how would you take this?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2372 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - B&B

Well first I think more of a talk should definitely be had between the two of them… maybe she could bring it up in a gentle manner like “hey you know how you said you’d marry me if we move? well it just got me thinking about the future and what we both might want out of it… where do you see us going in a year, two years, three?” see how he responds to that. If he’s noncommittal, there may be problems. If he lines out a clearer plan, perhaps there’s hope. And if he is noncommittal, she needs to find a gentle way to express to him that it is important for HER to have some kind of idea… that its making her worried and she needs some kind of reassurance that he’s serious about their future. She doesn’t have to ask for a play by play timeline, but she needs some kind of verbal reassurance from him that their future is with each other, in a way that they both agree with.

But my concern would be if she wants marriage and kids, this man is 38… I’m not saying that people can’t start families in their 40’s, it happens often enough, but it’s not like they are both in their mid-20’s and have “all” the time in the world… if he’s still being noncommittal at 38…. I would begin to be worried he will NEVER want to settle down?

Post # 4
Member
3344 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

My best friend did the exact same thing right out of high school.  Her BF was moving across the country for a job, and she said she’d only go with him if they got married.  They went to the courthouse that summer and several years later ended up getting a divorce because he became a very different person once they were actually married.  Is that what would happen to your friend?  No, not necessarily.

But I strongly believe that you should get married for the right reasons.  Moving is not one of those reasons, in my opinion.  Marriage is a huge decision that has more than just emotional consequences.  It should not be entered into lightly.

In the end, you can’t tell her how to live her life.  All you can do is be there for her and support her in whatever decisions she makes.

Post # 5
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@stardustintheeyes:  “We accept the love we think we deserve” – she puts up with it. I would never tolerate it but then again, I know what I’m worth and what I deserve. 

Post # 7
Member
5932 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@stardustintheeyes:  Honestly, it just sounds like we’ve got an individual with a very different approache to life’s milestones….a lot of people are motivated and have a strong drive to achieve and complete these milestones, and others, who I consider to be late bloomers, are quite content to mosey down life’s path and take their time when the decision is literally on top of them….and until then, its just not relevant.

I think considering his stance on marriage and this move, or lack thereof should not be taken in a bad light, because maybe for him….loving her and wanting to be with her is not in any way relevant to being married…but from the sound of his life choices and approach from the very limited information, he only makes those decisions when its absolutely necessary.

My advice to her would be to make that decision and action necessary, it doesn’t have to be confrontational, or an ultimatum or a request for a timeline on his part, but a shift in focus on her part to taking this relationship to the next phase, or being ready to find one that is going to go there.

 

Post # 9
Member
8426 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@stardustintheeyes:  Ok, what I think is more concerning is that this guy is almost 40 and still living at home.  That doesn’t really sound like someone who is ready for marriage.

Post # 11
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Nona99:  This. I very much like Nona’s reply.

Post # 12
Member
624 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

If he has been unemployed for 2 years it’s no surprise he’s been living with family and there hasn’t been a promise of an engagement or a proposal yet. Sounds like he’s just getting back on his feet. I think he does want to marry her. If he didn’t, no move and no ultimatum would force him to (unless he is a doormat). I think this is more about practicality and finances than anything else. At least he has a job now, even if it isn’t a high paying one, and he thinks they can finally give marriage a shot?

Post # 14
Member
5932 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@stardustintheeyes:  …well, if they can’t get their lives on a track that works for them without relying financially on others, they have no business getting married, becuase its a lifetime commitment and should not be taken lightly.

With what you’ve told me, the BF is merely a distraction and rather amusing tool for her to live out a fantasy that just isn’t real…and will never be. 

I had a friend like this too….and what it took for her to get things together was literally every resource she had been using completely drying up…and sooner or later, the folks that are paying their way will tire of it, and they’ll either sink or swim…likely it will also destroy the relationship in the process, and they’ll move on, hopefully wiser, and make a life they can enjoy.

As for your relationship with her, whenever she talks about her foibles with this man, tell yourself its more like she’s regailing you with the plot of some TV show, because it isn’t real, and not worth investing your time and energy in, what you CAN focus on, and support her in, are any and all things that enrich and fullfill her, ecourage her taking on more challenges and assuming independence and reminding her that life is too short to wait too long for something to happen, when you can make it happen for yourself.

Post # 15
Member
496 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@Nona99:  +1 That second post was solid.

Post # 16
Member
3394 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@stardustintheeyes:  I’m with you, actions speak louder than words. Moving is not a reason to get married. It’s a big jump to go from living at home to be a married SAHM. I don’t see how $14/hr. is going to support a family in either Philly or Baltimore. Seems a bit unrealistic IMO. (I live 25 mi. outside of Philly and even here the cost of living is pretty high) Have they been saving while living at home? Anyway, regardless, he should want to marry her without the move. If he’s willing to do it with the move, then obviously he’s not against or afraid of marriage. Maybe he is already thinking about marriage and that was just an off-handed comment he made. I really think the best option is for her to sit down and talk to him about where this relationship is headed.

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