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I'm not quite in your situation but close. I never dated in high school and before meeting my SO I had one boyfriend for a grand total of a month. With my ex, I just lost interest and realized that we were very different people with very different views. With my current SO, we've been together for 4 years and he is always surprising me, I trust him completely, he is my best friend and I tell him everything, we have had arguments and difficulties but we always get through them together and emerge better and stronger for it, and I am completely comfortable with him. I don't think you need to have had prior experiences to know when things feel good and right and perfect for you. If you are happy, be happy :)
You can't make decisions based on what ifs. I understand the feeling as my FI is only the second guy I have been with and the first guy was only a few months in highschool. Someones I wonder if maybe there is a better relationship for me out there, there probably is, but is it worth giving up the relationship I am in now? No not at all. I love him, he loves me, he makes me happy and I can see myself being with him forever. You have to live for today, because we have no idea what the future will bring us, worring about the what if's will make you miss out on what you have in front of you.
You need life experience more than a certain number of boyfriends to be sure. If you are sure enough of yourself and who you are, then you know when someone is right for you. I think a lot of people say it is so different from their last one, because their last relationship provided experience they used to see what was right for them.
I am in the same position. DH was my only boyfriend. We started dating when I was 17. I was VERY picky when it came to dating. I was asked out many times but I knew what I want! haha..You just have to do what feels right. We are just some of the lucky ones! As long as you two are in love, and treat each other right, that is all that matters
Because there is no such thing as "the one." In all likelihood, there probably is "someone else" out there--maybe even someone else you'd be better matched with. Who knows?
There are probably many, many people that I'd be compatible with in a relationship. There are probably a handful that I'd be able to make a marriage work with. But I'm marrying my SO because I choose to. I love him with all my heart. We are wonderful together, but we're not perfect and I doubt that any couple really is. We're kind to each other and we're interested in many of the same things, but neither one of us expects the other to be their whole world. Thats what makes friendships important, too!
I've been with him since 17 and though I've wondered in the past what being with others might be like, in the end, it doesn't really matter. I've made a commitment to him, to love him, to be his partner, for the rest of our lives and I couldn't be happier. We've been treating each other with kindness, with love, making each other laugh, making each other happy, dealing with shitty times, with stress, fighting and figuring it out, and becoming a "unit" for almost 9 years now. And I want us to keep doing that forever. So thats how I know.
SO, from someone who has been on the other side of things I will tell you how I knew my SO was "the one". I dated many, many guys beforehand. My SO was the first one I dated that I didn't get "sick of" for one reason or another and was the only one I could feel "relaxed" around at the same time. Of course there are many other attributes of his personality I love but I think that you generally break all prior relationships into 1 of 2 categories:
1. Those that break up with you.
2. Those that you break up with.
Okay so I understand not everybody works the same way, but don't question what you have. You are very lucky. This is not a fairytale world where "the one" is this prince charming, impeccible human being with no faults that just makes you feel on cloud 9 forever. (and I am not saying that you think that) BUT, I am sure many women portray their relationships to be that way which might lead you to second guess your relationship...DONT! It's NOT true! If you feel like your SO is your best friend and you enjoy his company *most* of the time (lets be honest we all have our moment's), IMO he is the one for you. :)
I'm in a similar situation, 22 and first boyfriend.
You just know. Of course there will be a tinsy bit of curiosity about what's out there, but you're living something wonderful, you've found a right person for you.
As KatyElle said, don't overanalyse it.
This may sound blase, but you know until the day you decide you were wrong. If that's never (hopefully!) then it was right. If one day, you decide that in fact you do not want to be together anymore? Well, such is life. You live and you learn.
We're in the same age bracket as you guys, and while we have some exes in our past, we didn't have anything more serious than 6 months-ish for either of us. We basically joke that we're still together because we haven't gotten sick of eachother yet. Four years later...here we are.
We wouldn't be marrying eachother if we didn't want to. I think sometimes you just have to make decisions based purely on thought, i.e. I want to marry him, I think we can make it work. So, we get married.
My fiance and I have been together for almost 8 years. We started dating when we were sixteen. We just got engaged a week after our 24th birthdays (we're 2 days apart).We've never dated anyone else really. I love the lack of drama that comes with being each others only ones.
Since then, we have gone to different colleges, not too far apart, he came up to visit every single weekend. During those years we had our ups and downs. I went through some of the hardest times in my life and he was right by me. We are stronger than ever together. And we've been living together for three years.
