Post # 1
OK bees, I have a situation in my relationship and I’m curious how others would react in my position. I have been with my FI for over 2 ½ years and we were engaged a couple months ago. We have both been married before and we both have children from our previous marriages. All of our children except one is in college so we only have his youngest that we have to deal with one ex-spouse. (his)..
I have bent over backwards to make sure there hasn’t been any issues that would cause any type of fights arguments etc. I have been as nice and accommodating as possible.
That being said. When picking up his child this weekend he ex asked if he would take HER mother to his other child’s sporting event. I can’t help but feel strange about this. I do not want to go with his ex mother-in-law to anything. She doesn’t live close by and is just in town for a few days but I don’t think it’s his responsibility to do this. (His ex-wife has to work, she finally took a full time job after several years of only working part time and letting the child support pay the bills for a house much larger and nicer than ours) I can’t imagine asking my ex husband to take my mother anywhere nor would she go. The bigger part of the issue is that his ex-wife is very controlling. She will probably blow up or get totally unreasonable if told no. I’m just curious bees…. How would you handle this? As his FI, I don’t feel like this should be something I should have to tolerate.
Post # 3
No, I think her request is out of line. If I were your fiance, I would have said no.
Post # 4
@4everbee: I would look at the bigger picture. I am still friendly with my ex’s Mom (his Dad has passed away). I stayed friendly with them intentionally because they were, are, and always will be my children’s grandparents.
Is it really any skin off your teeth if your FI drives his child’s grandmother to see a sporting event? Be the bigger person.
You said she was only in town for a few days.It’s not even like this is going to be a regular issue. Be grateful his ex finally has a full time job, and therefore a good reason that she can’t drive her Mom.
Post # 5
@4everbee: I really think this should be up to your FI and not up to you. You’ve done the right thing by trying to get along with his ex, as you should, because there are children involved. I agree with you that it was inappropriate of his ex to ask this of him. But it’s his decision what to do about it. He can easily tell her NO, without any involvement from you (and keeping you from looking like the bad guy).
How does he feel about his ex’s request? (Also, I didn’t vote because I don’t agree with any of the poll options. You should add to the poll: Let my FI handle it and I stay out of it.)
Post # 6
I would not be okay with this.
Post # 7
@4everbee: I’m sorry, but I don’t agree with you. You have every right to your feelings, but this is your FI’s child’s grandmother. She wants to go see her grandchild play and I’m sure the child would like for his grandmother to be there.
Every 3 years I go to Guatemala and spend two weeks at my ex’s mother’s house so my children can spend time with the other part of their family. They might not be my in-laws anymore, but I still love them like family and I could never take my kids away from them. So even though it means me buying 3 plane tickets, getting passports, leaving the country and spending two weeks without all my American conveniences (without a dime of help from my kid’s father), I do it. Is FI happy about it? No, probably not so much. But he would never tell me I couldn’t go because he understands how important it is for my children to spend time with all of their family.
If your FI’s ex is controlling other things in your life, then that’s another story. But I see this more for the sake of FI’s child, than his ex.
Post # 8
@4everbee: Her mother is the kids grandmother, right? In this case, i don’t really think its out of line. And she isn’t asking him to take her to the doctor or something.. the reason is her grandchild/your stepchild. You’re within your rights to say no, but I think that I’d TRY being supportive of my stepkid hanging with their grandma while she was in town for a couple of days. I don’t really see how this particular instane is disrespectful to you.
I think it’s more important that she is the grandmother rather than the ex wifes mother.
Post # 9
Just to make sure I read this correct. You FI’s ex-wife wants him to take her mother (his childs grandmother) to a sporting event so she can see her grandson play? And the grandmother lives out of town and therefore has a limited chance to see her grandson?
I would absolutely encourage my FI to bring his ex-MIL to his kids sporting event. If we’re being honest here, grandparents are usually elderly (especially considering the other kids are in college). Old people die. If this kid has a limited amount of time to see and interact with a grandparent because she lives out of town, I would encourage it. I never met one of my grandmothers because she died before I was born and her husband died when I was 8. I would do anything to go back in time and listen to his stories more carefully because my parents, older cousins and siblings all have stories about him and I remember almost nothing. It sucks, but people die. And once they’re gone, they are gone forever. It will be awkward for you, but this is more important than feeling awkward for a few hours.
Post # 10
@Sunfire: He wasn’t happy about it but he is afraid she will ask his mother to drive her and his mother has no husiness driving that far. His ex is dating someone off and on. i think he shoukd take her not my fi
i also know that he would question me if my ex made that request of me. His ex spends alot of yime with his mom which i don’t like but nothing i can do about it. That’s their choice. it all makes me feel like an outsider though.
Post # 11
@4everbee: ((HUGS)) I understand how you feel. You should go with them if he decides to take her. After all, this is his child’s grandmother and it shouldn’t be a big deal. I’m sure he respects you, this is just a tough situation.
I have to deal with my husband’s ex, too, so I know how you feel, believe me. Recently my MIL was in the hospital and his ex showed up to visit her, with the entire family there. Luckily my husband and I weren’t there at that moment and we missed her. Lucky for her, lol. 😉 But, still, these are normal family issues that everyone had to deal with.
Post # 12
If they are still amicable and get along well, I don’t see this being a horrible request. She’s still family (the grandmother), and I’m sure your FI kind of considers her still family, even though it’s his ex’s mom. Sure, it’s a little strange, but I don’t think it’s a bad thing.
I had divorced parents who got second divorces… so this really doesn’t seem like a big deal to me.
Post # 13
@4everbee: Let me just start with saying this: I get it. I really do. In our situation with the ex-gf/mother-of-the-kids, any ‘no’, no matter how nicely said, results in a massive blow-up. So yes, I understand what you are dealing with.
To me, it totally depends on how this woman will behave. We were at one of FIs kids sporting events and the kids grandma from their mothers side was there…and she acted foolish the entire time: glaring at FI, shaking her head at me, etc. Just stirring the pot. Meanwhile, the kids mother, FI and I are sitting there getting along just fine. Grandma still has some bitterness from stuff that happened over 10 years ago, I guess.
So, in your case…is she the type that can go and let the past be the past? Can she be nice or indifferent to you? After our experience with their grandma, she would not be joining us for any car rides…if she was nice, then of course she’d be welcome.
Post # 14
@julies1949: ,@jadlnc:, @FionnaCake: and @jessicadarling: I agree with you. You all presented excellent points.
Post # 15
@4everbee: I don’t really see the problem… Grandma wants to see her grandkid’s game, and since ex-wife is busy working, she asked Dad to bring Grandma to kid’s game.
That makes sense to me!
Post # 16
I don’t see how this is an inappropriate request. But then again, my family and I are still quite chummy with my brother’s ex (and mother of his child). My BF and I even spent a night at the home she shares with her second husband and their little girl when we were in town last winter. And I promise you, everyone also ADORES bro’s current wife.