Post # 1
My Fiance best man is is brother. One of my bridesmaids is his wife. For the last 6 months they have been back and forth seperated in and out of the house ect.
He has to be in the wedding because he is my Fiance brother, but with their relationship so undecided I just don’t feel comfortable having her stand up any longer. We used be friends, but since they began having problems she became very distant, very unenvolved and unintersted in wedding and nonwedding related things.
I’d like to have her step down. Should they still be married, she is more than welcome to come to the wedding, if not, they can deal with the drama on their own and leave it at home instead of at our wedding.
Am I being selfish? I just don’t want their marriage problems to have an effect on our day considering our whole engaement we have constantly been brought into their issues.
I understand they are having problems and know I cannot relate. But I think its fair to ask them to keep it seperate from our wedding. Considering its been such a mess I don’t want to get to a week before the wedding and she finally decides she doesn’t want to be in the wedding. UGH!
What can I say to her to tell her I want her to be AT the wedding, just can’t have the risk of having her IN the wedding any longer?
On an additional note, she hasn’t offered to back out yet either.
Post # 3
my husband’s brother’s wife wasn’t in our wedding, but she did come and they were having problems. two weeks later, they seperated and decided to get a divorce. now we have somebody that nobody likes in our family pictures. i don’t have advice for how you tell her you don’t want her in the wedding… but i do agree that it’s probably not the best idea to have her in it.
Post # 4
Hmm…I have to say that I don’t think you should not include her in the wedding. I don’t know…what happens if they work things out and then she resents you for asking her to step down? I think your relationship with her will really suffer if you do ask her to step down, so I would maybe wait it out a little more.
Post # 5
Honestly, I don’t think you should ask her to step down. You haven’t actually come up with anything that screams to me she’s been a problem. She’s uninterested and uninvolved…OK. That’s not enough to ask someone to step down. I’d also think as he friend, you might want to check in with her about how she’s doing…how things are going with her.
I do think it’s OK, given what’s going on, to ask her if she still feels up to being in the wedding. I could easily imagine that it might be difficult for her, and she’d be relieved to have an out. But I would do no more than simply state that you know she’s having a difficult time, and wanted to know if being in the wedding was something she still wanted to do. (Along with expressing that YOU still want her in the wedding. Just looking out for what is in her best interest.)
Unless something between them really gets nasty, I wouldn’t just cut her without her making that choice. She might feel like she’s being kicked while she’s down.
Post # 6
I don’t see that it makes a different what dress she’s wearing and where she is standing in terms of bringing drama and that’s the only real difference between having her in the party or not. I think there will be more drama if you ask her to stand down and I would be wary about adding more problems and hurt to a couple that is going through serious problems.
Post # 7
It’s a tough call. It really can go either way. I guess it depends on the entire situation, and not just what you wrote about in the post.
If she has been your friend, and you think that even if they do get divorced she would still be a friend & there wouldn’t be hard feelings later on, I say keep her in the wedding. If there isn’t any real friendship there & it doesn’t seem like you’d keep in touch w/ her should they get divorced, then you can probably ask her to step down.
Instead of just making a decision, what about talking to her about the whole thing? Explain your feelings to her & see what she thinks about everything.
Post # 8
I don’t think you are being selfish. I would ask her to step down.
Can you be brutally honest? Tell her that you know she and your FI’s brother are having some issues and that you don’t want any awkwardness… that you would like to have her in the wedding, but FI’s brother has to be in there, and you don’t feel comfortable having both…?
I had a friend whose brother and brother’s serious gf were in the wedding. My friend was actually pretty tight with her brother’s gf… but they started having probs and broke up near the wedding. My friend asked her to step down and she was really understanding about it.
Post # 9
The problem is that she constantly is sluking around (which I get) and when ever there is a family event she pulls her husband to the side so they can talk. I think its not fair that my Fiance doesn’t really have a Bridesmaid or Best Man for the entire day because they are working out their marriage problems on our wedding day. Our friendship has spiraled downward since we asked her to stand up, so to be completely honest I am not sure if I would be friends with her any longer if they did get divorced. I don’t want to hurt his brother, but again, it seems that no one is thinking about how we play into this whole thing.
I guess if I were in the situation I would want to be pulled out considering I don’t know what is going on with mine (meaning their) relationship.
I know we need to talk to them face to face, but I just have a feeling that its not going to end well and their feelings are going to be hurt.
I do reach out to her to see how things are going but that is where the problem lies. She doesn’t ask how I am doing or recpricate any friendship conversation. It starts and ends with her. It is clear that she doesn’t have time for much so why would the wedding be any diffrent?
Post # 10
I think you ned to talk to her and make her aware that if you do keep her in your party there will be no pulling aside or talking about their marriage issues on your day. It’s not selfish to think it is your day and do not want it to be spoiled with someone else’s drama. I way say it in a nice way though but be firm at the same time
Post # 11
I would talk with her. Maybe she feels awkward about what is going on and doesn’t know how to approach it to you.
Post # 12
I think you should talk to her. Being in a wedding is probably the last thing she’d want. I don’t think you should approach it as “I don’t want you in my wedding anymore” – but more from the – I know you and “X” are having a rough time right now and I can understand if you weren’t able to stand for us in the wedding, etc…. (something along those lines). Just get the conversation started – but let HER make the decision if she stays or not.