Post # 1
So we were married in March and have our “big wedding” (as i call it cause not everyone is privy to the fact that we’re married already, its a long story) but anyway its planned for July. My parents are fotting the bill cause we’re basically broke. We’re young, I’m 23 he’s 25, I just graduated from college and am off to law school, he’s working on finishing an associates and is in the Navy. We have trouble making bills every month, money is TIGHTTTT.
Anyway so my parents are paying for everything except for the rehersal dinner. Hubby blows up at me last night saying that my parents paying for the wedding makes him feel like less of a man, he feels less than because he is not contributing, and lots of things along those lines were screamed at me last night.
I mean he agreed to this, I specifically asked him if he was ok having a wedding before he deployed and having my parents pay rather than after he came home and his chipping in (which my parents wouldnt have allowed anyway).
im not sure what to do. He claims to have not gone to a wedding so he didn’t realize everything that’s involved. Cancelling the wedding isn’t an option, my parents would lose so much money.
Post # 3
@shootznladrz89: Oh no sweetie! 🙁 Big hugs to you. If you haven’t already, it sounds like you two just need to take a breather from all of the pressures of wedding planning. He may just be overwhelmed. Money can be a touchy subject on all fronts, so hopefully taking a little bit of a breather to appreciate one another and remember that you love each other will help!
Post # 4
He should have a long talk with a mature man he trusts…
…who hopefully will inform him that feeling insecure and “blowing up” at your wife because her desire to help you (i.e. arrange to pick up his financial slack because he is literally unable to do so) is extremely unmanly. Now is as good a time as any for him to learn that his financial situation should not be so closely tied to his manhood that accepting a gift from relatives actually impacts his self esteem.
Post # 5
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
I would just try to explain to him how it’s tradition that the bride’s parents pay for the wedding. It should be that simple. Give him some time to calm down, and maybe find him someone to talk to who can tell him that they did the same thing.
I would think, as the PP said, that blowing up at your wife because you can’t afford to pay for something you’re not expected to pay for, is much more unmanly than graciously accepting a gift.
Post # 6
- Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI
Sounds like the stress of everything is just taking its toll. I would try and explain to him once you’re both calm that traditionally it is the bride’s family that pays for everything. I know that’s not always followed today but it is not like he’s failing to meet some traditional expectation that the man should pay for everything.
If all the details are overwhelming him see if you can take a step back and see if he is being involved in a lot of details or decisions where maybe you could just handle it yourself. My FI tends to get a little overwhelmed when I start talking about every little detail so I try not to pour all of that onto him. I know he honestly doesn’t care about some of the little details so I just do them myself and we make the larger decisions together. Like for example, purple is one of our colors…ok. But I don’t make him look at every single shade of it with me. That might be an extreme example but you get the idea.
I think this is more than just about the wedding. You both have additional major life changing events going on (law school, navy) as well as a wedding. It might be good for you two to just calm down and spend a night out together with no wedding talk.
Best of luck to you!
Post # 7
Just explain to him traditionally the brides family pays anyways and the rehearsal is what is the grooms and grooms family to take care of. It’s a tradition so I don’t see the issue.
If he still has a problem, tell him he can always pay back at some point when y’all are financially stable.
Post # 8
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@shootznladrz89: Wow, that’s WAY out of line. Wait until he calms down and explain the situation — does he know what your money situation is like — or do you handle the finances? If so, it’s time to clue him in that you guys paying for the wedding is not an option in the current state of things.
And also tell him that your parents cancelling will mean they lose a LOT of money when they’re just trying to do a nice thing for you — I don’t see the problem! All this “makes me feel like less of a man” is BULL SHIT!
Post # 9
He knows our finances, this was actually after a fight where I told him I needed to see our financial situation especially because he’s leaving on deployment soon and I will be a handling everything. he got all touchy and “don’t you trust me” and stuff like that. I was just like yes I trust you but I need to know what’s going on. We’re both under alot of stress which probably isn’t helping.
Post # 10
If he’s been ok with it up until this point, then he probably was having a groomzilla stress induced meltdown, which happens. Hubs and I had a HUGE fight about 1-2 months before our wedding. Like one of our worst ever, and for the life of me I can’t even remember what it was about now! The stess buildup before a wedding puts a lot of pressure on relationships…give it a few days and then try discussing the issue calmly. He had no reason to blow up at you like that, and he should apologize. He probably doesn’t realize that the bride’s family pays for most everything “traditionally”, so it’s not uncommon. Being a man is much more about supporting your wife/family emotionally than about $. Take a few days off wedding planning, I’m sure you’ll work it out. <3
Post # 11
If it threatens his masculinity to have your parents pay for the celebration, he has the option to save up and pay them back.