Post # 1
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 40 years. Like all married couples, we have had our ups and downs, but we have a good marriage. We have two children and five grandchildren.
I wouldn’t change anything, except I never had an engagement ring. My husband has bought jewelry for me over the years, but never what I really want — a diamond ring.
I have hinted to him over the last few years, left jewelry store catalogs and enlisted my sister-in-law to TELL him. He can afford it. But he just won’t buy one for me.
He has been financially helpful to our children and is generous to charity. But when it comes to this, it’s becoming clear that he thinks I am just not worth it. I feel unloved and deeply hurt. It seems my needs always come last, and this is just one more. Any comments? — DISENGAGED IN FLORIDA
Post # 2
I do not know what other jewellery he has gotten her, so that makes it a tiny bit more difficult. I wonder if there are other things that are making her feel unhappy in addition to this.
She could buy herself one, but I do not think it would feel the same. I wonder if she would accept another gemstone or Moissanite.
Post # 3
ABBY:@Schrodingers-Car: I think it’s time to be blunt with your husband. The little hints and tricks have not worked, and some men ( especially old-fashioned) are just not to equipped to read the Morse code of us women. Tell him you are taking me to try out engagement rings today. don’t ask. Just tell him that’s what you two are doing. 40+ years 2 kids 5 grandbabies I say you more than deserve that ring and by god he will get you the ring of your dreams! I too had to do this as my FI was dragging feet, and less than a month i have a beautiful ring! He just needs a small fire lit up his rear end. So get a manicure and start working out that finger to house that new engagement ring coming your way
Post # 4
kaity.velazquez: I agree with you!
DA told her to buy it herself, and that diamonds are overrated :-/
Post # 5
Schrodingers-Car: Dear Disengaged in Florida Leaving this issue aside, how is your relationship with your husband? Do you feel loved by him? Do you love him? Is he kind, caring, compassionate? Has he looked after you and out for you over the years? Is this issue a deal breaker for you?
Diamonds have been given a status in our society that does not relate to their real value at all. Clearly you have bought into the pressure from the diamond industry that the only true symbol of love is a diamond. “Give her what she is waiting for… A symbol of forever”.
I see two choices for you. You can sit him down and tell him straight out that you want him to buy you a diamond ring. He may very well do that. But, do you think you would feel satisfied ? Or, do you think you would be saying to yourself (and likely others) “He only bought it because I made him”.
Or, you could go out and buy yourself the diamond ring of your dreams. You will then still be left with two choices. Let the issue go. Or continue to resent the fact that your husband didn’t buy it for you.
ps I know Abby would never be so wordy.
Post # 6
julies1949: It is a difficult one. I think that this is only one of other issues making her feel this way. Perhaps this is the tangible sign of these other issues.
LOL, true about Abby’s answers being quite condensed.
Post # 7
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
You want a diamond ring and it seems you can afford it, buy it for yourself or straight up ask your husband to buy you a diamond ring. Maybe now is a good year to celebrate your years together with a diamond and by renewing your vows to each other.
Post # 8
Lol! this post is awesome by the way!—answering as myself I disagree with the diamonds being a symbol that’s overrated. This is important to you, it’s obviously been an issue for 40 years. I am almost 99% percent sure your husband had no clue. Relationships are a lot of work and requires us to be selfless, sometimes we have to do what our SO wants because we love them and all we want to do is make them happy 🙂 He needs to see how important this is to you. Communication is key, My FI loves buying cars and fixing them up and reselling them, It’s a pain in the rear, but he absolutely loves it and he makes money on the side on top of working full time. Even tho I have to sit and watch the boys alone sometimes it’s worth it knowing he is doing something he loves. Goodluck hunny!
Post # 9
Dear Disengaged in Florida,
After 40+ years of marriage, 2 kids, and 5 grandkids, you should feel comfortable enough to tell your husband exactly what you want without having to play games. Many couples who are not yet married go to the jewelry store together to pick out a ring. Unless you want the ring to be a surprise, there’s no reason that you couldn’t make a visit to the jewelry store to select a ring together part of a date night. If you don’t have a regular date night, START! This alone will help you feel less disengaged.
I will say, however, if you do want to have the ring be a surprise, the surprise will most likely be that you never get an engagement ring. After 40+ years, an engagement ring probably is not even crossing your husband’s mind even with all the hints. You are already married, and I’m certain he doesn’t see the point of an engagement ring at this stage of the game.
Stop the games… If he hasn’t gotten the hints, you need to come right out and tell him that you want him to buy you an engagement ring. But let’s be honest… It’s not just the ring that you want. You actually want him to let you know that he’d marry you all over again. And if that’s what you really want, an engagement ring is not going to fill that need as much as the regular date nights will.
Post # 10
I have to agree with DA in that she ought to tell him that is what they are shopping for. Take him to various stores, try on rings and decide on one together. Leave the ridiculous sentimentality that he has to buy it FOR you without you seeing it first behind; after 40 years you ought to know he won’t do that. He might very well think it is just not applicable after so long and cannot believe she seriously wants it. Her being clear and taking control of the situation will get her what she wants, and he might even get more engaged in the process than she thinks.
Post # 11
Definitely overrated. I was engaged without a ring – we were poor college students. I don’t wear stone rings, on a daily basis, but my grandmother insisted on giving hubby to be her engagement ring to give me, which she could no longer wear, because of arthritis. I made sure to wear it during our engagement, and whenever she was around, but that’s about it. I got a beautiful marquise cubic zirconia, the Xmas after our first daughter was born. He got me a 3-stone, diamond anniversary ring, as a total surprise, for our 25th. I only wear it when I get dressed up. I’m not the kind of person who needs validation of her relationship through the purchase and wearing of expensive pieces of jewelry. (He did buy me a house at the shore, though).
Post # 12
I think she needs to go the jewelry store and just buy a darn ring!