Post # 1
Okay, here’s my situation. My Fiance and I are getting married this year in Hawaii. He is paying for the majority of the wedding but my parents will be paying for certain things because they offered. His parents, however, are not paying for anything. I gave both sets of parents an opportunity (at the same time) to help pay for certain things and my parents were the only ones who offered and they also offered to throw us a party after everyone gets back from Hawaii. Should I be offended that they have not offered to help pay for anything? They say if we need help, then just ask. They’ve had four chances to say that they would help. The first time was the meeting with the parents, the second time my Fiance sent an email to see if they wanted to help with the party, the third time they were asked directly and they said they would think about it and the fourth time they said if we wanted them to help they would, but they thought my parents were the ones who would be throwing us the party. The reason I’m asking is because his sister was married a few years ago and they actually refinanced their house just to pay for her wedding (probably around $60,000 or more!) and our wedding will be very simple, VERY VERY VERY SIMPLE (their contribution would be no more than $5,000 – that is a lot already to me). Would you feel offended? I feel like we’re begging them to help at this point, but I just don’t want them to feel left out of the wedding planning like most grooms families feel and so far all of the guests coming to the wedding and party are my family’s side. What do you think?
Post # 3
I don’t think I would be offended, if I were you, but I would not be over sensitive about it either. I think your Fiance should give them a specific amount of how much you want and let them know what it is for, and ask them if it would be reasonable to expect some help with the items, and if so, how much. It is not a requirement that the grooms parents pay for anything. A lot of things change over time, and they may be strapped for cash right now. If they can’t help monetarily, maybe they can help some other way.
Post # 4
It sounds like they blew all their cash (and then some – I’m amazed that they refinanced their house) on their daughter’s wedding under the assumption that they wouldn’t have to chip in for their son’s wedding because traditionally the bride’s parents pay. I’d be offended and hurt, and mainly hurt on FI’s behalf for being treated so unevenly by his parents. One at least wishes they’d have the guts to level with him and explain that they aren’t chipping in at all because they didn’t think they’d have to, and now have painted themselves into a corner such that they can’t afford it. I do not believe there is anything you can do because I do doubt they can afford to help, if they are now paying a second mortgage. Thank your lucky stars you have better financial sense (and more basic decency) than they do, and try to preserve your relationship with them by having the best wedding you can for the money available.
(Also, that $5,000 you are hoping they would chip in is only about the amount that many rehearsal dinners cost, so it isn’t unreasonable that they should have expected to spend that much on a son’s wedding if they so freely spent so much on their daughter’s wedding. Again, it seems to be poor and insensitive money management, but there’s nothing to do about that now.)
Post # 5
I would try not to be offended and I would stop asking. I think they obviously don’t want to/can’t afford to pitch in. Fair or not, it is likely because of the tradition of the bride’s family paying and they already spent a ton of money on their daughter’s wedding. My husband’s family chipped in relatively very little compared to what my parents paid. That’s just the way it worked out.
Post # 6
First off, thank you so much for replying to my post. You guys have provided me with some clarity especially LittlestBirds. I haven’t been thinking about how my Fiance would feel, and now I feel bad about not thinking about how he might be feeling as well. I definitely am not going to ask his parents anymore. After the last response from them, it was pretty much clear that they didn’t really want to help in that capacity. I understand that traditionally the bride’s family pays for most, but we’re both Filipino. And as I understand under Filipino traditions, the grooms family pays for everything (we’re not expecting either set of parents to shoulder the majority). I think what makes me frustrated is that when his sister got married, his dad convinced him that if my Fiance co-signed when they refinanced, his dad would pay his brand new car off (which was paid off after 3 years just recently). Also, his parents have two houses, one here and one in the Philippines. My Fiance has been living at home with his parents and I moved into the house within the last few months since they are in the Philippines. They were making him feel VERY VERY guilty about wanting to buy a house of his own and not take over their house here in the states. And, he’s still making payments to them (as if he was making car payments – maybe x2) when in reality the car is paid off. His parents are retired (but they are not even close to retirement age). That’s why I feel confused about the whole situation. They can afford to fund his sisters wedding, have two houses, but make my Fiance feel guilty about wanting to get a house of his own, but they aren’t even offering to help pay for something like photography or videography, or anything… My Fiance is such a generous person (he’ll never tell them NO) and sometimes I feel his relationship is more of a give-give and not a give and take type relationship.
Post # 7
I get you are frustrated and I would vote somewhere in the middle. BUT I have learned that it is their money and they choose how to spend it. No one can make you feel guilty (I’ve been told this by other older married women but have yet to fully understand and fully implement this in my life) similar to one can only have as much control over you as you let them. It is still just as frustrating but thinking along these lines has eased my mind a bit how my Mother-In-Law handles her money and her lack of contribution to our lives- not just a financial aspect.
Sure they will throw a fit over your Fiance moving out but he deserves the right to have his own life and choose his own way. I wouldn’t ask for any more money and just plan with the amount you have. If they happen to give you money (you put the cash or check in your account), consider it over what your budget is.
Post # 8
If you want them to contribute, then I’d just ask. It would bother me if my FI’s parents paid for his siblings but didn’t offer anything for mine; but at the same time, then I’d give them absolutely no say in anything pertinent and I’d make it clear who was hosting what. That’s just me though…
Post # 9
very strange that they ask you to ask them to help, and when you do, they dodge the question. I don’t think they want to help and i don’t think they will help. Try not to be offended, though I can understand why you’d have those feelings. My siblings got a lot of things that I never did, but I wouldn’t trade any of it to have those kinds of strings attached.
Post # 10
BIG mistake for your Fiance to co-sign on the 2nd mortgage. Never co-sign on anything like that. Why is your Fiance making payments to the parents at all? Just from what I read the condition was that if he co-signed the loan he’s get his car paid off… not Fiance having to contribute toward the 2nd mortgage. The payments your FI’s making is probably going toward them paying for their 2 homes and in no way should Fiance be responsible for his parents’ lifestyle.
Seems like FI’s parents are being greedy and are treating your Fiance very poorly. Honestly I’d suggest that guys move out of their house and get a place of your own. Seems like his parents want to control your Fiance and the more dependent he is on them (living in their house, etc) the more say they get. It doesn’t seem like it’s a good deal for you or Fiance and you both need to be completely independent.
I get the feeling that his parents want him to take it over so that they don’t have to be responsible for paying off the 2nd mortgage (thus they don’t need to pay off the extra debt and can live comfortably in the Philipines).