How Would/Do You Juggle Wedding Planning and Grief?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

This is a tricky one. I have kinda been in the same boat, although I am not having a destination wedding. My dad passed away 2 years ago, and although time has made it easier the start of wedding planning has kind of re-opened the wound I guess you could say. Honestly we’ve been engaged for 6 months, and I just now started really planning. I have booked one vendor! Lol. I would say if you could, maybe push the wedding back a bit, but I understand if that is not an option. Don’t be afraid to receive help. If your cousin is offering I would maybe send her what your working on and see if she can maybe brainstorm some things for you, help move the process along a bit. That’s been one of the biggest thing for me, bringing in helpful family members, although they can’t relate to my feelings exactly, they lost a lived one too, and are more than glad to help. I honestly think the best motivation for me is knowing that my dad wouldn’t want me to get hung up on little things which could derail my wedding just because he isn’t here anymore, I think of him and he kinda gives me a kick in the butt to get after it, there’s only so much time left lol. I know this is a very hard time for you, I hope it all works out. If you ever need some onew to talk to just pm me.

Post # 4
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

First of all, your invites aren’t even late. You probably have another month or so to get them done. 

 

Second of all, I agree with Monster– if there is any way you can push back your wedding date, then it may not be a bad idea. I don’t know how recently you lost your father, but I lost mine last August, and we’ve only just this past week been able to get back into wedding planning. It takes time, and trying to “push through” or “balance” doesn’t work. 

 

If you can’t push the date back b/c of deposits, etc, then I would suggest devoting 20 minutes a day working on wedding stuff. Switch to frozen meals if you have to (we did– it saves me so much time from cooking dinner). 

 

Good luck and big hugs! 

 

Post # 5
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Honest? This is probably not the most emotionally healthy answer I could give, but I threw myself into wedding planning to escape everything else. I was working 12 hours a day on a high pressure project and buried 3 family members during wedding planning (both maternal grand parents and my uncle). Wedding planning was a way to focus on something happy. Grief would have to wait because, damnit, I was getting married and it was going to be a fan-freaking-tastic party. When the crazy work project wrapped up 2 weeks before my wedding and the last funeral ended 2 days before my wedding, it was like life finally came around to my way of thinking. Enough with the bed; it was time to celebrate the good.

I do understand walking on eggshells with a parent. My Mother was a wreck, and daily getting worse throughout the wedding planning process. That year was, unfortunately, only the beginning of dealing with her spiraling mental health issues. I’m very independent, so it really did not bother me in the least that she was so wrapped up in herself and her own issues that she didn’t care about my life. I learned quickly to avoid any topic that would set her off, and I’ve developed a new skill set specifically for dealing with her since then.

Post # 6
Member
3519 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I am so sorry for your loss.  My grandma passed away a few months before we sent out our invitations, but I kind of pretended she was with me in everything I did.  I know that’s a bit delusional, but it helped me get through things.  While she was on her decline, I’d show her pictures from bride magazines, dress ideas, etc. and she always had something nice to say.  As far as invitations or overwhelming admin stuff, I kept the guest list on a spreadsheet and did a little every day.

Post # 7
Member
560 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I don’t have any good advice but I wanted to lend my support. I’m so sorry for your loss. You are doing great even wedding planning at all right now and I think it’s incredibly insensitive to bug you about anything–especially where their invites are at. I think ” working on it ” is sufficient an answer. Maybe your cousin is just trying to communicate with you and asking about the wedding seemed like a safe subject? I can’t imagine anyone is actually upset at your invite timeline. 

Post # 9
Member
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

My dad died in 2011 of a sudden, unexpected heart attack. (He didn’t smoke, didn’t drink, wasn’t overweight, etc.) It ripped my world apart. My life is divided in two. There is the part before that morning when I found out, and after. Some people, usually people who have never really been through it, tell you that it gets easier. I don’t think it ever gets easier. You just get stronger. And you realize that you were lucky to have an awesome dad for the time that you did. And you realize that he wants more than anything for you to be happy. Some days you will feel like you are getting yourself together. Some days you will feel numb. Some days you will feel like it’s all so new someone just sucker punched you. I think that you can’t really know joy though until you know this kind of grief. It makes you appreciate the things that matter in life and cling to them in a way you never did before. There’s nothing better than a wedding for a new beginning! (In my case, I consider this part three. I am so ready for part three!)

Post # 11
Member
1237 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014 - Kentucky Center for the Performing Arts

First, I am sorry for your loss. I am sure its hard to plan this when your father isn’t able to be present. Second, I don’t think your invitations are late. You usually give out invitations 2-3 months in advance. 6months notice for save-the-dates. I hope you work through everything. Maybe your mom needs to help you, to get her mind off everything else you know. Don’t walk on eggshells around her, it doesn’t help. She and you need to be able to express your emotions when you need to. You can’t keep grief bottled up. Again, I am so sorry about your loss. You are in my thoughts/prayers (whichever one you believe in).

Post # 12
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

@Cynderbug:  I found a lot of comfort and reassurance in some of the entries on the blog A Practical Wedding. They have a section dedicated to “The Hard Stuff” and had numerous, really eloquent, really raw blog entries on dealing with grief during wedding planning. I know it’s “only a blog,” but it helped to read stories from other people in similar positions and see some of my own emotions being expressed by someone else. It can feel isolating when everyone expects that wedding planning just be so awesome but you really feel so not awesome for reasons that aren;t even about wedding planning, but affect it anyway. I’m probably not making any sense at all. But I encourage you to check it out when you have a moment.  

Hang in there. You will make it through this. And you will feel true, deep, raw joy on your wedding day. Pinky swear.

Post # 14
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I am so sorry for your loss. FI and I got engaged around 1 month after my mom passed away in August. Because we didn’t get engaged prior to her death, no plane had been made. So I have just not planned anything official. I look at stuff and get ideas of what I might want, FI and I kick around dates but never decide on anything because I’m just not ready to plan without my mom.  im hoping that one day it will just hit me that I’m ready but who knows. I may have to do what you are doing and push through. I hope that you find a way to balance everything you have going on and a way to enjoy the planning process. 

Post # 15
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Cynderbug:  My thoughts go out to you, I lost my mom about three weeks ago and had no clue what to do about wedding planning.  We didn’t have the best relationship, but still she was my mother and she was very involved in the planning process.  It was honestly my dad who brought it up when I went back to see him and get things sorted out.  He was very firm that we go forward with plans and felt sad that he hadn’t been more active in the process.  I’ve found that being able to talk to him has given us a deeper relationship, and he is very active in the planning because it gives him something to look forward to.

I’d say that every person is different.  First of all I’d say talk to your mother, I was afraid of bringing it up to my dad only to find out that he really wanted to talk about it. Look for ways to cut out the extra work, instead of doing a time consuming template look for ways to make things easier on you.  AND- find someone to talk to, find a way to relax and get some downtime to sort out your feelings.  Your exhaustion is feeding your exhaustion, and continuing that way can only end badly.  You need to take care of yourself, it sounds like you’re doing an amazing job of caring for everyone else’s feelings, it’s time you took some care of yourself.

I wish you the best.  Keep us posted.

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