- 2 years ago
- Wedding: June 2014
This isn’t the first and surely won’t be the last time I have a weird interaction with my FMIL. I’m just very put off and confused by what she did and I can’t figure out how or if I should respond.
A little background, my FMIL feels “forced to attend” our cruise destination wedding. See the old post if you want more details: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/forced-to-attend-wedding-fmil-rant-long/#axzz32CIbrEvd Long story short: My ILs decided to go on their first cruise and scheduled it for Oct 2013 (they loved it!). I was stressing out about wedding details, costs , and basically said my family has passports, his family has passports let’s cruise and be done. We booked the wedding cruise Jan 2013 for a June 2014 wedding. I knew it might be a little tight money and leave-wise, but I was hoping that with enough notice they would work it out in order to be there with their son and grandson, after all I wasn’t going to do a third year of engagement. Lots of months of whispers later and the “forced to attend” comment came out, and eventually several more months (Nov 2013) she directly told me that she didn’t think the family would make it because of health issues for traveling.
In the meantime, I graciously accepted and tried not to mention the wedding at all unless they brought it up. Eventually, FI and I decided we wanted to have a private stateside courthouse legal wedding and decided since his parents wouldn’t be with us on the cruise we thought it would be a nice gesture to open that opportunity up to our parents. And we chose our church instead of the courthouse so that we could get a weekend time to not conflict with the work week.
So Sunday, I go over to her house to celebrate her birthday and she and my FI are sitting around talking about general stuff since I haven’t seen her in a few months. So we’re talking about the June legal stateside wedding, the cruise destination wedding a few days later, and our short sale that’s taking FOREVER to close. Eventually she starts telling this story about how with her wedding she paid for several of her ILs to attend because it was across the country. I respond with the “that’s nice that you could do that for them to make sure everyone is there” (smile). Then she changes the subject to talking about how she, FFIL and FSIL are going on a cruise 2015 and how excited they are. I respond with “oh wow, that’s great I hope you have a good time” (smile).
Inside me I’m trying to figure out what type of passive aggressive bull-ish is this? Is she just making conversation without realizing how it would make me feel? Wow, you aren’t even coming to your son’s wedding but you’ll tell me about your wonderful vacation you have planned the following year also a cruise. Oh and leave isn’t an issue because my FFIL is sitting on 3 months of leave, and FMIL gets 2 weeks every Jan. What happened to “feeling forced to attend”? What happened to health issues for not traveling? If you can make this upcoming cruise in 2015 then why did we go through the process of getting married in the church so you could be there? Is she asking us to pay for her to come? Really, in the midst of hopefully closing on our house any day now you want us to put out money because now you want to come? You know we leave in like 30 days, is there even a cabin available? Wait a minute, my parents have been bugging me for months/years about why his parents aren’t attending, how weird they find it, and I finally got them to stop asking when I said “health issues”. Please tell me she’s not going to open her mouth and say that to them and open up a new can of worms. Does she even have a clue what type of wedge she would form between my parents and her family if she did say that? When did your child become an option rather than a priority to be there for a major life event?
I can’t figure out how I feel about this, let alone if I addressed this appropriately. I’m all over the place emotionally with this and honestly, between the legal ceremony, the cruise, the house, and work, I’m maxed out on stress to even try to handle this with grace for now and our future dealings.
FI’s standpoint is “poor planning on their part doesn’t constitute an emergency on ours”. They knew for over 18 months, they complained about not wanting to come, leave is not an issue, and it’s only now that FMIL is getting people asking if she’s going to attend the cruise and she’s feeling bad that she’s recreating the wedge she had with her husband’s family. “We’re not going to move mountains to make her happy, the time for planning is over. She made her bed, she gets to lay it in!” And he didn’t want his family there anyway since “they’d just screw things up”.
Was my non-engaging brush off and smile a good enough reaction? I know sometimes I ignore rather than being overly agreesive, confronting, and standing up for myself.