(Closed) How would you feel?

posted 8 years ago in Family
  • poll: Am I being overly sensitive or am I justified in being a little offended?
    Overly Sensitive : (22 votes)
    69 %
    I would be offended too : (10 votes)
    31 %
  • Post # 3
    8353 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2011

    I don’t think I would be offended, if I were you, but I would not be over sensitive about it either. I think your Fiance should give them a specific amount of how much you want and let them know what it is for, and ask them if it would be reasonable to expect some help with the items, and if so, how much. It is not a requirement that the grooms parents pay for anything. A lot of things change over time, and they may be strapped for cash right now. If they can’t help monetarily, maybe they can help some other way.

    Post # 4
    1570 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 1996

    It sounds like they blew all their cash (and then some – I’m amazed that they refinanced their house) on their daughter’s wedding under the assumption that they wouldn’t have to chip in for their son’s wedding because traditionally the bride’s parents pay. I’d be offended and hurt, and mainly hurt on FI’s behalf for being treated so unevenly by his parents. One at least wishes they’d have the guts to level with him and explain that they aren’t chipping in at all because they didn’t think they’d have to, and now have painted themselves into a corner such that they can’t afford it. I do not believe there is anything you can do because I do doubt they can afford to help, if they are now paying a second mortgage. Thank your lucky stars you have better financial sense (and more basic decency) than they do, and try to preserve your relationship with them by having the best wedding you can for the money available.

    (Also, that $5,000 you are hoping they would chip in is only about the amount that many rehearsal dinners cost, so it isn’t unreasonable that they should have expected to spend that much on a son’s wedding if they so freely spent so much on their daughter’s wedding. Again, it seems to be poor and insensitive money management, but there’s nothing to do about that now.)

    Post # 5
    2008 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2009

    I would try not to be offended and I would stop asking.  I think they obviously don’t want to/can’t afford to pitch in.  Fair or not, it is likely because of the tradition of the bride’s family paying and they already spent a ton of money on their daughter’s wedding.  My husband’s family chipped in relatively very little compared to what my parents paid.  That’s just the way it worked out. 

    Post # 7
    624 posts
    Busy bee

    I get you are frustrated and I would vote somewhere in the middle.  BUT I have learned that it is their money and they choose how to spend it.  No one can make you feel guilty (I’ve been told this by other older married women but have yet to fully understand and fully implement this in my life) similar to one can only have as much control over you as you let them.  It is still just as frustrating but thinking along these lines has eased my mind a bit how my Mother-In-Law handles her money and her lack of contribution to our lives- not just a financial aspect.

    Sure they will throw a fit over your Fiance moving out but he deserves the right to have his own life and choose his own way.  I wouldn’t ask for any more money and just plan with the amount you have.  If they happen to give you money (you put the cash or check in your account), consider it over what your budget is. 

    Post # 8
    232 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    If you want them to contribute, then I’d just ask.  It would bother me if my FI’s parents paid for his siblings but didn’t offer anything for mine; but at the same time, then I’d give them absolutely no say in anything pertinent and I’d make it clear who was hosting what.  That’s just me though…


    Post # 9
    3125 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2009

    very strange that they ask you to ask them to help, and when you do, they dodge the question. I don’t think they want to help and i don’t think they will help. Try not to be offended, though I can understand why you’d have those feelings. My siblings got a lot of things that I never did, but I wouldn’t trade any of it to have those kinds of strings attached.

    Post # 10
    179 posts
    Blushing bee

    BIG mistake for your Fiance to co-sign on the 2nd mortgage. Never co-sign on anything like that. Why is your Fiance making payments to the parents at all? Just from what I read the condition was that if he co-signed the loan he’s get his car paid off… not Fiance having to contribute toward the 2nd mortgage. The payments your FI’s making is probably going toward them paying for their 2 homes and in no way should Fiance be responsible for his parents’ lifestyle.

    Seems like FI’s parents are being greedy and are treating your Fiance very poorly. Honestly I’d suggest that guys move out of their house and get a place of your own. Seems like his parents want to control your Fiance and the more dependent he is on them (living in their house, etc) the more say they get. It doesn’t seem like it’s a good deal for you or Fiance and you both need to be completely independent.

    I get the feeling that his parents want him to take it over so that they don’t have to be responsible for paying off the 2nd mortgage (thus they don’t need to pay off the extra debt and can live comfortably in the Philipines).

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