Hrmph! Vent about DH

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
968 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Sorry to hear about your situation. Do you think he’s just using work and networking as a cover to go out and drink? How often does he do this? It sounds like you’ve already expressed your concerns to him and he has ignored them. 

It is also concerning that you “got in trouble” for trying to contact him. Not cool. Have you considered counseling, with or without him? Let’s face it, he’s not going to change on his own. I personally would not have a child with someone so inconsiderate of my feelings. Good luck.

Post # 4
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@coffeegal85:  Well, men can be rather thoughtless. If he was this way prior to marriage, I am not sure that he wiill change. I think the two of you have to sit down and discuss these behaviors. He does sound selfish. I am sorry, if he can afford to spend a grand on car parts, he should be able to give you a pot for Christmas… The problem with selfishness and stubborness is that they are tough behaviors to break. I hope you guys can work it out. Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
9220 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@coffeegal85:  Giving him the silent treatment is passive-aggressive and only hurts you, it doesn’t help you.

It’s good and ok to vent here but you really need to communicate all of this to your husband.  He is treating you thoughtlessly and he’s being selfish.  That part is confirmed.  But he doesn’t realize he is because you’re not making it crystal clear to him that you feel this way.

It is not ok for him to repeatedly run late and not let you know that he’s running late, networking or not.  It’s not that difficult for him to give you a quick call or text to let you know.  Ask what he would want from you in the reverse situation. 

He’s being rude to you but he seemingly is used to treating you this way and you are allowing him to.  Time to grow a backbone and stand up to this man.  You teach people how to treat you.  And if you don’t talk to him calmly now and state your case, sooner or later you’re going to blow a fuse at him and that won’t be constructive for your marriage.

Put all your thoughts in writing and state your case in a logical way and give him the letter.  If you want an All-Clad pot and he won’t give it to you for Christmas then get it for yourself.  Stand firm, girl!  You deserve to be treated better by him.  You’re just as important in the equation of your marriage as he is, don’t forget that.

Post # 7
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Sunfire:  I understand your point about needing to communicate, but I don’t think not really talking to your SO is always “the silent treatment” or “passive aggressive”. I’m not trying to argue in any way, just saying when she says that she doesn’t have anything constructive to say, it just means she needs a bit of time.  

  I deal with exact same issues with my SO, I get upset and at that point I wouldn’t be communicating my points, I’ll be too emotional and would end up getting into huge fights. So sometimes just taking a little time and calming down on my own is the best thing, then when I am ready to talk, I’m in a better mindframe. 

Post # 9
Member
9220 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@LeBonbon:  That’s a good point.  As long as the silent treatment doesn’t go on for too long and eventually ends in a constructive conversation it can be a good cooling off tool.  But it is not constructive to just not talk about things out of fear of him possibly reacting badly.  I’m concerned that’s what may be going on here.

Post # 10
Member
9220 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@coffeegal85:   Why is he not speaking to you?  Sounds like he’s being a jerk, sorry.

Post # 11
Member
8425 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@coffeegal85:  *HUGS* Sorry your husband is being selfish, but maybe he doesn’t realize just how selfish he’s being.  I agree with other PPs and I think some couples counseling could really help you two communicate with each other.  Hopefully he’ll come to realize what he’s doing and will start being a little more considerate.  Best of luck.

Post # 13
Member
9220 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@coffeegal85:  Time to retrain this guy, lol.  😉

Post # 14
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I agree that he was thoughtless, but i also see his side. My husband works from home, and it gets really lonely. Add in that he had to deal with the sick dog until you got home, and i can see why he would be thrilled for a night out.

I think this is really more about setting firm boundaries “if you tell me to wait for dinner and then change your plans, then you owe me the courtesy of a phone call or a text informing me if that so i’m not waiting”

Post # 15
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Sunfire:  Agree %100. You have to be able to feel the freedom to say what’s on your mind and how you feel, I just know for myself I need to sometimes take a step back to get the results I want. Speaking up right when we’re in the middle of the situation can be too emotional and heated.

 

@Sunfire: Honestly, your man sounds a lot like mine. If he knows he’s upset me, he won’t start conversation because he doesn’t want to get shut down. Incredibly frustrating but he really tries to avoid fights so I can appreciate that. He also has “selfish” tendancies, they’ve been in him for forever. I’ve come to accept that, and while you can’t change it, you can curb it a little. Like, if you’re going to stay out longer than you said, let me know, a text or 1 minute conversation is not too much to ask. And understand that while he may “need” to have these nights for work, you also “need” time spent with you, especially since you want to have children together in the future.

Post # 16
Hostess
3787 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@coffeegal85:  Why did you marry him? I’m not being snarky I’m genuinely asking, because that’s something you should really be focusing on right now as you try to work on this with him. 

He is way out of line spending a lot of money without your input. It’s also insane for him to veto the pot. Girl, just go buy it. Seriously. No one needs to buy you the pot. If he can drop $80 at the range and $1000 on car parts, you can buy yourself a pot. 

But the whole thing does really sound a bit scary. As someone else who was working at home until recently, I totally get how hard it is to be at home all day. It’s the pitts. Can he look into an office share? I just signed up for one, and I can guarantee it is well worth the $100/month to get out, have a space, and interact with other adults about work. 

Anyway, back to the general selfishness. I’m concerned because it does really sound ingrained in him and like he might not be willing to change. Still, I think it’s worth a Come to Jesus moment a la “Babe, I married you because I love that you are X, Y, and Z. Together we are A, B, and C. But I feel really upset when you do L, M, and N. It makes me feel like you don’t care about my feelings or our family priorities as much as you care about your own interests. Can we work this out in counseling?” 

If he refuses to talk about it, gets defensive, or refuses counseling, please go alone. It will give you someone else to work out your next steps. And please, don’t trust that he’ll change when you have a baby. It’s just like getting married, no one turns into a different person over night. 

*hugs* My heart goes out to you.

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