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So far I've told him "I think I'd feel better if I had a timeline", to which he replied, "are you talking about Facebook?" *facepalm*
@VickyAurea:I think that's completely fair. He should absolutely be able to provide a timeline, even if he says it won't be another 5 years. That way, you won't bother each other with your expectations because you'll be on the same page. It's not fair to either of you NOT to have a timeline. Even if he can't give you a number of years, he should be able to give you a milestone (ie, once you're living together, once he has x amount of money saved, once he achieves his career goals, etc).
@redheadem: We have a vague timeline, but yeah, that's more for when we'll get married than engaged.
But seriously, how can I explain what waiting feels like? Because I see people writing a lot "oh men just don't get it". Well, I like to think that anyone could get it if we told them in ways they'd understand. So how can I explain the rollercoaster of emotions that the waiting process involves to my SO, for whom waiting is a total non-issue because he is the one who will be proposing eventually?
Explain it to him like interviewing for his dream job and having to wait for their answer whether or not they are going to hire him.
Or waiting for his favorite video game to come out.
Or waiting for something else he really wants but has no control over when he gets.
Being in limbo.
Knowing deep inside that this thing you are waiting for will eventually arrive, but that the intervening minutes are still dragged out into agonising seconds of self-doubt, worry, heart-wrenching moments of hope and then the inevitable crushing downfall. The irrational comparisons to others and their relationships to no conceivable purpose. Having to put all your trust and desires to a plan you have no control over. Being completely in the dark about one of your biggest dreams, and not being able to put into action your plans for the future.
This might be in my most dramatic silly times of the month you understand ;)
Just be honest with him and explain it as simply and honestly as you can. And try not to lose your head, definitely doesn't help...
Maybe show him some jewellery shops, to give him an idea/hint?
Although I was not a waiting bee, I was waiting for a proposal before I found WeddingBee and I didn't have anxiety over waiting or bottled up feelings because when I was thinking about getting engaged I talked to my FI about it. If I was having a bad day because of it then we talked about it. if I was just daydreaming about it then we talked about it. We talked about it A LOT because it was important to me. I see a lot of posts that say to keep it to yourself and give him time and space but I honestly feel that communication is the greatest thing for a relationship and you need to tell him how you are feeling. Talking about it will help him understand and also bring your relationship more clarity and closeness. Tell him you want to be engaged and you want to start the rest of your lives together being married, not dating.
@flownmuse: BINGO. You hit the nail on the head. That is how it feels. Precisely, yes.
@Lucille_628: Definitely! I'm talking to him about it and trying to explain how it can be that I can feel both happy and sad about our two wonderful friends getting engaged.
@NehaPrasad92: Yeah, I'm trying to talk to him about positive things, like which rings we both like, since we can't move forward really, as it isn't a good idea for us to get engaged for about a year really. I know that, deep down. :)
I'm so sorry, but I love his first response is about Facebook--classic!!!
I feel in a similar situation. The day I thought my SO was going to propose but didn't, my friend called me to say she was engaged. It was really hard to hear and I did not responnd in a very positive way due to my shock.
Well, that phone conversation led to a break down in fron tof my SO and a long discussion where I learned he had not progressed much int he past year and was still uncomfortable feeling pressured to propose. It was really hard, and I had to work very hard to earn back my friendship, all because I couldn't just openly talk with my SO and had bottled it up until it exploded.
I explained to him that it is crushing because I feel like I have not been chosen to be his wife, period. I want him to choose me. Make it known that he has chosen me, and be proud of his decision. The delay in proposing makes me feel unworthy or not good enough to be chosen. He seemed to understand this and was heartbroken I felt this way. Maybe your SO will understand how you feel if you explain it this way?
Either way, I hope you can mae him understand.
A close friend from high school (who also happens to be a still current neighbor) just officially announced her engagement via Facebook. So happy for her! But so crushed on the inside ;_; I've come here to wallow
。・゜・(ノД`)・゜・。
I know exactly how you feel. My older brother, 26 proposed to his now fiancée, 32 on December 7, 2011. So it is still very very fresh. I received the news via text msg from his fiancée right after he proposed.. More on that below..
I actually didn't know how to feel. I didn't have anyone to share it with, I was at work so I couldn't outwardly express my feelings either. I'm currently in a different city than my brother, but they came to visit in November. I saw my father that night and just wanted to share it with him and he just responded with "I know, he ordered the ring two and a half months ago." To be honest I was pretty pissed off. I feel as family, we have the privilege of knowing something as big as a proposal is coming up.. Like the purchase of an e-ring. Being a sister, and his only sister, you would think that is information I would like him to share with me. I was excited and happy for a short moment. I really like his fiancée, she's a great woman, but I have some deep rooted issues with my family. Being Asian, it's hard to have our father be proud of us. It doesn't help that my father is very traditional as well. The son is number 1 (especially because they pass the family name) which is very true in my case. He gets everything. I was, angry, jealous, sad, probably every emotion under the sun. My SO is 31 and we have been together a little longer than they have, but my bother is financially more "fortunate" than my SO. Let's say daddy helps my brother a lot financially...
