Post # 1
On a lot of posts, particularly many of the common “big issues” I realize that a good deal of my opinion comes from my attitude towards tradition in general. Proposals and rings, name changes, living together pre-engagement. Also the little things like bouquet tosses and invitiations. For me, it almost always comes back to a general guiding mindset and not something specific to the topic at hand.
Because it’s Friday and I feel chatty (and because there’s such a diverse set of backgrounds and opinions here), my question is how traditional do you consider yourself? How is this affecting your wedding/marriage planning? Or are you very modern or unconventional in terms of your general attitudes but still having a traditional wedding? Or maybe vice versa?? Do you have similar views to your partner?
Also there is a poll because they are fun (and because I’m curious about the distribution ’round these parts).
Post # 3
I am somewhere between some-what and very-non traditional. I could never propose to my SO, and I want to wear white/ivory on my wedding day. But beyond that, I don’t care much about any other wedding tradtions.
Post # 4
I’m the farthest thing from tradional that you can get probably. Nothing about my ceremony is going to be the traditional lines. From a black/red dress to gothic metal music at the reception. Not an ouce of normal stuff there.
Post # 5
I find that I am very traditional with a modern twist. I am having a traditional wedding to a guy I have never lived with. Before he proposed he did ask for my parents permission. My dad is walking me down the aisle, I am having a blusher veil. We are also doing to bouquet and garter toss and are changing for our last dance as well. I like to cook and in that respect I fall into a traditional role in our relationship as well, however I do have an education and work hard and even make more money than FI. I run the money and things like that so I’m not submissive in a traditional role, but at the same time I do want to be a stay at home parent.
Post # 6
I think I am very traditional, and FI is mostly on the same page. We live together, that’s just abut the only thing.
The wedding is a perfect reflection of that. he asked my dad for my hand, getting married in my hometown in my family’s church, wearing a big white dress and my mom’s blusher/veil, registered for china and all the usual suspects, taking his name, etc etc etc.
I love it. I am of the opinion that some of these things are traditions for a reason.
Post # 7
This is a fun question and will really be a get-to-know-your-bees post, I bet.
I am pretty traditional in a lot ways – ettiquette is really important to me, my FH asked my dad for his blessing to marry me, I am having my dad walk me down the aisle, I am wearing a white dress and a blusher, I am changing my name, I really want to be a mom, etc.
But, in all the important ways, I am totally non-traditional – we are having a very non-religious outdoor ceremony, we lived together for 5+ years before getting married and bought a house together 2 years ago, we are staying together the night before the wedding (I don’t think I would be able to sleep otherwise!), we are not having a bouquet toss/garter/cake/attendants, and I am a very equal partner in our home – professional career, shared housework, etc.
Post # 8
I am a lot more traditional than I thought, but I only cared about the traditions I was aware of, so it never occured to me that white shoes were traditional. wedding day midge always wore the pink ones that I glued glitter on to. lol. I always thought of myself as pretty modern, but my grandma sent me a card the other day addressed to Mrs. (my husban’s name) and I loved it. except he didn’t see the mes poart and opened it lol.
Post # 9
I think I am pretty traditional and my husband is very…NOT. I can still remember the record-scratching moment when he told me he doesn’t “do Christmas” almost eight years ago like it was yesterday. Over the years, our occasionally oppositional views on tradition have helped us figure out what is actually important to us vs. what were raised to believe is important.
Post # 10
SO and I are a weird mix of tradition. We’re gay, and she blurs all kinds of gender roles. So that is pretty non-traditional. Our ceremony will be very non-traditional, because let’s be blunt here – it’s not a legal marriage- no officiant needed. (of course, if given the option, I’d walk across broken glass for a legal marriage, traditional ceremony, and an officiant).
However, in talking about our wedding, there are many traditional aspects we adore- I want a white, long dress and a bouquet of flowers. We want a “traditional” reception/party complete with matching decor, lovely catering, booze, music, and a dance floor. We don’t like cakes/cake cutting, garter belts, assigned seating, first dance, no fathers walking down the aisle and a few other things. We’re definitely mixing and matching.
Post # 11
@septcabride: Thanks! 🙂 I was hoping it would be an interesting and mostly just fun to share.