I've never doubted we would get married. I know that this man cares deeply about me. He can support me through absolutely everything, he would make an amazing father, he is compassionate and sensitive, intelligent and funny. He is my absolute best friend and we've always been able to talk about absolutely anything. Honesty is our policy 100%.
I truly believe you just know if it is right. That doesn't mean that we are living in la la land. It is hard work. And if you are willing to put in that work and you have faith in your relationship, there shouldn't be any worries for you.
Like someone else said, you never know what is going to happen. You have to live life to the fullest and just enjoy your time together.
I don't think it works like that. If if were, how many guys would you have to date before you "know"? Would 2 or 3 be enough? Or would you have to try 10 or so, just to be sure? No matter how many you date, you can never have a representative sample of the population anyhow. So you could never be sure.
I have only dated one man, the one I married. While it's true that I have never been in a relationship with other men, I haven't exactly been in an isolated compound either. I continue to interact with other people, learn about other people, form friendships with other people, and evaluate other people. I don't have a long list of partners, but I am not inexperienced about people, life, or relationships. Those are different things. It's not that I can't see other options. It's that I choose to be here.
I am in the camp that you don't marry somebody you can live with, you marry the only person you can't imagine living without. I can't imagine living without my husband. I obviously have been living without that 99% of the universe, and been fine with it. I wouldn't trade a single day with him for years of experimenting with the other 99%.
What helped me was to ask myself:
Am I happy?
If it's yes and the only significant thing bothering you is the question "is the grass greener on the other side" I'd say that you are lucky to have found someone that makes you happy without going through heartache of having learned the hard way!
I have often wondered this too! I'd dated before my SO but not had a relationship, I was also too picky and got bored after approx 2 weeks not matter how long I'd liked them for before we dated! I think I actually told my SO that this would only last a month. And it hasnt. SO I think he's The One because we have the same way of looking at things but completely opposite personalities and so we compliment each other I think.
I used to wonder why it has so far worked well for me and yet some of my friends long term relationships didn't work out, but now I just think nobody knows what will happen in the future so there's no point in worrying about it now!
I'm in pretty much the exact same situation. I got a lot of flack for staying with him my entire time in college from my mom and friends, but we went out for as long as we were happy together - we weren't going to break up just so we could date other people when we enjoyed being together.
Anyway, I hear about my other friends' experience with guys, and they seem like assholes a lot of times haha. So I don't need to date other guys in order to know that my FI is better than them.
I get what you're saying, but I guess the way I look at it, no matter how much you date or don't date, it's not like you get to line up all the people you've ever dated (or even thought about dating) and pick from that line-up, you just take the person you're with right then and say "yes" or "no". Maybe some people do define "the one"-ness in comparison to previous relationships, but to me, once you've broken up with someone, it's always easy to compare that relationship negatively to the current great relationship--even if that relationship was once great too! I just think that any time anyone says the person they're with is "the one", it's not that they're right or they're wrong about it, but it's just a decision you make, there's not any hard evidence that says whether it's true or not.
I was/am in the same situation. I met my FI when we were both 16 and neither one of us had ever dated before. Heck..I had never even kissed another guy before. There have definitely been times when both of asked ourselves, what if. At 22 when we had our daughter, we were very pressured to tie the knot, but although we knew we loved each other we didn't want to be so cliche. Finally, at 27yrs old, 3 degrees, 3 pets, a house, and a beautiful daughter later, we are getting married happily in May. If you know you know, regardless of how many people you have been with before or after.
My personal theory is that most women do the majority of their growth as people between the ages of twenty and twenty six. That is why young couples sometimes take a lot of pressure from family to "wait until they are older." Some couples can go through those transitions together, and sometimes the transition is too much and people break up. I personally outgrew my other serious relationship when I was around 22 years old. (My theory on guys is they get a sudden urge to marry between 28-30, if they haven't already)
If you are 24 years old, I wouldn't worry about it too much. You seem to have both pursued your graduate educations, and made the life choices that are good for you independent of it taking you apart geographically. I think that is really important because it says that while you are committed to each other as a couple, you are also committed to developing your potentials individually and doing what you need to do to accomplish that within the relationship.