I got home and suddenly bursted out in tears! I'm lucky that my SO will sit and listen to me. I told him everything and he expressed that he was actually jealous of my brother. He says it's because my brother is spoiled, and probably got financial help from my father, and my SO never experienced anything like that. My SO has dropped hints about purchasing an e-ring, and we often talk about getting married so naturally I wish it was me... A couple days ago my father told me that my brother is already looking at venues and has planned the wedding for October 24, 2012. The news is still eating at me.. Until the day I have an e-ring on my finger I will have this weird inexplicable feeling inside ='(
@Lucille_628: I can honestly say that while this may have worked for her...it will NOT work for everyone. My SO does not want to feel pressured into proposing. And the fact that it is on my mind every day means i would have to tell him EVERY day that i'm still waiting. Most guys dont want to be put in that situation.
I told my SO that it felt like i was in limbo not knowing if he was seriuos about marriage or committement with me. I really liked the analogy of waiting to hear if you got a dream job. Or waiting to see if you passed your final exam of college or something.
@Rush1986: Good point, also. My SO doesn't want me to pressure him either because he wants to wait until he feels ready and happy with the timing and financial situation and such.
I'm not such a fan of the dream job or passing an exam analogy myself because I definitely DO know that I got the dream job / passed the exam, I am just waiting for my start date or the exam certificate. I know we're gonna get married and I know when but I just don't know when the engagement part will come.
I too, have had a bunch of friends get engaged over the holidays....What sucks more, is knowing many of my engaged or married friends, have not even known each other as long as my boyfriend and I...I think the best way to describe it, and what I've said to my boyfriend, is that I'm so over him being a BOYFRIEND to me, that I see him as my husband and it's frustrating that technically, what we are, doesn't match our commitment. :-/
@WantToBeM.E.: Yeah, I get you, totally. The good thing about this couple is they've been together 6 1/2 years, and we've been together 7 1/2. So it's fair, really. Lots of couples get married and they've known each other less time than we've been together but these guys have been together a long time, since they were very young, like us. I'm so happy for them, the little childhood sweethearts getting married. It's perfect. In fact, it is exactly how it will be when we get engaged - people saying "oh wow, they've been together AGES, yay" and "oh they're childhood sweethearts, how lovely for them"... which is maybe why I am extra jealous. Because it is just so exactly like our situation, except not happening to us. It's a bit like you said, about our relationship not being the same as theirs - like we were both these long-term couples but now they're getting married and we aren't. Any negative pangs of feeling I had are irrational, totally, because I only have to wait one year and then it'll be us. :)
I know you mentioned how the job interview might not be your cup of tea for the waiting equivalent but I think this puts it in a good light. I know when I was waiting (years ago now), I gave him a similar scenario and I could practically see the lightbulb click on over his head. Things got MUCH better for me/us after that.
I think the feeling of frustration, doubt, and not wanting to push him really comes across. The user "authentic" posted it a while ago...
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/waiting-for-a-proposal-the-male-equivalent
Good luck!!
ETA: put user's name in quotes since I don't know how to link directly to them.
I can completely relate to this. Out of all our friends, we have been together the longest. Over the last 12 months I have watched as one by one they have gotten engaged,started families, bought houses. As much as I want to feel happy for them, it feels like a huge kick in the guts. I have discussed this with my SO, and how this makes me feel like I am less loved, that our relationship is less important. But he maintains he is still not ready. Every time a friends engagement comes up and we discuss it, and it becomes clear that he has moved no closer to taking this step with me, I end up in tears. It is so hard to find a way to explain to him how it makes me feel.
I totally understand not wanting to push, and I think that is important - I'm sure most of us want out partner to choose to marry us, not be forced into it. And I always have in the back of my mind that a proposal could be just a few weeks away, and I should stop my passive aggressive nagging! Last night we ended up having a big convo about marriage - I had been hoping for a holiday proposal. It became fairly clear that he dones not have any plan, or a ring at the moment. And he was upset I was upset, but didn't really get it. After 5.5years, you should atleast have a basic plan!!
Oy, yeah, I hear you ladies. I haven't been truely waiting that long, I think it's just starting to creep in (especially with the holiday engagements). But one thing I find difficult as well is pinpointing my feelings about it. Why do I want it so much? I don't feel that engaged couples are any more 'legitimate' than us (also, there's no traditional/religious factor for us), so I'm not sure what it is...Maybe I'll do a spinoff post so as not too hijack, but I feel like I wouldn't ever be able to explain it until I can figure out exactly the core of why it's hard.
Maybe get down to the most concrete/basic feelings that go into your strife, and then work to explain those.
This is always a tough one.
One thing that gave me a one up on discussing our situation was talking about our friends wedding plans, etc. Maybe it is something that is done gradually as you help your friends plan and/or after attending engagement parties, since you are already on topic it makes it easier to bring up.
I went through this, and apparently so did my other really close girlfriends in my circle. When one of the youngest in my group and also only 1 year into their relationship got engaged, all my other gfs had meltdowns.
I just told my SO how I felt and getting the feelings out made me feel slightly better. Relationships are about communicating, so I believe in not holding back. No point in keeping it in and wallowing, and if he is a real keeper, he will be there for you with comforting words or some reassurance.
When my other friend got engaged, it wasn't so bad. I think it gets a little easier
@VickyAurea: I'm a waiting bee too... And while I understand knowing you have found the dream job, I think the analogy is more about the boss knowing you are the dream candidate for the job ! We all know we found THE man.. but we want him to make a move saying he knows He found THE woman :)
@Squish: My SO doesn't have a plan either. Sometimes that bothers me (when I'm having a bad day) but normally that makes sense. He isn't a big planner like I am. He is different to me - he does things in order. He won't think about that now because it isn't happening now, so why think about it? He could just as easily think about cats wearing hats and have a much better time. That is my guy's style and I think probably your guy has his reasons, too. Try not to sweat it - as long as you know marriage, with you, is something he does want eventually, it'll happen. :)
@drowninginpatience: Oh I have NO trouble bringing it up, trust me. Haha. But yes, when he knew I was upset after hearing of their wonderful engagement, we immediately had a timeline chat. We've known our wedding date (summer 2014) for ages and ages but the proposal date has been hazy. It is better to know I have to wait a year than to be on my toes.
@Heartly: Hmmm that's a tricky question indeed! I think it is hugely impatience. I want to be engaged, to him, so much. And I want it now. He is more sensible than me and doesn't want it now because for one, he needs a little more time, and for another, we both want a 2014 wedding and not a super long engagement so now is too soon. I guess it is impatience, then? Or, the frustration, really, that I can't TELL everyone now. So I am on Weddingbee loads but I can't tell my friend about that part of my life. I have just created a Pinterest board but I can't tell people about it because 80% of the stuff I'm pinning is wedding stuff. I can't talk to my granny excitedly about weddings when I hear she's attending one because I don't want to make her think I adore weddings a strange amount (though it's totally true) or to think I'm desperate to get married (also true) or to ask me how I know SO much about weddings and if I am secretly planning my own (yes, I am, but I don't want my whole family knowing about it until the very special day when I get to make that official announcement to them). So yeah, maybe it is having to keep schtum that sucks. Especially now my friend is engaged because I talk excitedly about her engagement to people and I'm sure I am way more excited than everyone else and they must think it's odd. It'd make TOTAL sense if I had a ring on my finger, too. I am engaged on the inside but not on the outside, so I can't scream from the rooftops that me and my SO sometimes stay up until 1am looking for my engagement ring on Etsy and are going to a wedding tipi company open day in March and and and.... all my excitement, basically. I only get to share it with bees and I love you bees but it is just not the same.
@mmmk: My guy isn't necessarily one for comforting words but he gave me reassurance, yes. I said I wish that was us and he said "it will be." Not a lot said but that's his style and it is affirming enough. It's not like I even think for one second it won't be us. We are very much unofficially engaged. We even "were engaged" for a few minutes several weeks ago but that's another story about us deciding to wait to make it official.
@maudemaisha: Yeah, I get it, it's just I DO know that. That's why it is so silly to feel the way I did the other day. We ARE getting married, we ARE saving up for it in a joint account, we ARE picking out my engagement ring, we ARE researching venues together, etc.. The boss knows I'm the perfect candidate, for sure. But what we AREN'T is able to tell anyone about any of it because we're not engaged. My engaged friend just made a wedding blog. It's brilliant. Now I want one too - oh but no, I can't make one to document my planning (even though I am planning too) because it would be weird to make one and not be engaged. And if I kept the blog a secret until I got engaged, well, then when I told people about it, they'd notice the blog began a year ago (though, now I think of it, I may well just make the blog and write a disclaimer, explaining all about how we have decided to get married and we're unofficially engaged because we want to have a special proposal moment in a year or so. And obviously it'd be a secret blog that friends can catch up on once I tell them next year.)
I took my SO on a surprise get away. Didnt tell him where we were going just started driving down the freeway. After a while he started to get really shirty and tell him that I had to give him an idea of how long we would be on the freeway for because he kept looking at every exit and wondering if this is the one we were getting off at and that he couldnt do that.
