How verbally affirming is your spouse? Trying to gauge expectations

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 15
Member
1024 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

  oracle:  FI is actually more verbally affectionate with me than he was in the beginning. When we moved in together a year and a half ago it started being more frequent than when we weren’t living together, but within the last year he has been increasingly more verbally affectionate. He is always telling me he loves me, that I look beautiful (other words he uses: gorgeous, amazing, sexy, pretty, etc) quite a few times a day. I couldn’t ask for more – I love hearing it!

In your situation, I don’t know what exactly I would do. I might mention it but that is me and my relationship and communication style….it may not be yours. Since I don’ know how your relatinoship runs and how commucation is between you two, I  would start (like others have stated) saying “I love when you tell me I’m pretty…etc.” when he does say it. Maybe it will make him think about it a little more.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by  NicoleLyn1218.
Post # 3
Member
2116 posts
Buzzing bee

@oracle:  SO is very verbal about how much he loves me daily, but I suppose he doesn’t tell me how pretty/beautiful i am daily. He tells me when i get dressed up and if i happen to send him a random picture over the work week.

I think if this is something that you really crave, then you should bring it up to SO. It is about what you need personally in your relationship, not what we need/what. Everyone is different.

I know it will feel weird to bring up, but this is apart of choosing someone to spend your life with. You should feel comfortable bringing up your wants and needs in a relationship. I am sure he wants to keep you happy, just doesn’t realize that you need a little more.

You could try to be subtle and really going ga-ga when he gives you a compliment and say things like “I love when you tell me im pretty” or “i love being told im the most special girl in the world” but I am not sure that will work, guys aren’t always the best on picking up hints lol. You may benefit more from being direct.

 

Post # 4
Member
343 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@oracle:  Have you and your SO ever taken the “love language” quiz? There are 4 types of love languages: Words, Acts, Gifts, and Time. You are “words of affection” and so am I. Find a website and the 2 of you take the quiz. It is very cool to determine what language you are and how to “communicate” it with each other. It really help him understand why I tell him “I love you” ALL the time. 

Words of Affirmation: Verbal communication

Acts of Love: taking out the trash, picking up the yard, sex

Gifts: Small gifts to show you care

Time: Spending quality time with each other 

 

Post # 5
Member
222 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Christmas Tree Farm

H compliments me frequently. It’s very natural for him, and he makes sure to tell me I’m gorgeous/beautiful/etc at least once each day. Usually more than once. He looks at me like he can’t believe I’m real. Even with how often he compliments me, I melt every stinkin’ time.

That being said, I wouldn’t recommend comparing your H to other men. He’s not a mind reader, and it’s important to tell him what you need from him. He is who he is and without feedback from you he can only show you he cares in the ways he knows. If it’s important to you that he vocalizes those thoughts to you, tell him.

Post # 6
Member
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Honestly, I found myself having to “fish” a little more over the years we’ve been together for the kind of carnal, “you’re beautiful” type compliments you’re talking about.  Those were more plentiful in the very beginning, but they’ve been replaced with many more internal-type compliments the longer we’ve been together (I appreciate you, you’re so hardworking, etc.)  The exception is when I dress up for a formal event, he almost always compliments my outfit.  

I think this is normal in a relationship, but if that’s what you want/need, ask for it!!  I also second the PP who mentioned the Love Languages book – we took the quiz in the back and it was actually really helpful.

Post # 9
Member
450 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

My SO has never been very verbally affectionate. The most I get out of him is “I love you”. I went to my brother’s wedding last weekend and everyone was telling me how beautiful I looked. When SO showed up to the wedding I told him he looked nice and he didn’t even comment on how I looked… I hit him up about it after we got home and he told me that I knew I looked beautiful so I didn’t need to hear it from him. He said that I’ve always known that he doesn’t know how to express himself.

It sounds to me like you do get a fair amount of verbal affirmation, but if you do feel like you need more I don’t see the harm in letting him know. Although, if he is anything like my SO, don’t be disappointed if you don’t see a change.

Post # 10
Member
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@oracle:  I think the desire is totally realistic, sometimes boys just need a little help 🙂  I would talk to him about it first, then if he does it, give positive reinforcement, thanks, big kiss, etc.  What works best for me has been a very simple, concrete request that is easy to understand (“Could you tell me I’m gorgeous more often?  That would make me so happy!”)

Post # 11
Member
3077 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

My FI is pretty affirming. I get complimented on how I look probably 3-4 times a week, maybe more. I don’t pay attention because that’s not one of my love languages and I barely hear it sometimes lol She’s also a female so she’s more complimentary. She tells me how much she loves me every day though. & if either of us is feeling mushy or needy, I can tell her exactly what I want to hear. “baby, you love me right?” etc

I think all that’s really necessary is a conversation.

Post # 12
Member
3960 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@oracle:   My FI isn’t at all verbally affirming.  He is fabulous at acts of love.  Reading about love languages really helped me to accept the individuality of the expression of love.  

Post # 13
Hostess
3787 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

My husband is pretty verbally affectionate, but he doesn’t say the type of carnal things you describe. It’s common though for me to walk into the room and him say “Hey beautiful” or refer to me as his “lovely wife.” He’s much more of a task guy though, and since my love language is touch, he’s pretty great about that too. 

Post # 14
Member
7271 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

DH is extremely verbally affectionate with me. He tells me multiple times a day that I’m pretty/sexy/etc. it’s one of the things I really appreciate about him. It just comes natural to him, I’m not sure if it’s something that can be learned. I don’t think your expectations/wants are too high.

Post # 15
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

My DH is learning to be much more affirming because I told him that words were one of my top love languages. He’s trying so hard, it is really cute. At the same time I’m also learning to be a better wife to him in areas he needs the most loving. 

I don’t think my DH will ever be able to say the mushiest things, but I do give him a LOT of brownie points for whenever he tries – even if the stuff he says at first is weird. If he’s sticking his neck out, the last thing he needs to hear is rejection. So I think you can start the conversation – not in email by the way, in person – by telling him what you already love that he does, and then show him every now and then what you’d like to hear. 

I’m also sometimes sneaky by kind of seeding the conversation. Sometimes I will be like, “am I not the most amazing woman you’ve ever known?” but in a more fun, teasing kind of way. He will roll his eyes but he’ll pick up on the language and learn to use it in the future. 

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors