Post # 1
I think my dream/goal is to be a stay at home wife, maybe even without any kids! A great lifestyle would be to work on a blog, write, have little creative projects, cook great meals, travel, have a beautiful veggie garden, spend time with family, friends and my husband.
The problem? My husband is one of those men who insists that his wife work. I’m working full-time now, and together with both our incomes, we make more than 90% of folks in the U.S. We’re well on our way to saving for a comfortable retirement. We do live in a very expensive part of the country, so hubby feels that we still need to save and save for retirement.
I just really wish I could stop working full-time! The only way that would happen (where hubby is comfortable with it) is if a) I get pregnant and I stop working for a few years, and then go back to work part-time (would rather be a stay at home mom full-time) or b) we decide we don’t want kids and hubby’s side project takes off and he makes a lot more money.
Sigh. Sometimes, I wish my hubby were more like those men who maybe would prefer that their wife work, but not insist on it. He was always very clear about how he felt (esp. before we were married), but sometimes I really wish he was a more traditional kind of guy who felt it was his duty to be a provider. He’s definitely more of a “couples should be partners” type of guy, and believes in the woman pulling her own weight, not just sitting at home having fun while her man gets up super early to go to work.
Anyone else in my boat?
(I should add that there are several reasons that I would just like to stay home and work on my own creative projects — I’ve been working practically all my life, I have a chronic condition which makes full-time work exhausting, and I’m pretty burned out on the job I have now…just ready for a break!)
Post # 3
@bombaysapphire_13: …sorry, I don’t even know what that would be like. Even if we were independently wealthy, I would still have a job, one must be of some use in this life.
Post # 4
@bombaysapphire_13: No can’t say that I am in the same boat as you, at all. I happen to agree with your husband. “Couples should be partners” sounds like a pretty fair game-plan to me.
Did you guys discuss this before getting married? I would assume you agreed upon this, so that it wouldn’t be an issue later on. The other thing I don’t understand is you keep saying you want to stop working full time, but don’t consider part time work a good compromise. Is there anyway you could start out with PT work first and see how you feel?
Post # 5
@bombaysapphire_13: I personally believe that both partners should contribute financially (unless that isn’t physically possible). It is nice to have a buffer that 2 incomes provide. I would think this should have been discussed with your partner before you got married, especially if you are set on it happening and he is set on it not happening.
Post # 6
I wish I could, and have the same financial security as we do now but it’s not like my husband wants to wake up every morning and go to work either so it’d be pretty selffish of me to not work and put all the financial responsibilty and retirement savings on him. Unless he had a job that he LOVED that more than made up for my salary, I couldn’t do that to him. I got to admit though, I’d be one lazy ass stay at home wife. I’d probably wake up at like 10, cook some pretty awesome meals and keep cleaner house, but I’d probably find myself bored pretty quick.
Post # 7
@Nona99: I agree. I should have clarified that the creative projects would serve this purpose. I would love to write/share information that would help people lead better lives. Not opposed to making money off my writing, but wouldn’t want the pressure of bringing in money…
Post # 9
Who wouldn’t want to be a stay at home wife? What a priveleged lifestyle. Sounds a bit spoiled to me.
sidenote: does he insist you work full-time? If part time would be easier on your health?
Post # 10
I sort of empathize with your husband. My DH talks about being a stay at home dad and my response is typically, “uh no, if I have to work then so do you.”
Post # 11
@Mimoza: Oh yes, we definitely did. Let’s just say the thought of being without him made me more sad than having to work full-time. That was crystal clear. Doesn’t mean there are still days where I wish I could just stay home and write!
Post # 12
I enjoy working – it’s fulfilling and gives me an intellectual outlet that I wouldn’t get if I stayed at home all day. I work in a high-stress and demanding field, but I still love the work I do, even I complain about having to get up early or working long hours. Plus, I’d feel so guilty spending all the money DH made while I wasn’t working.
But, I get it. Sometimes people see things differently. Maybe you could work part-time and use your non-work time for a creative outlet. If this is a big sticking point, you need to sit down and discuss it with your husband to come to an amicable decision.
Post # 13
@bombaysapphire_13: I would love to stay at home for all the reasons you listed, but then again, so would my DH. In my opinion, it wouldn’t be fare to be all the financial responsibility on DH when I am perfectly capable of contributing. The best compromise for you that I can come up with is find a way to start your own business and work from home. You’re where you want to be, but your DH is happy b/c there are two incomes.
Post # 14
I’ve been unemployed and hanging around the house since May. It’s awful. I feel like such a burden and can’t wait to start working (part time, because I’m still working on my graduate degree) in late September. FI makes enough for me staying home indefinitely to be an option, but I can’t imagine not contributing financially. Especially since we don’t have kids/pets that need my attention.
Post # 15
@bombaysapphire_13: My DH is very traditional. He wanted to get married before kids whereas I was ready do never get married and still have a family.
He loves the idea of being able to give me the option BUT, only once we have kids. He’d like for me to be a stay at home mom, but not a stay at home wife (at least, I don’t think so).
You see, DH’s mom was a stay at home mom and still is to this day, 26-something-years later. He wants and likes the idea of being the provider (and not having to do chores and cook and clean, lol).
I can understand where you are coming from. I never even thought I would want the option, I have always thought I would be independant and provide for my own self, but I have to say that being at stay at home wife/mom is very appealing to me.
I don’t know whether or not I would go crazy and need to start working again, but I’d like to give it a try…!
You never know, his opinion might change, but I don’t see that happening unless there is a kid(s) in the picture…
Post # 16
FI expects me to work until we have kids, then stay home with them, and go back to work when the kids start school. I just want to be a stay at home wife/mother, too! Right now I don’t work and live at home to take care of my mom, who has cancer. He thinks I just laze around all day and play on the computer. So he’s telling me to “prove” that I won’t be this way when we get married and that staying at home will be worthwhile. I see home every other weekend (he’s still in school), so I strive to make the house spotless and show an interest in cooking when he’s around.
His main thing is he doesn’t want me to be a recluse — he wants me to get involved with something if I am not working or work on my masters degree. If I can prove that staying at home isn’t just an excuse to hide from the world, he’s on board. As long as I have purpose and drive, he will support me. (Obviously, if finances dictate that I have to work, that’s a different story.)
It’s totally a career on its own — cooking, cleaning, making sure all the bills are paid, making sure he has everything he needs, laundry, errands, shopping. I’ve watched my aunt be the perfect career stay at home wife/mother to her kids for 25 years, and now that her kids are all out of the house, her husband is insisting — no, demanding — that she get a job. I’m sorry, what is she supposed to do?!