About a month later we had "the talk". Using this analogy I explained that I needed to know if we were close of not because I was looking at every "exit" and wondering if this was where we got off (being when we got engaged). Disappointedly I got told we were not close and he would give me an indication of when he was thinking about it.
Use a freeway/highway/motorway that you can relate to and ask him how close you are to your destination. 30mins away being this year or 3hrs away being not yet so sit back and relax for a while
FYI i totally used the job interview analogy last night to my SO. Since he caught me on this website LOL!
I told him this website is the only thing keeping me sane while i wait because i see all the girls getting their dream proposal, or ones in the same boat as me and i dont feel so alone and whiny anymore.
I have only just noticed the typo in this question title. How did it take me so long?!
Exactly exactly!! I think I may copy and paste this for the next time I have a 'getting engaged' convo with my bf...then maybe, just maybe he will understand!! His response every time I get upset over someone else getting a ring is "It's not a race you know...." omg....I never want to hear that again lol. No, it's not a race, but I'm tired of stalling my life waiting on a man!! Thank you for explaining that SO well!
Oh I'm so with you!! This is the only thing that keeps me sane too! I'm on here constantly, and if I wasn't, I'd be going nuts! Haha!
Don't worry - it's normal. The norm for all 'waiting' bees who have been with their SO's for quite some time (assuming you have been with him for a few years?)
We've been together for six years, he proposed six months ago. Granted, we were college sweethearts, who both agreed to not get engaged till we finished, I knew that the wait was what we agreed upon, but even still I cringed when I saw another FB relationship status change, screaming inside "But we've been together LONGER!!!" Don't feel silly (although, maybe just a little) - it gets to most of us.
Mr. Meryl never backed down from talking about wedding stuff - he was always game for it, and even the guys (our circle of friends) love joining in on what they believe to be planning (as in, what song they would loooove to walk in to, or what ruffled-shirt tux they want to wear lol), and I'll take any cooperation I can get! If he's still unsure, you really should get him to discuss why, or why not, he feels uncertain, but assure him that's it's okay that he's not at that point yet. Maybe there is something that he's just not comfortable bringing up to you without some leading (is there $ concern, family issue, any type of 'discrimination' or really anything he feels that is making him insecure about being ready, "right" right now).
I'm sure your time will come, but just make sure that wedding talk is a 'positive' for him, and not an overwhelming 'negative.' Hopefully you won't be waiting for much longer 
Ok, so I accidently chose the anxious bugging route, meaning I was all antsy and got upset over literally every girl on my fb getting engaged. I asked him when? and he gave me all his priorities, then we agreed that in order for me to stop verbally always talking about it or asking him we agreed on a timeline, an easy long one at 5 years. (We have only been together for 2 1/2)
But, sadly when we got in a fight the other day, (due to girly marrage verbal diarrea, before I found this site) I said fine, lets just do without the 5 year timeline and wait 10 years, (2 of like our close friends had, even though I was angry and sarcastic). He looked at me said he's sorry and said with a sad face, I don't want to wait that long :( I want to do it before the five year mark.
That made me happy just thinking about it. All I can say and the moral is THANK GOD FOR THIS SITE, I found it two days ago and it sure is a load off of my anxiaty in our relationship.
Setting a realisitc timeline is essential, I mean, I'm not recommending getting all weird about it like I was, but, it took that kind of reaction and honesty, to findout where his thoughts were at about getting engaged and put my mind at ease.
This JUST happened to me....friend of mine got engaged, and while I am So happy for her, she was the third in a month to announce an engagement. I was in a bad PMS place anyway, and this didn't help. My BF noticed, of course, and kept wanting to know what was wrong, was it the engagement, etc. I just pouted all night. BF even appologized for not having my ring yet (which just made me feel like a jerk) Next morning, when the hormone wave had passed, I had an honest convo with him.
"I'm so sorry I was a brat last night. I'm not trying to rush you or change any plan you might have. I've just been watching my friends get engaged and married for 13 years now (I'm 35), and I just wanted to beat someone. It's silly, I know, but I'm always the last of my friends to do everything and I wanted to not be this time. Its one of those crazy things about being a woman."
Sounds so rediculous now, but man was I bent at the time. BF was supportive, and we talked about our future and everything is fine now. Sometimes the "crazy" just gets out.
Hang in there!!
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Two friends of mine just got engaged. AMAZING. So happy for them! Simultaneously, however, I feel like someone just punched me in the stomach, I feel like my heart is beating super fast and I feel like I might cry. I've read a million posts on here like this before so I know this is a totally normal (though admittedly irrational) way that a lot of waiting bees often feel.
So, my killer of a question to you is....
How would you explain these feelings to my SO? How can we, as waiting bees, try to explain to a not-ready-yet SO what waiting feels like and how antsy we can get and how little things like other people getting engaged (that obviously don't affect our own timelines) can hurt?