As far as comparing it to other relationships, assuming that you are not waiting until marriage, I think sex is a good indicator. Often, couples stop having sex with each other long before they decide they need to break up. While it is not always the case, the lack of sex can be an indicator that things aren't working any more. Kinda like the frog in the pot doesn't realize the water is too hot until it's at a boil and it is too late. It can be hard to have perspective on something you are in, and that you can't compare to other situations. This was certainly the case for some of my friends who stayed with certain BFs for too long, so I'm just offering it for what it is.
If you are happy, feel like you have your best friend, and still "want" your SO, I wouldn't worry about it. My friend's husband does divorce law and he says the majority of divorces he sees were so predictable. When he asks his clients why they married their spouses, they routinely say something along the lines of "it seemed like the next step."
I always tell DH that I still "like him," in addition to saying I love him. We joke about liking each other a lot since it seems so many couples are just going through the motions and don't actually like each other. Would you date your spouse if you had to start over again today? I would! Which is part of why I married him. I just can't imagine going through life without my partner, who is so uniquely suited to understanding and sharing my wants, needs, and goals in life that I would feel like I lost part of myself without him.
My parents started "going steady" at 16. They broke up for one summer when my Dad was away working; tried to date other people, but as my Mom describes it, as soon as she saw my Dad walk in the room her whole insides flip-flopped.
They were married at 20, and are now coming up on 44 years together, and are still so much in love and best friends.
If you ask her, she just knew.
Thanks for leaving responses everyone- i love hearing other people's take on this. I especially liked hearing people talk about previous relationships as just one of many life experiences that help you decide that you're making the right choice. It's something I know in my mind, most of the time, but every once in a while I simply overthink, I guess? I imagine we all do in some way or another- after all, getting married is a very big decision, and one I'd really like to get right on the first try.
My So was my first and only So, I am his second. I know he is the one becuase of the tingles I get in my stomach everytime we kiss, the way he goes out of his way to help me, the way we connect through our shared sense of humour etc.
I don't think you need to have been in relationships before to know, I think you just know. I think all old relationships are really good for is letting you find out what relationships are like and how much work you have to put in to them.
There is no magical number of boyfriends to have before you take that leap. It will always be intimidating, and there will always be "what ifs," even if you date a hundred other people. You could play the odds game, but what's the point? If you're happy and confident that the two of you are compatible and can make a life together, then why stress over it?
I have not experienced this, however, my SO has only had me as a girlfriend. I may have him read this thread but also maybe respond because when we have talked about marriage there is a questioning there for him.
@KatyElle: <--- agree!!!!!
My personal preference is to NOT HAVE BAGGAGE! Unfortunately I had quite a bit.... DH on the other hand didn't have any b/c I was his first & only relationship & love.
Do all you can do to prepare for your marriage and don't worry so much about not having all the "experience" that others may have. Definitely look into some structured pre-marital counseling and just enjoy each other =)
@future mrs Q:
I know it's human nature for us to question things and second guess ourselves but decisions should never be made based on "what ifs."
What would having an ex actually prove in that long run? Sure you'd date then you'd break up because you aren't compatible enough to make it last. Maybe you'll learn a few things, maybe you won't. But you'll NEVER date every man. It's most certainly likely there is another person out there who is compatible with you but that shouldn't detract from what you have.
Life is about seizing the moment. You have a wonderful man who completes you in every way. He loves you. You love him. You'll fight, you'll struggle, you have wonderful experiences and you'll attempt to make a beautiful life together. THIS is what's important.
I had exactly one serious boyfriend before I met my FI. We started dating at 14 and things got WAY too serious way too fast. Before I knew it he was telling me things I could and couldn't wear. People I could and couldn't talk to. We became physically intimate and start talking about having sex. He even started talking about proposing to me at 18 on graduation day. I wasn't ready for any of these things and thankfully I made the decision to break the relationship off before I compromised my personal set of morals and ruined all the plans I had for myself.
All that relationship did was cause me to bring emotional baggage into my next relationship(the one with my FI) and it took us awhile to sort through it.
Basically my point is, previous relationships or not, making a lifelong commitment to someone is often scary enough. Use your brain(and heart) don't let it use you. If you let it use you, you'll always be plagued by doubts.
:D
This is tough, I was in a relationship, my first real relationship, and I thought he was the one, we were going to get married, and it took me two years to realize it was all wrong. Then I met a new guy who was wonderful and everything I never knew I could have in a relationship. We clicked instantly and never had to try hard or suffer or hide things to make it work. That said, I beleive there's no reason your first love can't be your one true love. Just ask yourself- Does he treat you right? Are you happy? Does this relationship make your life harder or make you stressed? Do you want the same future together?
