Hubby is driving me crazy by saying he\'s ready, then not ready, to start TCC!

posted 2 years ago in TTC
Post # 2
12870 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think some guys just fear the change and the responsiblity that comes with a child.  My husband was the same way, I was ready to try immediately after the I do’s (at that point we had been together 3 years and I was 31 and a half) and he wanted to wait.  Our compromise was to wait a year, though it ended up being 2 months longer due to vacation plans.  I don’t think he was completely ready, but he stopped fighting it due to my age (I was almost 33 when we started trying).  I made it very clear that if we were to have 2-3 kids, that it was not a good idea to  delay TTC anymore for biological reasons, and I think he finally understood the “ticking clock” though he still questioned if we were *really* ready.  I think some guys are just dont really become ready in their mind no matter how long.  So it’s been 2 years for us of TTC and we’re signing paperwork for IVF… and he still asks me, are we really ready for this.

Post # 4
6158 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013


Miss Mochaccino:  i wanted to start trying before our wedding.  DH didn’t want to.  We agreed to wait until the wedding.  Dh was on board because he knew how badly i wanted a baby.

about 6 months into trying, DH comes home and told me he had a revelation, he was finally ready to be a father. 

(BTW, we are still trying)

i don’t know if this story helps.  your H will still have 9 months to get himself physically ready for the baby.


Post # 5
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

The commitment to TTC, essentially signing yourself up for a lifetime responsibility that is expensive, often smelly, and typically full of attitude… it’s a big one. It sounds like he wants to be ready to make you happy. But when it comes down to it, he’s still got some bigtime coldfeet. I know that is a huge disappointment, and frustrating to boot, but its life. As hard as it is, just keep being patient and supportive. Keep trying to get him to talk about and sort through his own feelings and concerns in a completely supportive and gentle way. This is such a huge thing. He may need more time to work through it and get to a point of mental and emotional readiness.

Post # 6
12870 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Miss Mochaccino:  I didn’t want to force it at first either, which is why I agreed to wait 1 year.  He had 1 year to mentally prepare and “enjoy” life as it was.  I’d be flipping my shit if he went back on the agreement and wanted to wait longer and indefinitely after the agreed upon time had passed.  I know you don’t want to make him feel “trapped”, but what about what YOU wanted and he had agreed to.

Post # 7
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Miss Mochaccino:  It sounds like your husband is waiting for some “A-ha!” moment that is never going to come.  People don’t just wake up one morning and realize “I am now 100% ready to have a baby.”  You can never be 100% ready.  Maybe this is something you can get those couples you’ve talked the over with to explain to your husband.

I agree with pinkshoes, please don’t let him ignore the fact that he is letting you down and not fulfilling the compromise that you came up with.  Also it’d be one thing if he had let you know leading up to your agreed upon TTC date that he was having doubts, but it sounds like he did the exact opposite.

Regardless, you can’t force someone who doesn’t want to have a baby to have one.  I think you really need to get to the root of the issue as to why he’s stalling because his comments about “unity” and “peace” are just empty platitudes.  Perhaps some short term counseling would help?

Post # 8
2696 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

A lot of guys get freaked out by setting concrete dates to start TTC I know with our first, my hubby would NOT commit to trying. He wanted kids, but did not want to officially say we were TTC.

Now, I am highly suggesting you discuss this kind of idea with you DH, but have you two considered just going off birthcontrol and not specifically trying? Like, no charting  (or at least don’t tell him), no talking about TTC NOW, no mention of it before or after sex.. just going about your normal sex life and seeing where it takes you.

That’s what my DH and I did with our first and after a few months of approaching things that way, we got pregnant and were both ecstatic!

TTC is scary business, even when you want to do it. Guys especially seem to have a lot of reservations about failing at TTC, not being a good parent, not being ready, life “ending” etc. He may need a more laid back approach.

Post # 9
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

urchin:  +1

I know he made a promise to start after such and such time, and he really shouldn’t make promises he can’t keep, but its better he’s speaking up about how he feels. You don’t want to have kids with someone that isn’t full committed. I think that its just a case of cold feet and that if you guys were to start it would get easier.

I think setting a date or timeline is a tough thing for guys. Maybe don’t call it TTC or start pushing the issue of actively trying (you know, charting, no alcohol, boxers only kind of stuff. Not saying you would, but some women start that off the bat). What about not trying not preventing? Do you think he’d go for that if you were to just go off BC (if you’re on it) and go about your normal sex life like urchin suggested?

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