnt hard because i’ve never had it happen to me so it wasnt like HE was doing something wrong and i explained that to him. his feelings werent hurt, i think he took it as a challenge 😉
Post # 14
Well considering I’m in the same boat I would say continue to lie but I don’t mind not getting during sex. Plus I mainly do it because I get to a point when I’m done but if I don’t “come” he’ll try to continue until I do. So to avoid the hassle of not enjoying it anymore I fake it to finish.
Post # 15
@Beluga: I’ve only had an orgasm 3 times with him. Sorry if that was unclear.
@beatriz: Thanks for the tips. We really do have an otherwise healthy sexual relationship with plenty of oral, fun outfits, toys, etc. and it still doesn’t happen unfortunately. I wish the issue was with the physical side of things, but I have a feeling I may have trained this behavior into myself and I just associate sex with everything but orgasm.
@rbauzo:Great suggestion, thanks. I think that’s what I’ll do. I may not come out and say I’ve been faking it this whole time, but more that I’m struggling with pressure, and the distance, and other factors that are COMPLETELY true and work from there.
Post # 16
I have NEVER orgasmed during sex!
I’m 30 and have had plenty of experience, but it’s never happened. Close, but not quite. (I can definitely climax easily in other ways – just not at the same time…trust me I’ve tried lots of things to make it happen. Some guys feel like it’s a personal affront to them and think I don’t enjoy sex, so I have to show them that I do…
I was first going to say don’t tell him, but I think if you are totally honest and just say that it has never really happened often for you (without toys) then he would understand. I’m still not sure if it’s a good idea though… Definitely stop faking it and then it might create a conversation naturally.
DH 75% of the time goes down on me before sex, so I “get mine” first. It works out well and we have a great sex life.