How to visit MIL

posted 2 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
2871 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Plan to see her every other weekend. Don’t vocalize that, just start doing it. And alternate where it’s going to be. One weekend at her house, two weeks later at yours. If she bails on showing up at your house, it’s her loss. If she complains she hasn’t seen him in month, gently remind her that you were so sorry she couldn’t come over like you all had previously planned.  If she calls about coming over or having you over inbetween that, tell her “thanks! But we already have other plans. But we’re super excited to see you next week!”

Post # 5
Member
5285 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

eecuadrado:  I have never seen DS be emotional at all while someone was holding him even if it’s someone who he doesn’t see. For example he only met my BIL once (he lives far away) and LOVES him, however when MIL was holding him this Saturday, he started to get sad!!! Not cry but all emotional!! Bottom lip out and all. She gave him back to me and he stopped’  

<br />”Also please know I don’t hate my MIL.”

<br />”UGH every two weeks! lol I don’t know if I can stand that woman twice a month.”<br /><br /><br />Your child can perceive your true feelings for your MIL and react accordingly to her proximity. Relationships with In-laws are often difficult and complicated but we must make our best effort when it’s in our children’s best interest.  Defining and enforcing reasonable boundaries at the same time we promote a healthy relationship between our children and their grandparents and other relatives will contribute to raising a well rounded and emotionally stable individual.

Post # 6
Member
682 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

eecuadrado:  I completely understand, grandparents can sometimes get overly excited/involved especially when it’s a first grandchild. If your schedule allows planning ahead, and since you don’t want to do every weekend, I recommend dedicating a few hours every other weekend for grandma quality time with your DS. I would clearly explain the schedule to her so that you set the boundaries right from the beginning, but at the same time she will feel that she is getting the dedicated one-on-one time. Tell her clearly that it’ll be at your home or yours, her choice, and of course you and your DH will also be present. Every other weekend would be better than once a month which seems not often enough IMHO. It’s truly wonderful for a child to create a loving bond with his extended family, especially grandparents, as they become a support system for both the child as he grows and for you and your DH. 

In terms of your DS becoming emotional when she held him and not when your BIL held him, this is common and does not necessarily mean that he doesn’t like her. It could have been just his mood at the time, the environment you were in with the noise/strange faces at the outlet, etc. As well, for some strange reason, many babies seem to like being held by men, especially if they are tall! Around the 3-5 month mark, babies also start recognising faces/people and many will develop stranger anxiety. This will be to the point that they will only allow their parents/primary caregiver to hold them. They will cry even if someone they see regularly tries to hold them, but will be perfectly happy playing and laughing with that person as long as mummy or daddy is holding them. 

Post # 7
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

eecuadrado:  DH and I agreed privately to not give in to MIL and go over there. And she refused to come to our place. The same woman the pestered me for months never once called and texted and asked if she could come see her grandson. She would wait for events such as Easter, baptism, and DH’s gradnma’s funeral. At the funeral she finally said, “Don’t let it be another month!” I said, “Yeah, don’t let it be another month.” I left the ball in her court.

We just let her say what she says and think what she wants to think. She told us before she left on Sunday that “we need to come see her more often.” Fine. We will let her believe that, but DH and I aren’t going out of our way to make that happen. We have been back and forth there nearly 10 tims since DS was born, and Sunday was her 3rd time visiting us (and one of those 3 times was because he was baptised, otherwise she wouldn’t have come. Plus she showed up late at church).

So make a plan with your DH privately to see your MIL once every two weeks or whatever you want, and switch off who comes to who’s house. If your MIl makes comments that it isn’t enough, just ignore them. I don’t think it will ever be enough for her unless she sees him every day, and that just isn’t reasonable.

 

Post # 8
Member
2047 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

eecuadrado:  I think we’re all in the same boat…. I havent really seen a lot of bee’s who havent complained that their parents or IL’s are always on our cases about “it’s not enough it’s not enough”. DH and I get that all the time and have since we bought our first house and we dont even have a baby in the picture yet (in progress lol). It’s just so overwhelming….I swear we could see them everyday and they would still find a way to figure out how to say it “wasn’t enough”!

I get it… parents miss having their kids around when they grow up and move on with their lives but come on…. constant guilt!

I know my FIL is going to be exactly like your MIL so my plan is to drop hints to my MIL (because she can be reasoned with) about “things we plan on doing when the baby is here…and maybe some mommy and me groups/activities that are on WEEKENDS etc…” just to let her know/plant the seed….”WE’RE NOT GOING TO BE AVAILABLE EVERY WEEKEND” without actually saying it directly/outloud. This past sunday we had dinner with them and at one point it was just MIL and SIL (DH & FIL were in the garage) I was dropping ALL KINDSA bombs about the birth and how I “had to speak to my mom to let her know they will be welcome 2 weeks after the baby because we want some privacy…” etc…. just so she doesnt build up any personal expectations about coming over everyday…. (if she does bring it up I can say….remember the convo we had and I was telling you about how I was getting my own mom to wait?)

I dont want to directly address anything because they WILL freak out and get defensive claiming they havent “done” anything yet so why are we putting up all these rules…. but at least if I lay the groundwork and creatively tell MIL & SIL how things will be at least they cant say “well I thought this and that”….actually NO, I did tell you. The whole idea of “oh….my friend has a question…no really its not for me, its for my friend…” lol. So Im making up fake scenarios with “my mom” so I can use it as an example: “ya I was talking to mom and shes going a little crazy and wants to do ____ and ____, I simply had to tell her NO and she needs to chill”…..MIL: oh really?

Post # 9
Member
2047 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

adding to this…..Im “planning” on having us visit every second weekend…. whether its our place or theirs I dont care but definatly not every weekend

Post # 11
Member
2330 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

eecuadrado:  I was talking a friend of mine about a similar situation involving her son and MIL. Make sure you stay firm on what you want…only see her when you want to, not when she demands it.

My friend has learnt to be firm with her MIL and they do spend time with her, but it’s on their terms. My friend’S MIL gets her other grandsons whenever she asks for them because their mum (her other DIL) is too afraid to say no. 

I think every other weekend is reasonable enough, but if that means that the opposing every other weekend you are seeing other ILs leaving you with no free time to just be a family of a weekend then you may need to rethink it. Yes, it is important to see ILs, but if it takes away from your time as a family (you, DH and DS) then that needs to be thought of too. 

Post # 13
Member
431 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

 

eecuadrado:  If you and your husband both work throughout the week, once a month (or less!) is plenty to travel and visit your MIL. I disagree with other PPs who say once every other week is “reasonable”. The weekends, as you insinuated, can be used to spend time together as a family, bond with your baby, and by golly, just get time to yourselves. My sister is a 8 hour drive away, and we get to see my niece and nephew once every few months. It’s hard, but we deal (“we” includes the grandmother of my sister’s kids). Your MIL can deal, too.

Post # 15
Member
2330 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

My DH’s uncle and his wife had a baby about 17 months ago. They live 5 hours away from his mum (DHs Granny) so she only gets to see her granddaughter approximately every 3 months or so, sometimes longer. 

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