- Miss Mochaccino
- 3 years ago
- Wedding: June 2012
My husband says he needs to “be at peace with the idea” of having kids before we start trying, and I’m really having a difficult time trying to understand him because he led me to believe that he was ready. Please help!
My husband has always told me he wants to have children. When we were dating, that was one of the things I made sure to ask him about early in our relationship, and he told me he definitely wanted 2 or 3 kids. During engagement and pre-marriage counseling, we talked about it more, and talked about deciding at what point in our marriage we would start trying to get pregnant. By the time of our wedding day, we had been a couple for 3.5 years, and although we had not lived together, I felt we had a fairly solid foundation. I said one year sounded good to me, since we were both in our early 30s (I was 31, my husband 30). My husband said he wanted to wait a number of years and just enjoy being a married couple for a while. He asked me how I felt about waiting 5 years or so, and I told him I really felt uncomfortable with that, given my age. His doctor also told him that given my age it wouldn’t be a good idea to delay things the way we might if we were in our early 20s and suggested he not put it off longer than a year or so. My husband (then fiancé) thought about it and told me he thought 2 years sounded like a good compromise, and I agreed to this.
Fast-forward to 1.5 years into marriage, and I started taking fertility vitamins and folic acid every morning at breakfast, and my husband regularly teased me about getting my baby-maker ready and (he) joked about how we were going to start trying on our second anniversary night. I thought all was well as he seemed really positive and happy about this. He started noticing babies and talking about how to prepare for kids and asking me questions about pregnancy. When we stored some things in our garage for friends who had a baby, they said they were going to take a stroller and car seat and some other items straight to the thrift store, and my husband suggested we could keep them for when we have kids. We continued to say we would take a baby-making vacation on our anniversary for months approaching our wedding anniversary, and I allowed myself to get excited about the prospect of trying. (Granted, that does not mean I’m assuming we will effortlessly get pregnant – I’ve been holding expectations somewhat in check in that regard – but just the idea of trying.)
This is the part I’m having trouble with ….
Fast-forward to the week before our anniversary, and my husband got cold feet and began to panic. That’s the only way I can describe it. He seems to think that we will definitely become pregnant the first time trying (even though he knows that, medically speaking, this is not guaranteed). He told me that he did not feel that we have unity about this issue, and that it seems like “I want something out of him” (i.e., a baby) instead of just enjoying and loving him. He says he is just not at peace with the idea. I told him that’s definitely not how I want it to be, and I that I thought he was actually happy about trying for a baby and hadn’t realized that he felt pressure. I asked him what he needs from me right now to feel supported and understood. He says he just doesn’t know, but that he feels like I don’t understand him and he can’t articulate what it is or begin to understand himself. All he knows is he feels unsettled. When I asked him if he’s having doubts about having kids, he gets upset and says he is not having doubts about whether he wants children, it’s more about feeling settled and at peace and he says we don’t have unity.
Because this is such an emotionally-charged issue for me, and since I’ve been getting my excitement up about “trying” for the past six months or so (while also trying to keep expectations about whether we will get pregnant in check), I’m not really in a good place to be his supporter right now, although I am trying to put my emotions to the side and empathise with him. The back and forth makes me feel like he’s messing me around (even though I know he doesn’t think this is what he’s doing).
Interestingly, *he* is the one who said, “let’s talk to some other couples about this and see how they got to the point where they were ready to have kids”, so I agreed. We’ve spoken to about 5 couples, some our age, some a bit younger/older. Most of them said it was the best thing ever, although of course they’ve had to give up some freedoms, they certainly are glad to have their children. Several said they wish they hadn’t waited as long as they had.
He seems to have gotten some reassurance from the guys, especially regarding the idea that life isn’t “over” when kids come and adventures are still possible.
Yet, at the same time, every time it looks like we’re about ready to start trying, he says no, that he needs more time to think. He set a date (his idea) a few weeks ago, but now that it’s approaching, he’s feeling nervous again. He says his job is just so busy (true fact) that he doesn’t have time to think and get used to the idea. But of course, I’m thinking, why didn’t this come up over the past few months, or even the past year?
Has anyone else gone through this with your guy? Do you have any suggestions that might help me understand *my* guy right now?