How would you react

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
275 posts
Helper bee

How I’d react would depend on whether I’d previously asked him about it or if it had come up in conversation and he had lied about it. Have you previously made known that you are against it? It’s hard to know if he was delieberately hiding it or if it just never came up

 ETA I would be hurt if he knew it was a problem for me and was doing it secretly

Post # 4
Member
8515 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

If you’re asking me personally, drugs were a deal breaker for me. But even if you don’t feel that way, I’d feel lied to and deceived in your place. I’d be wondering what else he fails to disclose out of convenience. Lies of omission, especially when this has been openly discussed, are still lies.

Honesty is one of the most important character traits, and this would be a serious breach of trust. I’d see it as a red flag. 

Post # 5
Member
275 posts
Helper bee

mrslavogue92217 :  

aw that sucks, I can totally imagine feeling upset then! do you think you’ll talk to him about the convo you saw?

Post # 6
Member
6807 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I would absolutly be upset that he was hiding this, it wouldn’t necessarily be a deal breaker but I’d let him know that he had broken my trust and would need to work to gain it back. Lying by omission out of convenience or whatever is not okay. Open communication and honesty will make your relationship stronger, lies and secrets only weaken it. He needs to understand this.

Post # 7
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee

Actually, this exact same thing happened to me.

I only had a suspicion and just outright asked, but my SO confirmed that I was right and admitted that he had been hiding it from me. I was much more upset about the fact that he felt he had to hide that from me and told him so–explaining that having things hidden from me made me feel bad and like I was unbearable to deal with.

I knew he had in the past, so it’s a bit of a different situation for me. That said the act itself of occasionally smoking isn’t a dealbreaker for me, so I didn’t treat it like one. I made it very clear that hiding things from me is a dealbreaker and that it shouldn’t happen again.

I say pick your battles, and I don’t think this is a hill to die on, but you should definitely bring this issue up and make it clear that keeping things a secret hurts you. Letting resentment build is a relationship killer.

Post # 8
Member
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - Cottage

I dont see weed no worst than alcohol or cigarettes (I actually hate cigarettes a lot more thsm wed) so I would not be pissed off. Moderation is key as is with alcohol. Im cool with some consumption but not cool with a habit or addiction. 

Post # 9
Member
318 posts
Helper bee

mrslavogue92217 :  Your partner hiding his drug use is a big deal whether you’re personally okay drug use or not.  I’m assuming you live in a state where pot isn’t legal so having it possibly in your car or home does impact you.  Depending on his employer, he could lose his job if he tests positive for marijuana use which also would affect you.  If he’s not smoking at your home, then he’s likely driving high which is also illegal.  

Personally I don’t find pot use to be a deal breaker outside of the potential consequences for my family since we live in a state where it’s not legal.  My husband’s company also has a strict policy prohibiting use (even in states where it’s legal.) I do think it’s a big deal he’s concealed his drug use from you and indicates there might be other things he’s concealed from you to avoid conflict. 

Post # 11
Member
990 posts
Busy bee

mrslavogue92217 :  I can imagine he felt it was better to hide it from you as you admit you’re strongly against weed. Plus I don’t know if I would even describe it as harshly as ‘hiding’ it from you. If you think weed is bad and he only smokes away from the house, when would it come up?

Post # 13
Member
318 posts
Helper bee

mrslavogue92217 :  If he’s driving after smoking he is breaking the law. You can get a DUI for marijuana just like alcohol.

You haven’t said anything about his employment, but since pot is still federally prohibited it’s a big deal in a lot of industries.  

Your fiancé can say pot isn’t a drug, but that doesn’t change the fact it is a drug. It’s a drug that is less impairing (in my opinion) than alcohol, but that doesn’t change the fact pot still is a drug.  He hid drug use from you.  If he wanted to equate it to alcohol, how odd would it to think for years your partner didn’t drink and find out from a text message that they actually did drink alcohol. 

Post # 15
Member
1293 posts
Bumble bee

I’d be pissed and want to know what else he’s deceiving me about -I’d want to see all his texts, emails, facebook messages in order to trust him again. And I’d want to randomly check them again in the future.

why do you have a joint account with a man you’re not married to? You should go thru every transaction and rethink this.

also I wouldn’t let him drive my car. Ever.

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