I suppose I should answer my own question – I’m of the “traditions should be subverted or ignored” mindset, my fiance is pretty unconventional (he wants us to walk down the aisle together, which I LOVE) but occasionally he cares about stuff that makes me go :. I compromised on the traditional/gender-split wedding party, surprised myself by how much I liked having a (non-diamond, albeit) engagement ring, may compromise on the vows, refuse to compromise on the name change. It’s weird because he’s very modern/unconventional in a lot of ways, but occasionally cares about stuff. Sometimes it catches me off guard.
ETA: forgot the funnniest story about this! He wanted to ask my dad for permission to get engaged (even though we had no proposal… that’s my adorably inconsistent boy). I caved and let him, but my Dad knows his daughter well. His answer was “Why the hell are you asking me? She does what she wants.”
Post # 12
I think I’m in between (I know how generic of an answer lol). For example I’m “modern/nontraditional” in that my FI and I live together, we have written our own ceremony (not just vows the whole thing), his brother is marrying us, I hate traditional wedding cakes so we are doing a funky design, I have a bridesman – who’s gay lol, our wedding chairs are black not white (i don’t know why this was so important to me, I just don’t like the white chairs lol)… There’s tons of others but I can’t think of them right now lol
I’m traditional in that I look forward to taking his name and starting out own little family (with dogs not children lol), I’m wearing a white ballgown that I LOVE (when else am I going to have an excise to wear a ballgown?!), I love that I have an engagement and this is no offense to anyone who doesn’t have one/want one, but I would be HIGHLY disappointed if he didn’t give me one just because I think it’s something that’s special. My parents are paying for a good chunk of the wedding, his parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner.
Post # 13
I would say with our wedding, on a scale of 1-10, I was an 8 in terms of traditional. Even though my dad didn’t walk me down the aisle, a man still gave me away (my brother). We had a pretty conventional, religious ceremony. Our reception was brunch so that was a little unconventional, and we didn’t have the bouquet or garter tosses, but it felt very traditional wedding. We had toasts, cut the cake, I wore a white dress, etc.
I would like to say our marriage is pretty nontraditional. We consider ourselves equal partners and thus far we both do things equally in the household. However, I can’t say that gender norms don’t play a role in how we live our lives. I also feel like, by virtue of the fact that we are a young couple that decided to get married instead of living together indefinitely, we appear traditional.
Something interesting that this brought to my mind – its so nice that once you are married, how traditional you are suddenly is only YOUR business, for the most part! During wedding planning, friends and family are so quick to evaluate your choices, but I feel like now that we are married, our decisions about how we will conduct our life together are much more private. Of course, once you have kids, you open yourself up to criticism once again!
Post # 14
@Pinot Noir: Double-posting and thread-hogging (is it less rude if I started the thread??) here, but I am really interested in what same-sex couples do regarding tradition and gender roles, because a lot of things do end up being totally different issues and decisions in same-sex marriages and weddings.
One of the things I personally really have trouble tradition-wise with is dealing with gender roles and expecations in an opposite-sex marriage. I’m a bisexual woman marrying a man and it just feels like things fit into certain expectations which are not who I am or want to be. I think maybe it exacerbates the friction the issue causes because he knows my greatest reservation with getting married is not about him as a person, but not being sure I want a “him” in the first place.
Post # 15
I am fairly modern and untraditional. Living together with FI for 5 years, we own a house together, will be staying together the night before the wedding, we started planning our wedding before we were “officially” engaged, and everything I own is modern and streamlined.
My wedding is very modern; however, it consists of a lot of the traditional wedding elements: white dress, veil, dad walking daughter down the aisle, parent dances, bouquet toss etc. However, we are putting our personal twists on everything. For example, I am playing “Move Bitch” by ludacris as my bouquet toss song, FI is doing a hammed up hockey garter toss and FI will be dancing to the chicken dance as his mother/son dance.
Post # 16
@roxy821: I am the same way, and our wedding will be that way too, except we aren’t changing before we leave. The most none traditional thing I am doing with my wedding is wearing a fascinator with a little bit of feather action (maybe). We are so excited to finally live together!!