imo tell him that ur opinion counts, its not just about him wat he does effects both of u so his choices should def include u as urs should include his
It's hard to say without knowing the details. How sure are you that this new career move will be disastrous? Is he literally repeating the same mistake? And how does it affect you? Financially, otherwise, or both?
@Aquababes: FI is a mechanic now and is actually finally at a job where he makes good money, has stability and is getting to do what he loves. HOWEVER, there was a time when he was quite the dreamer. He went through this period of time where he just was trying to come up with get rich quick schemes that sounded good in theory but were very unlikely to really become a way to make a steady living. He actually up and quit the job he had and tried things out. It was a disaster. It not only wrecked him financially but it caused a huge problem for us, it was one of the reasons we separated. I couldn't handle it and wanted better for my family. It took quite a while for him to recover from it and when we decided to get back together for good, I made sure he knew that all decisions that would affect both of us had to be made by both of us. He had his chance with me "having faith in him" and it was a mess. It is something im not willing to go through again. I think that given that his choices on his own (last time) affected you both so much, he needs to really include your opinion on this. Saying you don't have faith in him, to me, is him playing the guilt card. Examine the options and make a realistic pro's and cons list and list all the possible outcomes you can think of and what the odds are that his next move will be successful and try and plead your case that way. IMO he cannot make this kind of choice without your support and if he does, that would be something that for me might become a deal breaker.
Yeah, it's a little hard to give an opinion on this type of post without details but I have faith in my husband. If it were to really put us in a terrible position I would let him know but I would trust in his decision because he usually always has a plan.
I would have faith in him but I'd also ask him to discuss the options with someone we trusted so that we could have an unbiased opinion on the issue.
@stillme: If I go by my experience with ex, then I'll say the tell-tale signs were: his overconfidence in his own ability, his misplaced confidence in others and yes, repeating the same behaviour - doing jobs for free and sucking up to his friends. It impacted us financially and otherwise also, in the sense that our marriage plans got delayed, our lives became miserable, he was working long hours without any reward whatsoever etc.
I find many of my friends complaining about being unhappy with their partners' career decisions. And yet, we are generally expected not to dictate terms. So I was wondering where will you draw the proverbial line and what would you do if he absolutely refuses to listen to you.
@Birdee106: Trust him the first time around is absolutely fine but what about a repeat offender?
@stardustintheeyes: Thank you for the response. I totally think along the same lines.
Without knowing the details,
IMO, once you're married, your career isn't just " your career" anymore. I'm not going to quit my job, pass on a promotion, relocate, etc without first discussing it with my husband. If he ( or I) decided to start a new business venture, and we had already had one fail, it would be a serious, serious issue to me where I would have to put my foot down if I felt red flags were going up.
@Aquababes: I wouldn't leave him, no matter what. I don't believe in divorce, I think all situations can work out. But if he continually made mistakes then we would need to go to counseling or talk to someone who could help us figure things out.
@Aquababes: I had to deal with this shit with my ex. Luckily my SO is not a dreamer.. and he makes really good money (works hard for it). I ended up leaving my ex after being 5 years off/on because it was just too much. He was in debt, he lacked ambition... he really did want to get rich the quick way. Ugh.
I have dreams... but I am not about to quit my job to pursue an idea. I don't know the context, but basically if it is something like he wants to quit his job to start a business, you need to ensure he pursues it on the side first. That's what I'm doing. It isn't easy, but then again it's not easy when you're peniless either!
I had "voted" other before I saw your updates.
I would have to put my foot down. And, if he kept committing the same offense, I would consider leaving. My mom had to deal with my dad's repeatedly bad financial/career choices. It left the both of them with bad credit/bankruptcy because my dad made bad business decisions. In the end, my parent's relationship ended in a divorce.
@Aquababes: I think part of living under the same roof means that decisions that affect both of you (which is usually 99% of them) should be agreed upon by both parties. You can't just think about yourself anymore. It's a team effort.
Put your foot down.
I would say put your foot down atleast for a little while. After everything has been settled for a while and maybe have some money saved he can try something else. This way you have some support unless things don'tgo well.
He would need to have a fool proof "alternate" ie if you were out 50K for the last incident he will have to save up 50k before he can make this jump again.
@Aquababes: If my partner were continually doing jobs for free and then hoping to get paid afterward, that would be over the line for me, for sure. It's one thing to say, "Honey, I know I'm an accountant, but I've always wanted to be a software engineer; stick with me while I follow my dream and take classes at night."
It's an entirely different thing to be dumb about money, which this sounds like. He needs to have a contract in writing before every job he does, stating what he'll do and how much he'll be paid. This is business 101. If he can't see the sense in this, then yes, I would move on. This is something that you just can't live with.
I think if you've built a life together, your opinion is just as important as his and this is something you should be having an open discussion about. This is not just about him.
I think IF he chooses to go forward, he needs a contingency plan to show that the disaster this time won't be like it was last time, if it happens. But honestly, he also needs to show you that your opinion matters to him.
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I was wondering about something and was curious about your opinions. Supposing your DH/FI/SO has taken a disastrous career decision in the past that has impacted your lives greatly. You have just recovered (or are still suffering) and now he is taking another decision that you feel is going to be as bad as the first. You have tried to express your concerns but he won't listen to you/asks you to have more faith in him. You don't know if you could recover another disaster like the one before. How would you deal?