My guy is my first in a lot of ways, and I'm his -- we both had other people but none that developed into a serious relationship. I think that is one reason he took longer to decide I was the one, because there was nothing to compare it too, but in the end we like that we are each other's only ones. We were much older when we met too -- I was 27 and he was 25, so we had life experiences but we were so career focused we didn't have much dating experience. But if he is the one he's the one.
When you know, you just know, regardless. I have been married before, and I knew I shouldn't have married him, I had doubts, etc. If you are 100% in love, have no doubts, etc. Then don't worry about it!
My fiance and I are best friends.
There is no one in the world that I would rather share my life with. We are relatively young, I'm 26 and he's 25, and we've been together since we were 17 and 16. I had a couple boyfriends in high school, nothing serious; he didn't. Nine years later, after going to college together and living together for 5 years, there has never been a doubt in my mind about our future together. Over that span of time, we've grown up a lot; but there's a difference between growing up and growing apart.
There is always the possibility that someone else could be even better for you... but for me, I am so happy in my life and in who I have become because of my fiance, it's hard to even imagine. I think that's how I know.
DH was my first as well. I was almost completely uninterested in guys for the first 25 years of my life. I seriously could not have cared less.
When I met him, it was strange, like---'ahh, okay, I could see this actually possibly happening....' After a few months it just seemed right. We were alike in many ways and just clicked. The better we knew each other the more I felt like he was my best friend and I could totally imagine spending my life with him. It was just comfortable and right.
We're coming up on our 1 year anniversary and I've never regreted it for a single moment.
My FI and I met way back in third grade (just like that george strait song) and he was my first EVERYTHING.. hand hold, kiss, etc. obviously we weren't dating in third grade but we were best friends we started "dating" in middle school. Over the years we had breakups and stuff(we were youngins) and dated other people & dating other people did nothing. it was just a waste of time. I consider FI to be the only guy I have truly dated and I look at him everyday and think how did i get so lucky? your lucky you haven't had to date tons of guys before finding the one. and I see a lot of my single friends wishing they had someone to spend the rest of their life with and i see there trails and tribulations finding a decent guy and its not pretty. Just be thankful your one of the lucky ones!
I dont believe there is a 'one' or a single 'soulmate'. Just think about the sheer number of people in the world, I am sure there is a vast number of people that would be very well matched to you and that you could live a very happy and long life with.
I dated before FI and I started dating. I was just shy of 18 when we did become a couple, but before him I had a 1 year relationship and before that a 8 month relationship (plus lots of one month things here and there). I know what I want and what I dont want and FI fits the bill... I will marry him fingers crossed we have a long and happy life. But I also know that there probably is someone out there just as good, if not better, but I am not willing to let go just for someone that I may or may not find. I love FI, we get along like a house on fire and I cant wait to be a cute old couple stealing bum pinches in the park lol
I'm in the same boat as you! I started dating my SO when I was 15, so he was my first bf. Also, I was his first gf. We were together for 2 years and broke up for about 3 months. During that time, he had a new gf and I went on a few dates with a few guys. For me, it just felt really weird. There was no sparks or no magic with those other guys. My SO told me that every time he was with his gf, all he could think of was me. Before we got back together, we talked to each other about what we wanted to fix in our relationship. Once we did that, our relationship has been perfect! You just KNOW. Most people don't understand, but if your SO is threre for your ups and down, your best friend, your everything, then you know he is the one!
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I put this in the 20's board simply b/c it probably applies to more people in this age range. Although my FI and I didn't meet till college, neither of us dated in high school, so we're both each other's first SO. Most of the time, I love this- never had to go through a messy breakup, no heartbreaks, no baggage clouding our relationship. And then I hear all these people say that they knew he was "the one" b/c it's so different then their last relationship and... I start to worry- what if I only think he's perfect b/c I've never been with anyone else? How do I know there isn't someone else out there? We're both 24, in grad school halfway across the country from where our families are, and have had our own places for over 2 years (recently moved in together as well), so I don't think this is a "we're too young" thing- in fact, haven't heard that from anyone and don't really expect to. Just wanted to hear from others in our situation and how they've dealt with it.